She blinked a couple of times, still staring at me.
"Fi, it's not that simple. I can only do that when you're dreaming."
"Then I'll stay asleep. I don't care, Janet. This is all too weird and crazy and I don't like this world. I just... I just want things to be simple."
"Nothing's every simple."
"Some things are."
"This isn't."
I sighed and looked at my hands; my fingers intertwined and twisted.
"Fi, I wish I could do this for you. I mean, I can, sort of, just not all the time. It's just not possible. It'd kill you."
"I don't care. I don't need to live. I need her, though."
"I need you to live, Fi. Don't you get it?"
"I... shit... yeah, I guess I kinda do."
"Come on, let's get out of here. We'll work something out, but we need to get away."
"Ok."
She started the engine and drove out of the car park.
***
I woke with a start.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, love. Go back to sleep."
"Christ, I don't remember falling asleep. How long have I been out?"
"Silly... no-one remembers falling asleep."
"I meant... I don't remember being tired. I just remember talking to you, then waking up."
"It's that place. I wouldn't worry about it, love."
"That place?"
"Yeah, just the dimensional shift probably made you pass out. It's fairly normal."
"Dimensional shift?"
"Yes."
"So I was... what? in a different dimension?"
"Yes."
"Shit!"
"Didn't you realise?"
"No. I thought I was in Blackpool or somewhere."
She laughed, "You're funny."
"Why's that funny?"
"Well, as if he'd ever go to Blackpool, or, well, earth."
"Why not?"
"Well, it's beneath him!"
"But not you?"
She sighed, "I used to think so, but, well, we screwed up, Elena and I, and now we have to pay."
"What happened?"
She shook her head, "We were stupid. We were always like sisters. We loved each other, but we hated each other. We spent all our time playing tricks on each other. We were just inseparable. Well, then one time, we went too far; I went too far. I took the pendant from him and put it on. I thought I'd just be invisible, so Elena wouldn't be able to see me and I could scare her, but I lost all sense of myself. I couldn't tell where I was, or what I was doing. It was like I was just a body-less soul. She found me and she brought me back. I don't know how she did it, but she took the pendant from me and freed me. Anyway, the pendant was lost and we were banished. That was the first time we've been allowed back since. We brought you to him. We brought the pendant to him. Elena was supposed to get it from you the same way she got it from me, only she couldn't. She didn't remember how."
"But he said that I could teach him how to see the pendant."
"Did he?" she smiled, almost laughing, "He's full of shit."
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Installment 28
I woke, feeling like I was underwater, but it wasn't scary. I wasn't drowning, I was just surrounded by calm water. I felt well rested, in a way that I hadn't in a long time. I looked around for the man, but couldn't see him. I couldn't see anything much. I didn't mind. I was content for the first time in a long time. The guilt over killing Kelly; the guilt over letting Leon get hurt; all dissipated.
I heard a voice, although I couldn't make out the words, then a strong hand clasped my own hand and I was pulled from the water.
"That's the way. How are you feeling?" the man asked me.
"Um... yeah, I feel really good. What happened?"
"Well, the human brain develops easily when you're a child, but it's harder to make those kinds of changes once you're an adult. You had to reconnect the part of your brain that let you know your friend was going to get hurt, and that's a big change. It will take some training to be able to fully control it, but once you can, you'll be able to teach me how to see the pendant."
"How?"
"It's difficult to explain until you experience it, but you'll change; the way your brain works will change and then you'll understand."
"Okay."
It was easy to trust him, the way I felt in that moment. So easy to believe that every word he said was true and that it was all for me; to improve my mind; to make me better. Pretty soon, I would be able to predict the future. I almost felt that I should laugh at the idea, but it felt so real; so right. This was my destiny. To see the future; to change the future; to make the world a better place.
He looked on, smiling, as I daydreamed. Eventually, I turned to him and he spoke softly, "Shall we begin?"
"Yes," I replied.
"When you had your experience, your premonition, that is, you were asleep?"
"No, I don't think so. Not quite awake, but not really asleep either; just kind of in between."
"Good, it's good that you can see that distinction. To use this power, you must be neither awake nor asleep. It's a different state of consciousness altogether."
"Is that what happened before I fell asleep?"
"You felt something?"
"Yes. You were shouting and I was upset, then suddenly I wasn't. I was happy, like I am now."
"Most likely it was an experience, of sorts. It's unusual to have such experiences over something so small as being happy, but perhaps your brain needed to try out the power in order to overcome the years of denial."
I smiled at him. He returned the smile, his face so soft now where hard lines of frustration and contempt had been just hours ago, "Different people have different ways of dealing with it."
"What about you?"
"Me? I don't have that power."
"What power do you have?"
"I can... I can do other things. It's not important."
"Okay."
"Anyway, you need to learn to put your mind in that state of consciousness between sleep and waking, and then you will be able to control the power."
"How do I do that?"
"It's mostly about learning to recognise the feeling, then recreating it."
"I don't really understand."
"Ok, I want you to lie down."
I lay down on my back, with my knees bent and my hands rested on my belly.
"Breath deeply and try to clear your mind."
My mind was still swimming with the new ideas and new possibilities. I tried to think of a blank screen at the cinema, before the film starts, but my mind ran off to the idea of sitting in the cinema and knowing what will happen next. I tried to think of a blue, cloudless sky, but my mind ran off to weather prediction.
"Just clear your mind, Fi. Nothing in this plane of existence matters."
I thought of a blank canvas, like the one that sat in our hallway for weeks before Kelly finally acknowledged that she was never going to touch the oil paints she'd gotten for her birthday and given it to a painter friend. I felt the grief of losing her fill me completely. I didn't feel any guilt anymore. I felt betrayed. She had left me and gone on somewhere new and I... I couldn't follow her. I felt angry. So, so angry. I opened my eyes, suddenly.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I think, maybe it's all a bit much for me. I'm really worn out. I am trying, but I don't think I can do it."
The man looked a little surprised. I thought he was going to shout again, but he smiled, "That's ok, Fiona. Why don't you go to sleep and we'll resume this later? Or are you hungry?"
I thought for a moment, "I'm a little hungry, but mostly just tired, I think."
"Okay. I'll leave you to sleep and someone will bring you some food when you wake up."
"Thanks."
I lay down on the bed and fell asleep immediately.
***
I woke with a start and blinked my eyes hard a few times to adjust to the dim light. Janet was shaking my shoulder.
"Oh, it's you."
"Yes," she whispered, "Come with me if you want to live."
I stared at her in disbelief, "What are you? Terminator?"
She shrugged, "I kinda liked the films; always wanted to say that, but seriously, your life is in danger and I can get you out of here."
"Why?"
"He wants to take your power. It'll kill you. You need to come with me."
"Why should I trust you? You deceived me. You made me think... You made me think you were her."
"I'm sorry."
I sighed. I felt like I should have more to say to her, but I just didn't. I didn't understand any of it anymore. I rolled off the bed onto my feet, still fully clothed and waved my hand at the door, waiting for her to lead the way.
"Put the pendant on and stay close to me."
I did as she said and followed her out of the room, down the corridor, and to her car in the street below. I didn't recognise where we were at all. The road markings looked odd and the sky seemed bluer than I had ever seen it before. There were small white clouds. The sun slid behind one, lighting it up in a golden glow. When the sun began to emerge from the other side, it looked almost like a dragon breathing fire.
"Fi?" Janet whispered.
"Yeah?"
"Fi, I can't see you. You need to take the pendant off and get in the car."
I did so, and she smiled at me, starting up the engine. I put my hand on her arm to stop her. She turned and looked at me, waiting.
"I want you to do something. I don't care if I live or die, or if I'm unconscious forever. I know you can do it. I want you to give me Kelly back."
I heard a voice, although I couldn't make out the words, then a strong hand clasped my own hand and I was pulled from the water.
"That's the way. How are you feeling?" the man asked me.
"Um... yeah, I feel really good. What happened?"
"Well, the human brain develops easily when you're a child, but it's harder to make those kinds of changes once you're an adult. You had to reconnect the part of your brain that let you know your friend was going to get hurt, and that's a big change. It will take some training to be able to fully control it, but once you can, you'll be able to teach me how to see the pendant."
"How?"
"It's difficult to explain until you experience it, but you'll change; the way your brain works will change and then you'll understand."
"Okay."
It was easy to trust him, the way I felt in that moment. So easy to believe that every word he said was true and that it was all for me; to improve my mind; to make me better. Pretty soon, I would be able to predict the future. I almost felt that I should laugh at the idea, but it felt so real; so right. This was my destiny. To see the future; to change the future; to make the world a better place.
He looked on, smiling, as I daydreamed. Eventually, I turned to him and he spoke softly, "Shall we begin?"
"Yes," I replied.
"When you had your experience, your premonition, that is, you were asleep?"
"No, I don't think so. Not quite awake, but not really asleep either; just kind of in between."
"Good, it's good that you can see that distinction. To use this power, you must be neither awake nor asleep. It's a different state of consciousness altogether."
"Is that what happened before I fell asleep?"
"You felt something?"
"Yes. You were shouting and I was upset, then suddenly I wasn't. I was happy, like I am now."
"Most likely it was an experience, of sorts. It's unusual to have such experiences over something so small as being happy, but perhaps your brain needed to try out the power in order to overcome the years of denial."
I smiled at him. He returned the smile, his face so soft now where hard lines of frustration and contempt had been just hours ago, "Different people have different ways of dealing with it."
"What about you?"
"Me? I don't have that power."
"What power do you have?"
"I can... I can do other things. It's not important."
"Okay."
"Anyway, you need to learn to put your mind in that state of consciousness between sleep and waking, and then you will be able to control the power."
"How do I do that?"
"It's mostly about learning to recognise the feeling, then recreating it."
"I don't really understand."
"Ok, I want you to lie down."
I lay down on my back, with my knees bent and my hands rested on my belly.
"Breath deeply and try to clear your mind."
My mind was still swimming with the new ideas and new possibilities. I tried to think of a blank screen at the cinema, before the film starts, but my mind ran off to the idea of sitting in the cinema and knowing what will happen next. I tried to think of a blue, cloudless sky, but my mind ran off to weather prediction.
"Just clear your mind, Fi. Nothing in this plane of existence matters."
I thought of a blank canvas, like the one that sat in our hallway for weeks before Kelly finally acknowledged that she was never going to touch the oil paints she'd gotten for her birthday and given it to a painter friend. I felt the grief of losing her fill me completely. I didn't feel any guilt anymore. I felt betrayed. She had left me and gone on somewhere new and I... I couldn't follow her. I felt angry. So, so angry. I opened my eyes, suddenly.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I think, maybe it's all a bit much for me. I'm really worn out. I am trying, but I don't think I can do it."
The man looked a little surprised. I thought he was going to shout again, but he smiled, "That's ok, Fiona. Why don't you go to sleep and we'll resume this later? Or are you hungry?"
I thought for a moment, "I'm a little hungry, but mostly just tired, I think."
"Okay. I'll leave you to sleep and someone will bring you some food when you wake up."
"Thanks."
I lay down on the bed and fell asleep immediately.
***
I woke with a start and blinked my eyes hard a few times to adjust to the dim light. Janet was shaking my shoulder.
"Oh, it's you."
"Yes," she whispered, "Come with me if you want to live."
I stared at her in disbelief, "What are you? Terminator?"
She shrugged, "I kinda liked the films; always wanted to say that, but seriously, your life is in danger and I can get you out of here."
"Why?"
"He wants to take your power. It'll kill you. You need to come with me."
"Why should I trust you? You deceived me. You made me think... You made me think you were her."
"I'm sorry."
I sighed. I felt like I should have more to say to her, but I just didn't. I didn't understand any of it anymore. I rolled off the bed onto my feet, still fully clothed and waved my hand at the door, waiting for her to lead the way.
"Put the pendant on and stay close to me."
I did as she said and followed her out of the room, down the corridor, and to her car in the street below. I didn't recognise where we were at all. The road markings looked odd and the sky seemed bluer than I had ever seen it before. There were small white clouds. The sun slid behind one, lighting it up in a golden glow. When the sun began to emerge from the other side, it looked almost like a dragon breathing fire.
"Fi?" Janet whispered.
"Yeah?"
"Fi, I can't see you. You need to take the pendant off and get in the car."
I did so, and she smiled at me, starting up the engine. I put my hand on her arm to stop her. She turned and looked at me, waiting.
"I want you to do something. I don't care if I live or die, or if I'm unconscious forever. I know you can do it. I want you to give me Kelly back."
Friday, 10 September 2010
Installment 27
"Ok... let's start with something simple. Ever seen a ghost?"
I shook my head and smirked a little.
"Ever... had a premonition."
I stared at him for a moment, still smirking, but slowly my face fell as a long forgotten memory returned to me.
"Yes, I have. I'd forgotten.
"I was only 13 or so. A group of us used to hang out in the woods. We'd built a rope swing over the river. It was so high; it kind of felt like you were flying. Leon was in the Sea Scouts and knew a lot about knots, so he climbed up and tied the rope. That first time, when he jumped out across the river, none of really, truly believed it was going to hold, but it did. We had a broom handle that someone had cut in half as a seat and we'd take it in turns to try to go higher and further. We spent hours pretty much every day that summer, just swinging across the river.
"Then one night, I had a nightmare... or... a kind of waking dream, I'm not sure. I felt like I was awake, but I suddenly had all these feelings. It wasn't so much a vision as hearing and feeling something. There were screams and just the most painful terror I have ever experienced. I knew that something bad was going to happen. So, the next day, we went off to the woods, and I really wanted to say something, I really did, but... well, I was afraid they'd laugh at me. It seemed stupid, so I didn't tell anyone.
"Someone had sawn into the branch. The found it later and it was smoothly cut halfway, then broken and splintered the other half. Someone did that.
"Leon was in a coma for 7 months. It was a miracle he survived. They say the chances of waking up after more than a few weeks are..." I waved my hand. I couldn't remember the statistic.
For the first time since I started speaking, I looked over at the man. He looked bored; like he didn't believe me, or like he was waiting for me to say something interesting.
I coughed quietly and continued, "He's ok now. I mean, he can't walk without sticks, but he's... well, he's ok. I told him once. I felt so guilty for having let him get on the swing when I knew something bad was going to happen. He didn't believe me. He said, 'Memory's a funny thing. It so often gets mixed up with hindsight'." I shrugged, "I know I didn't get it mixed up. I know what I felt. I remember the dread as we walked to the woods," I paused, waiting for him to say something. He didn't.
I took a deep breath and said, "I haven't spoken about that in, what, 15 years, maybe more."
"Ok, well how did you do that?"
I looked at him quizzically, "Do what?"
"Have the premonition. How did you do it?"
"I... I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"I didn't mean to do it. I'm not sure I did do it. It just kinda happened."
He stood up and picked up one of the empty beer bottles onto the bed, "Well, what use is a power if you can't control it? Or even re-create it? You're useless to me!"
"I... I don't know... it only happened that one time. I had forgotten all about it."
"Well, of course you had! Guilt like that? Either you're strong and you learn to control and use your power, or you're weak and you just repress the memory and any further premonitions, and you are weak," he almost spat out the words.
"I didn't mean to. I don't know why you're so angry with me. It's not my fault," I could tell as the words left my mouth that this would not placate him. My voice had become a high pitched whine and I was now even irritating myself.
"You don't know why I'm angry? I'm angry because you have what's mine and you have the power to help me take it back, but you're too weak to do it. They told me that you could do this and brought me here and you're nothing. Just a chancer. A fucking mortal chancer, with your sob-story about how you could have saved your friend but did nothing to learn to use that power. You just hid from it, feeling sorry for yourself, never thinking that you may be able to use it to do great things. You're a wasted opportunity. Nothing more."
I could feel tears streaming down my face as I stared at him, wide-eyed. I let them fall; made no attempt to hide them. What was there to hide? There was my whole life boiled down into two words. My gravestone could read "Fiona Barnes - 1981-whenever - Wasted Opportunity".
And then suddenly, I felt a rush of calm run through me. My muscles relaxed and I let out a sigh which seemed to rid my body of all the anxiety. I felt... loved. I think I smiled; I closed my eyes and fell back on the bed. I thought I heard him say something as I fell asleep. I thought I heard him say, "That's my girl."
I shook my head and smirked a little.
"Ever... had a premonition."
I stared at him for a moment, still smirking, but slowly my face fell as a long forgotten memory returned to me.
"Yes, I have. I'd forgotten.
"I was only 13 or so. A group of us used to hang out in the woods. We'd built a rope swing over the river. It was so high; it kind of felt like you were flying. Leon was in the Sea Scouts and knew a lot about knots, so he climbed up and tied the rope. That first time, when he jumped out across the river, none of really, truly believed it was going to hold, but it did. We had a broom handle that someone had cut in half as a seat and we'd take it in turns to try to go higher and further. We spent hours pretty much every day that summer, just swinging across the river.
"Then one night, I had a nightmare... or... a kind of waking dream, I'm not sure. I felt like I was awake, but I suddenly had all these feelings. It wasn't so much a vision as hearing and feeling something. There were screams and just the most painful terror I have ever experienced. I knew that something bad was going to happen. So, the next day, we went off to the woods, and I really wanted to say something, I really did, but... well, I was afraid they'd laugh at me. It seemed stupid, so I didn't tell anyone.
"Someone had sawn into the branch. The found it later and it was smoothly cut halfway, then broken and splintered the other half. Someone did that.
"Leon was in a coma for 7 months. It was a miracle he survived. They say the chances of waking up after more than a few weeks are..." I waved my hand. I couldn't remember the statistic.
For the first time since I started speaking, I looked over at the man. He looked bored; like he didn't believe me, or like he was waiting for me to say something interesting.
I coughed quietly and continued, "He's ok now. I mean, he can't walk without sticks, but he's... well, he's ok. I told him once. I felt so guilty for having let him get on the swing when I knew something bad was going to happen. He didn't believe me. He said, 'Memory's a funny thing. It so often gets mixed up with hindsight'." I shrugged, "I know I didn't get it mixed up. I know what I felt. I remember the dread as we walked to the woods," I paused, waiting for him to say something. He didn't.
I took a deep breath and said, "I haven't spoken about that in, what, 15 years, maybe more."
"Ok, well how did you do that?"
I looked at him quizzically, "Do what?"
"Have the premonition. How did you do it?"
"I... I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"I didn't mean to do it. I'm not sure I did do it. It just kinda happened."
He stood up and picked up one of the empty beer bottles onto the bed, "Well, what use is a power if you can't control it? Or even re-create it? You're useless to me!"
"I... I don't know... it only happened that one time. I had forgotten all about it."
"Well, of course you had! Guilt like that? Either you're strong and you learn to control and use your power, or you're weak and you just repress the memory and any further premonitions, and you are weak," he almost spat out the words.
"I didn't mean to. I don't know why you're so angry with me. It's not my fault," I could tell as the words left my mouth that this would not placate him. My voice had become a high pitched whine and I was now even irritating myself.
"You don't know why I'm angry? I'm angry because you have what's mine and you have the power to help me take it back, but you're too weak to do it. They told me that you could do this and brought me here and you're nothing. Just a chancer. A fucking mortal chancer, with your sob-story about how you could have saved your friend but did nothing to learn to use that power. You just hid from it, feeling sorry for yourself, never thinking that you may be able to use it to do great things. You're a wasted opportunity. Nothing more."
I could feel tears streaming down my face as I stared at him, wide-eyed. I let them fall; made no attempt to hide them. What was there to hide? There was my whole life boiled down into two words. My gravestone could read "Fiona Barnes - 1981-whenever - Wasted Opportunity".
And then suddenly, I felt a rush of calm run through me. My muscles relaxed and I let out a sigh which seemed to rid my body of all the anxiety. I felt... loved. I think I smiled; I closed my eyes and fell back on the bed. I thought I heard him say something as I fell asleep. I thought I heard him say, "That's my girl."
Saturday, 4 September 2010
Installment 26
About 20 minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I opened it and was handed pizza and a bag by someone I didn't know. He didn't seem to be from the pizza place and almost growled when I tried to step out of the door to take the food from him. I quickly grabbed the pizza and bag and went back inside. Sure enough the bag clinked in a satisfying way and I pulled out 4 bottles of corona and a lime. Good on Elena for thinking of everything. Well, almost everything. I still have to pull the lime apart with my fingernails, but the first swig of beer made it well worthwhile.
I opened the pizza box and scoffed down 3 or 4 slices really quickly, before slowing down and savouring the taste. I hadn't eaten since I left Janet and Elena at that pub in Scotland, and not for a day at least before that. I couldn't even tell how long ago that was. It was good pizza. Not too much cheese, and a decent selection of vegetables, rather than just the usual lazy peppers, sweetcorn and onions. Peppers and onions, I could go with, but sweetcorn on pizza never quite worked for me, mostly because it was almost always the kind that came from a tin and tasted more of sugar then of sweetcorn.
I polished off the first beer and opened another, ripping the lime apart get another slice and shoving it into the opening of the bottle, squeezing as much juice as possible into the beer. I decided to save the last couple of slices of pizza for later in case my captors forgot that I needed to eat more than once a week like Elena had before. I looked out the window and saw it was getting dark. With nothing else to do, and no desire to sleep, I drank my way through the other two beers, then sucked the juice out of the remainder of the lime, all the while, I imagined what lay in store for me. Who this strange man, or not man, but being was. What he wanted. What the pendant was. So many questions, but I didn't get the feeling I was going to be asking many of them. I had a horrible feeling I was going to be expected to answer questions, and I was fairly sure I didn't know the answers.
I wondered what he'd look like. Would he even look like a man? Janet and Elena were both pretty attractive, but in the kind of way that you wouldn't necessarily notice them immediately. I wondered if he'd be the same. I wondered if he'd be nice to me like Elena was when she wasn't losing her temper.
I had started to think 'like Janet was' but my brain still couldn't quite work its way round Janet. She was, what? In love with me? How does that make sense? I'd felt bad when I'd woken up and realised that she wasn't Kelly, but she'd orchestrated the whole thing. It was strange. I'd felt so safe with her until then... and I missed the dreams. If I was honest, I'd been disappointed that it was Elena walked through the door, because Janet would give me Kelly back, even if it was only an illusion, I wanted to feel her again.
I lay on the bed, pulled the covers around me and stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. I so wanted sleep. I wanted the comfort of sleep, even if I couldn't get the dreams.
It seemed like hours later. The sky outside had gone dark and the only light in the room came from the small table lamp by the bed. I heard the door handle turn slowly. I didn't move. I thought maybe if I pretended to be asleep, they'd leave me alone.
“Hello Fiona,” I vaguely recognised the voice, but I couldn't quite place it.
I didn't move.
“Fiona, I know you're awake, there's no point pretending.”
I didn't move.
“Seriously, I'm not just trying it on saying that I know you're awake on the off-chance you are. I can actually sense consciousness. Didn't they explain this to you?”
I turned over to look at him.
“That's better.”
“Who are you?”
“I'll ask the questions, thank you,” he paused, as if waiting for objections, but I didn't have the strength, “How are you, Fiona?”
I thought for a moment, trying to come up with something witty to say, but couldn't, “I'm reasonable, I guess.”
“Are you tired?”
“No,” I told him, “I wish I was. I wanted to sleep, but couldn't.”
He nodded. As I'd expected, he was attractive in a very ordinary way.
“I mean, I guess I'm kind of tired, but not sleepy, if that makes sense.”
He nodded again, still saying nothing. He reminded me of the Occupational Health guy I'd been sent to when I'd been off work for 3 weeks once. They just sit back and expect you to tell them everything. Even though I knew I'd been genuinely sick for that 3 weeks, the OH guy's silences made me feel guilty.
“Say something.”
“What would you like me to say?”
“I dunno. Hello?”
“Hello, Fiona.”
“Tell me your name.”
“I don't have a name. Not one you'd understand, anyway.”
“What does that mean?”
“Speech is a mortal thing. I never chose a mortal name because it didn't seem necessary. I so rarely speak to mortals.”
“Should I be honoured?”
“Honoured? Honoured is one way of thinking of it.”
“How would you describe it?”
“You should be... wary.”
“Whatever. I'm sick of being worried and scared and wary or whatever. I tried to turn myself in. They wouldn't take me. I need to get back to London. Maybe they just don't know what's going on in... wherever we are.”
“Where do you think you are?”
“Dunno, Lancashire, I guess.”
He nodded.
"Is that you confirming we're in Lancashire?"
"No."
"Are we in Lancashire?"
"Not exactly."
"What's that mean?"
He just shook his head.
I shrugged, deciding that I'd play his game too. We shared the silence for several long minutes.
Eventually, he cleared his throat and I looked up, expecting him to speak. He didn't; just stared at me.
"What?"
He blinked, but said nothing.
"Look, what do you want to know? Why am I here?"
"You know what I want to know."
"About the pendant?"
"Yes."
"But what about it?"
"You can see it."
"Yes."
"Most people can't."
It sounded strange when he said 'people'; as if he was spitting out the word.
"You mean you can't?"
"I mean most people can't."
"But mortals can?"
"No, Fiona. Most mortals can't see it. Most people can't."
"Right... but I can?"
"So it seems."
"So, what do you want to know?"
"We want to know how it is that you can see the pendant, and we want you to teach us."
"Elena said you could see it."
"She was wrong."
"But she said it's yours."
"It is... in a manner of speaking."
"Let me guess; it's complicated."
He half smiled in a patronising way, "The world is a rich and complicated place. Very little in it is simple."
I really wanted to say something clever in response, but I couldn't think of anything.
"I don't know why I can see the pendant. I just can."
"Not good enough."
I put my hand in my pocket and lightly ran my fingers over the smooth design of the pendant.
"You know that you can't get out of here even if I can't see you, don't you?"
"Why not?"
"The door's locked. The key is outside with Elena. She won't open the door unless I tell her to."
I frowned, thinking that there must be some way to trick him and escape, but unable to come up with a more detailed plan than that.
"So... shall we start?"
"Start what?"
"We need to discuss why you can see the pendant, so I can learn to see it too."
"Ok."
He smiled at me, expectantly. I watched him for a moment, then looked away, feeling awkward.
"So, tell me."
"It's just there, so I can see it."
"Right, but I can't."
"Jesus! I know that. I just don't know why."
"Well, can you see other things?"
I looked at him in disbelief, "Yes. I can see many things. Pretty much all visible things."
I opened the pizza box and scoffed down 3 or 4 slices really quickly, before slowing down and savouring the taste. I hadn't eaten since I left Janet and Elena at that pub in Scotland, and not for a day at least before that. I couldn't even tell how long ago that was. It was good pizza. Not too much cheese, and a decent selection of vegetables, rather than just the usual lazy peppers, sweetcorn and onions. Peppers and onions, I could go with, but sweetcorn on pizza never quite worked for me, mostly because it was almost always the kind that came from a tin and tasted more of sugar then of sweetcorn.
I polished off the first beer and opened another, ripping the lime apart get another slice and shoving it into the opening of the bottle, squeezing as much juice as possible into the beer. I decided to save the last couple of slices of pizza for later in case my captors forgot that I needed to eat more than once a week like Elena had before. I looked out the window and saw it was getting dark. With nothing else to do, and no desire to sleep, I drank my way through the other two beers, then sucked the juice out of the remainder of the lime, all the while, I imagined what lay in store for me. Who this strange man, or not man, but being was. What he wanted. What the pendant was. So many questions, but I didn't get the feeling I was going to be asking many of them. I had a horrible feeling I was going to be expected to answer questions, and I was fairly sure I didn't know the answers.
I wondered what he'd look like. Would he even look like a man? Janet and Elena were both pretty attractive, but in the kind of way that you wouldn't necessarily notice them immediately. I wondered if he'd be the same. I wondered if he'd be nice to me like Elena was when she wasn't losing her temper.
I had started to think 'like Janet was' but my brain still couldn't quite work its way round Janet. She was, what? In love with me? How does that make sense? I'd felt bad when I'd woken up and realised that she wasn't Kelly, but she'd orchestrated the whole thing. It was strange. I'd felt so safe with her until then... and I missed the dreams. If I was honest, I'd been disappointed that it was Elena walked through the door, because Janet would give me Kelly back, even if it was only an illusion, I wanted to feel her again.
I lay on the bed, pulled the covers around me and stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. I so wanted sleep. I wanted the comfort of sleep, even if I couldn't get the dreams.
It seemed like hours later. The sky outside had gone dark and the only light in the room came from the small table lamp by the bed. I heard the door handle turn slowly. I didn't move. I thought maybe if I pretended to be asleep, they'd leave me alone.
“Hello Fiona,” I vaguely recognised the voice, but I couldn't quite place it.
I didn't move.
“Fiona, I know you're awake, there's no point pretending.”
I didn't move.
“Seriously, I'm not just trying it on saying that I know you're awake on the off-chance you are. I can actually sense consciousness. Didn't they explain this to you?”
I turned over to look at him.
“That's better.”
“Who are you?”
“I'll ask the questions, thank you,” he paused, as if waiting for objections, but I didn't have the strength, “How are you, Fiona?”
I thought for a moment, trying to come up with something witty to say, but couldn't, “I'm reasonable, I guess.”
“Are you tired?”
“No,” I told him, “I wish I was. I wanted to sleep, but couldn't.”
He nodded. As I'd expected, he was attractive in a very ordinary way.
“I mean, I guess I'm kind of tired, but not sleepy, if that makes sense.”
He nodded again, still saying nothing. He reminded me of the Occupational Health guy I'd been sent to when I'd been off work for 3 weeks once. They just sit back and expect you to tell them everything. Even though I knew I'd been genuinely sick for that 3 weeks, the OH guy's silences made me feel guilty.
“Say something.”
“What would you like me to say?”
“I dunno. Hello?”
“Hello, Fiona.”
“Tell me your name.”
“I don't have a name. Not one you'd understand, anyway.”
“What does that mean?”
“Speech is a mortal thing. I never chose a mortal name because it didn't seem necessary. I so rarely speak to mortals.”
“Should I be honoured?”
“Honoured? Honoured is one way of thinking of it.”
“How would you describe it?”
“You should be... wary.”
“Whatever. I'm sick of being worried and scared and wary or whatever. I tried to turn myself in. They wouldn't take me. I need to get back to London. Maybe they just don't know what's going on in... wherever we are.”
“Where do you think you are?”
“Dunno, Lancashire, I guess.”
He nodded.
"Is that you confirming we're in Lancashire?"
"No."
"Are we in Lancashire?"
"Not exactly."
"What's that mean?"
He just shook his head.
I shrugged, deciding that I'd play his game too. We shared the silence for several long minutes.
Eventually, he cleared his throat and I looked up, expecting him to speak. He didn't; just stared at me.
"What?"
He blinked, but said nothing.
"Look, what do you want to know? Why am I here?"
"You know what I want to know."
"About the pendant?"
"Yes."
"But what about it?"
"You can see it."
"Yes."
"Most people can't."
It sounded strange when he said 'people'; as if he was spitting out the word.
"You mean you can't?"
"I mean most people can't."
"But mortals can?"
"No, Fiona. Most mortals can't see it. Most people can't."
"Right... but I can?"
"So it seems."
"So, what do you want to know?"
"We want to know how it is that you can see the pendant, and we want you to teach us."
"Elena said you could see it."
"She was wrong."
"But she said it's yours."
"It is... in a manner of speaking."
"Let me guess; it's complicated."
He half smiled in a patronising way, "The world is a rich and complicated place. Very little in it is simple."
I really wanted to say something clever in response, but I couldn't think of anything.
"I don't know why I can see the pendant. I just can."
"Not good enough."
I put my hand in my pocket and lightly ran my fingers over the smooth design of the pendant.
"You know that you can't get out of here even if I can't see you, don't you?"
"Why not?"
"The door's locked. The key is outside with Elena. She won't open the door unless I tell her to."
I frowned, thinking that there must be some way to trick him and escape, but unable to come up with a more detailed plan than that.
"So... shall we start?"
"Start what?"
"We need to discuss why you can see the pendant, so I can learn to see it too."
"Ok."
He smiled at me, expectantly. I watched him for a moment, then looked away, feeling awkward.
"So, tell me."
"It's just there, so I can see it."
"Right, but I can't."
"Jesus! I know that. I just don't know why."
"Well, can you see other things?"
I looked at him in disbelief, "Yes. I can see many things. Pretty much all visible things."
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Installment 25
I woke up in a room I didn't recognise. It was kind of dim, but not really dark. I always thought kipnap victims were kept in dark rooms, tied to chairs with blindfolds over their eyes. I was in a pretty comfortable room, probably a hotel room, in fact. I opened the curtain but the windows were frosted and didn't seem to open. I walked over to the door and put my ear against it, listening out for my kidnappers, or anyone else. I heard nothing, so I tried the door. Predictably, it was locked. I went round the room looking for other exits or windows. There were none.
I sat down on the bed, trying to think what my next move would be. Everything I'd done since leaving London had been on a whim and with no particular plans in mind. I needed a plan. I racked my brains trying to think of the best way to proceed. There must be some way of getting away from them. I assumed my captors were Janet and Elena, or the unknown being they were supposed to take me to. If I knew for sure who it was, then maybe I could think better. At least I knew Janet and Elena a little.
Ok, best thing would probably be to assume it was them to had me, and try to formulate a plan with that in mind. If it turned out to be someone else, I could rethink, but it seemed most likely it was them. I'd seen them near and I knew they were after me. The police, on the other hand, seemed not to be. Maybe I wasn't even a suspect in Kelly's murder case. Maybe they hadn't even realised she'd been poisoned.
I tried to get comfortable on the bed with little success. The pillows were lumpy and the thin duvet didn't hold off the cold air. There was nothing to read and nothing to do. My planning wasn't going well enough to keep me entertained and my mind kept wandering to imaginings of what was going to happen to me when that door opened. The idea that I would be able to overpower Elena was ridiculous. I figured the same was true of Janet or any other supernatural being who might be holding me hostage. I needed to know what they wanted. I needed more information. The only thing to do was to wait.
***
And so, I waited, for what seemed like hours. I began to feel thirsty, and eventually this feeling became overwhelming, so I drank directly from the tap in the bathroom. After a while longer, I began to feel hungry, so I drank some more, hoping this would satisfy that feeling too. I felt bloated, but my hunger was not satisfied. I curled up on the bed and tried to sleep, but sleep would not come. I was soon bored and frustrated. I knew I should be frightened, but I wasn't. I'd been so ready for it all to be over, and now it wasn't.
[Author's note: for continuity, for the next bit of the story, you need to think back to when they were leaving Ogmore and pretend that the conversation about the pendant went a little differently to how it did. Elena did not pick up the pendant and ask Fi about it; Fi asked Elena about it. This is what happens when you write a story without really thinking about what's going to happen next, but it will be fixed in the editing stage.]
The door opened and Elena walked in. I launched myself off the bed and towards her.
“What the fuck, Elena? You were supposed to be taking me to turn myself in, and now you won't even let me do that. I just want all this to be over. If that means years in prison, I'll deal with that, but I can't deal with all this shit anymore.”
“Fi, shut the fuck up. You're in a lot of danger.”
“Yeah, I worked that out, just turns out that you're the danger, not the protector. Yeah, you'll help me run from the nasty, evil Janet, then turns out you're both trying to do the same thing. So, who are you to deliver me to, Elena? Where is he? Fucking tell me!”
“He's on his way, and he's not happy, so you need to listen to me, and do what I say. There's no need for this to be a bad experience; but you need to co-operate.”
“Who is he and what does he want? Is he like you?”
“Yeah, he's kind of like me, but he's higher up. He's not nice and he won't take any shit from you.”
“Higher up? Like... God or something.”
“Or something.”
“What does he want?”
“He wants the pendant?”
I looked at her for a moment, confused, “The pendant? Is this what all this has been about?”
“Yes and no. Not entirely, but it's part of it. I didn't even know where the pendant was until you showed it to me. It had been lost to my people for many years.”
“But it was just on display in that shop.”
“Not to us.”
“The woman said it belonged to you.”
“That's not entirely true. We're its... keepers.”
“Keepers? But you lost it?”
“Yes. We lost it. Janet and I lost it and we've been left as mortals ever since being given menial tasks as punishment.”
“And that's what I am? A menial task?”
“That's what persuading you to go back to London was, yeah. Menial. Think about it, Fiona, we are the world's protectors. The guardian angels, is how you described us, I think. Do you really think that getting you to go back to London and face up to what you did is all that important in the grand scheme of things? Seriously?”
“Guess not.”
“The pendant, however, is very, very important.”
“Why?”
She looked down, “You wouldn't understand.”
“Wouldn't I? Is it because it gives me special powers? Is it because, when I'm wearing it, I become invisible?”
She looked at me in disbelief for a moment, “For god's sake, Fi, when will you understand, it's not about you?”
“I know... I just... I just meant that I know what it can do.”
“You don't know the half of it, Fi.”
“Look, I don't care about the sodding pendant, Elena. You want it, you can have it. Will you let me go if I give it to you?”
“It's not that simple.”
“Why not?”
“We need to know how it was that you could take it in the first place.”
“The woman in the shop gave it to me.”
“It wasn't hers to give,” she sounded angry.
“No, but you said it was ok.”
“What was I supposed to say? 'Hey look, you've got that thing that's going to turn my life from the shit I've been living in for centuries back to the bliss I used to live in, but I can't see it and I can't take it from you.' The only way to know where it was was to let you keep it and to keep you with me. I couldn't take you back to London and I couldn't let you out of my sight. I needed you to believe you were better off with me until I found a way to get the pendant from you. You don't understand, Fi. I've been living in hell for centuries and you can get me back. I need you.”
“Wait? You can't see it?”
“No.”
“Can other people?”
“Some.”
“And they can't see me when I put it on?”
“No.”
“Can you?”
“No, but I can sense you. Sight is such a minor thing to me. I have other senses. It's hard to explain. It's like trying to explain colours to someone who's been blind since birth.”
“But you can't sense the pendant?”
“No, unfortunately not.”
I reached in my pockets with each hand and pulled the pendant out, holding both hands up in front of me at the same height.
“Which hand?”
“I don't fucking know, Fi. Stop pissing about. He'll be here soon, and you need to answer all his questions honestly and completely, or he'll hurt you.”
“Let me go and I'll give you the pendant.”
“Don't you fucking get it?” she leaned close in to my face and whispered threateningly, “It's not yours to give.”
I stepped back warily and didn't speak for a while. Elena and I seemed to be having a staring match, neither of us moving, or even blinking for a moment, then I looked down and muttered, “Whose is it?”
“It's his,” she said, gesturing at the door.
“Who is he?”
“He's... my boss, I guess. It's complicated.”
“Everything's complicated!”
“Yes.”
“Yes? That's all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say, Fi? Everything is complicated.”
“I want you to say something that makes sense of all of this; something that makes it all seem ok. I want you to tell me something comforting.”
Elena looked down, “Comforting isn't really my style, hon.”
“Can I have some food?”
“Jesus Christ, Fi, is that all you think about?”
“No, it's a lot of what I think about when I'm stressed, though,” I said, and Elena half-smiled at me.
“I'll see what I can do. Pizza? A large vegetarian for a large vegetarian, right?”
I smiled, feeling the tension lift from the air, “You calling me fat?”
“Yep.”
“Bitch.”
“Yep,” she grinned, “But you already knew that, right?”
“Thanks, Elena.”
“No worries.”
“And maybe a beer or two?”
“I'll see what I can do. Loosen your tongue, maybe.”
“Maybe.”
She left the room and I lay back on the bed awaiting food.
I sat down on the bed, trying to think what my next move would be. Everything I'd done since leaving London had been on a whim and with no particular plans in mind. I needed a plan. I racked my brains trying to think of the best way to proceed. There must be some way of getting away from them. I assumed my captors were Janet and Elena, or the unknown being they were supposed to take me to. If I knew for sure who it was, then maybe I could think better. At least I knew Janet and Elena a little.
Ok, best thing would probably be to assume it was them to had me, and try to formulate a plan with that in mind. If it turned out to be someone else, I could rethink, but it seemed most likely it was them. I'd seen them near and I knew they were after me. The police, on the other hand, seemed not to be. Maybe I wasn't even a suspect in Kelly's murder case. Maybe they hadn't even realised she'd been poisoned.
I tried to get comfortable on the bed with little success. The pillows were lumpy and the thin duvet didn't hold off the cold air. There was nothing to read and nothing to do. My planning wasn't going well enough to keep me entertained and my mind kept wandering to imaginings of what was going to happen to me when that door opened. The idea that I would be able to overpower Elena was ridiculous. I figured the same was true of Janet or any other supernatural being who might be holding me hostage. I needed to know what they wanted. I needed more information. The only thing to do was to wait.
***
And so, I waited, for what seemed like hours. I began to feel thirsty, and eventually this feeling became overwhelming, so I drank directly from the tap in the bathroom. After a while longer, I began to feel hungry, so I drank some more, hoping this would satisfy that feeling too. I felt bloated, but my hunger was not satisfied. I curled up on the bed and tried to sleep, but sleep would not come. I was soon bored and frustrated. I knew I should be frightened, but I wasn't. I'd been so ready for it all to be over, and now it wasn't.
[Author's note: for continuity, for the next bit of the story, you need to think back to when they were leaving Ogmore and pretend that the conversation about the pendant went a little differently to how it did. Elena did not pick up the pendant and ask Fi about it; Fi asked Elena about it. This is what happens when you write a story without really thinking about what's going to happen next, but it will be fixed in the editing stage.]
The door opened and Elena walked in. I launched myself off the bed and towards her.
“What the fuck, Elena? You were supposed to be taking me to turn myself in, and now you won't even let me do that. I just want all this to be over. If that means years in prison, I'll deal with that, but I can't deal with all this shit anymore.”
“Fi, shut the fuck up. You're in a lot of danger.”
“Yeah, I worked that out, just turns out that you're the danger, not the protector. Yeah, you'll help me run from the nasty, evil Janet, then turns out you're both trying to do the same thing. So, who are you to deliver me to, Elena? Where is he? Fucking tell me!”
“He's on his way, and he's not happy, so you need to listen to me, and do what I say. There's no need for this to be a bad experience; but you need to co-operate.”
“Who is he and what does he want? Is he like you?”
“Yeah, he's kind of like me, but he's higher up. He's not nice and he won't take any shit from you.”
“Higher up? Like... God or something.”
“Or something.”
“What does he want?”
“He wants the pendant?”
I looked at her for a moment, confused, “The pendant? Is this what all this has been about?”
“Yes and no. Not entirely, but it's part of it. I didn't even know where the pendant was until you showed it to me. It had been lost to my people for many years.”
“But it was just on display in that shop.”
“Not to us.”
“The woman said it belonged to you.”
“That's not entirely true. We're its... keepers.”
“Keepers? But you lost it?”
“Yes. We lost it. Janet and I lost it and we've been left as mortals ever since being given menial tasks as punishment.”
“And that's what I am? A menial task?”
“That's what persuading you to go back to London was, yeah. Menial. Think about it, Fiona, we are the world's protectors. The guardian angels, is how you described us, I think. Do you really think that getting you to go back to London and face up to what you did is all that important in the grand scheme of things? Seriously?”
“Guess not.”
“The pendant, however, is very, very important.”
“Why?”
She looked down, “You wouldn't understand.”
“Wouldn't I? Is it because it gives me special powers? Is it because, when I'm wearing it, I become invisible?”
She looked at me in disbelief for a moment, “For god's sake, Fi, when will you understand, it's not about you?”
“I know... I just... I just meant that I know what it can do.”
“You don't know the half of it, Fi.”
“Look, I don't care about the sodding pendant, Elena. You want it, you can have it. Will you let me go if I give it to you?”
“It's not that simple.”
“Why not?”
“We need to know how it was that you could take it in the first place.”
“The woman in the shop gave it to me.”
“It wasn't hers to give,” she sounded angry.
“No, but you said it was ok.”
“What was I supposed to say? 'Hey look, you've got that thing that's going to turn my life from the shit I've been living in for centuries back to the bliss I used to live in, but I can't see it and I can't take it from you.' The only way to know where it was was to let you keep it and to keep you with me. I couldn't take you back to London and I couldn't let you out of my sight. I needed you to believe you were better off with me until I found a way to get the pendant from you. You don't understand, Fi. I've been living in hell for centuries and you can get me back. I need you.”
“Wait? You can't see it?”
“No.”
“Can other people?”
“Some.”
“And they can't see me when I put it on?”
“No.”
“Can you?”
“No, but I can sense you. Sight is such a minor thing to me. I have other senses. It's hard to explain. It's like trying to explain colours to someone who's been blind since birth.”
“But you can't sense the pendant?”
“No, unfortunately not.”
I reached in my pockets with each hand and pulled the pendant out, holding both hands up in front of me at the same height.
“Which hand?”
“I don't fucking know, Fi. Stop pissing about. He'll be here soon, and you need to answer all his questions honestly and completely, or he'll hurt you.”
“Let me go and I'll give you the pendant.”
“Don't you fucking get it?” she leaned close in to my face and whispered threateningly, “It's not yours to give.”
I stepped back warily and didn't speak for a while. Elena and I seemed to be having a staring match, neither of us moving, or even blinking for a moment, then I looked down and muttered, “Whose is it?”
“It's his,” she said, gesturing at the door.
“Who is he?”
“He's... my boss, I guess. It's complicated.”
“Everything's complicated!”
“Yes.”
“Yes? That's all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say, Fi? Everything is complicated.”
“I want you to say something that makes sense of all of this; something that makes it all seem ok. I want you to tell me something comforting.”
Elena looked down, “Comforting isn't really my style, hon.”
“Can I have some food?”
“Jesus Christ, Fi, is that all you think about?”
“No, it's a lot of what I think about when I'm stressed, though,” I said, and Elena half-smiled at me.
“I'll see what I can do. Pizza? A large vegetarian for a large vegetarian, right?”
I smiled, feeling the tension lift from the air, “You calling me fat?”
“Yep.”
“Bitch.”
“Yep,” she grinned, “But you already knew that, right?”
“Thanks, Elena.”
“No worries.”
“And maybe a beer or two?”
“I'll see what I can do. Loosen your tongue, maybe.”
“Maybe.”
She left the room and I lay back on the bed awaiting food.
Monday, 23 August 2010
Installment 24
I woke with a start. The car wasn't moving and the driver had gone. I sat up on the back seat, squinting and my eyes re-adjusted to the light. After a minute or so, I pushed the passenger seat forward and tried the door handle. The door was locked this time. I had a quick look around for the key, but didn't really expect to find anything; and, indeed, didn't find anything. Anyway, I didn't really want to steal the car. Murder, manslaugher, accidental killing, whatever – that's enough criminal/potentially criminal activity for now.
I pulled the door lock up, and the car alarm sounded. I quickly grabbed the handle and jumped out of the car. Someone was walking toward me fairly quickly. I thought about running, but she just carried on past me muttering something about “bloody car alarms” and how they go off for no reason. Dodgy technology working in my favour.
***
I walked down the street, unsure of where I was or where to go. I knew I needed a police station, but I didn't know what town I was in, let alone where the police station was. I wished I had my phone. I wished that I hadn't been so rash in destroying my sim card. I could pick up a new sim, I supposed, but I wasn't sure whether it had any power, and I didn't think I'd brought a charger. I also wasn't entirely sure how having a phone would help me know where to go.
I continued to walk down the street, feigning nonchalance, but, in reality, I was scared every time I saw anyone who was vaguely the same size or build as Janet or Elena. I knew it was damned near impossible that they were here, but something deep in my stomach told me that they knew where I was, even though I didn't.
I walked down what looked like the main shopping street. I glanced in the shop windows, pretending that this was the purpose of my being there. There was a shoe shop full of shoes that looked more like torture devices to me, with the high heels that would quickly lead to sore feet and sore back. Kelly used to love looking at those sorts of shoes. She thought that she liked wearing them, but I knew better. She seemed to forget immediately that she'd taken them off that she'd spent the whole evening complaining about the pain they caused her and leaning on me to take the weight off her feet a little. The number of times I'd tried to persuade her to wear less painful shoes. I wondered if anyone actually enjoyed wearing those shoes. People probably just forgot how much they hated them once they'd taken them off.
Next to that, there was a camping shop. I loved camping shops, with all the random gadgets. Something to solve every problem you never realised you had, and probably never would, but you just knew that if you didn't get that gadget, you almost certainly would. From when I was only about 8 years old, I wanted a pen knife. For my 12th birthday, I got one. It was black with a horse etched into the metal casing. I used to carry it with me everywhere, although it was so blunt it was next to useless. Later, I longed after the big swiss army knives, with their 20 different functions, or the Leathermans with all that and pliers too. I stared at the display now with the same longing I'd had when I was 15.
I was brought out of my daydream by a glimpse in my peripheral vision of my so-called guardians. I turned to check, and sure enough, they were walking slowly down the street. How the hell did they find me? Maybe the pendant did draw them to me, but, no, that felt wrong. I turned away from them and walked quickly back down the high street. The didn't call out or run after me; perhaps they hadn't seen me. Perhaps they didn't even know I was here. That seemed too much of a coincidence, though.
I needed to find the police station before they found me. I turned left onto a busy street and ducked into a newsagents. I picked up a chocolate bar and took it to the counter.
“50p please, love.”
I handed over the money, then said, “Could you tell me where the police station is, please?”
The woman behind the counter looked at me slightly suspiciously, but after a moment or two replied, “Turn left out of the shop, then up to the top of the road, right down Maple Street and it's on your left after about a hundred yards.”
She seemed to want to ask more, but I cut her off with a word of thanks, then walked swiftly out of the shop, following her directions to the police station. There was an almost empty pub on my right that caught my eye. Maybe one last drink before I go down. No cider in prison. I wandered in. There was hardly anyone in there. I went to the bar and ordered a bottle of nice cider. Normally I'd just drink whatever was on draught, but as it was my last, I thought I may as well have something nice.
The bottle was tall and thin and I declined the offer of a glass to go with it. I never understood why someone would take a glass with ice when you can drink it from a chilled bottle that will stay cold much longer than in a glass and doesn't mean you're drinking watered down cider.
I sat sipping the cider, breathing in the atmosphere. I loved empty pubs. I never understood why people chose to frequent busy pubs for the “atmosphere”. Nowhere to sit; can't hear your friends; no space to dance even. The idea of spending the evening stood nodding at your friends doesn't strike me as a sociable evening.
The cider went down surprisingly quickly. It tasted truly lovely compared to the mass-produced rubbish I was used to. I went to the bar and ordered another one. I decided to savour this one and not just knock it back, but it too went down all too quickly. I'd barely been in the pub 40 minutes and gotten through 2 bottles. The more I drank, of course, the more I wanted. Pretty soon, I'd gotten through 5 or 6 bottles and finally decided that I needed to leave. I thanked the barman and left.
The police station was not far from the pub. There seemed to be a lot of commotion inside. The receptionist was on the phone and waved his hand at a set of chairs. I sat down. Once he was finished on the phone, I stood up, as did 3 other people. I sat down again, realising I was quite far back. Before anyone could speak to the receptionist, the phone rang again and he waved his hand to dismiss them again.
When he came off the phone this time, he stood up and said loudly, “OK, people, there's been a huge incident that we're dealing with here, so if you're here for anything that can wait, you might be better coming back later, or phoning in to the station.”
Two people sat on the opposite side of the room from me conferred for a few seconds, then got up and walked out. Another person who had been sat next to me followed them after two or three more minutes. That left me and one other person.
After about 20 minutes, the phone stopped for long enough for the other person to try to report the theft of their camera. The receptionist seemed annoyed and gave him a phone number to call. I stood up, but the phone rang again, so I sat down once more. I felt my eyelids growing heavy from the cider. I kept pinching my arm to keep myself awake. After about another half hour, I was beckoned up.
“Hello, madam, how can I help you?” the receptionist asked wearily.
“My name is Fiona Barnes and I am wanted for the murder of Kelly Wheatley.”
He looked at me with disbelief bordering on contempt, “Madam, are you wasting my time?”
“No, I... I'm turning myself in. I... well, I guess it might not be murder. I mean, it was an accident if I'm honest, but I've not been about to explain, so I figured that they wouldn't realise...” my voice trailed off and I realised that I sounded like a child trying to justify eating sweets between meals.
He sighed, typed something into his computer, then looked back at me, “I have no record of either name. I do, however, have a station full of students who decided it was a good idea to attack the Dean of the Science Faculty in the hope that it would stop the university doing animal testing which, as far as I can tell, they don't. I also have a faceful of what smells like cider breath coming from your mouth. Can I suggest, therefore, that you go away, sober up and come back when you make more sense before I fine you for wasting police time?”
“I...”
The phone rang, he picked it up and gestured angrily at the door. I waited a minute or so, and he turned away, continuing his phone conversation.
After a little while, I walked out of the police station. I decided that it would probably be better to come back when there was someone else on reception. As I stepped out of the door, I felt a pull around my neck and a bag over my head. I struggled and tried to tug at the thing which was choking me, but before too long, I passed out.
I pulled the door lock up, and the car alarm sounded. I quickly grabbed the handle and jumped out of the car. Someone was walking toward me fairly quickly. I thought about running, but she just carried on past me muttering something about “bloody car alarms” and how they go off for no reason. Dodgy technology working in my favour.
***
I walked down the street, unsure of where I was or where to go. I knew I needed a police station, but I didn't know what town I was in, let alone where the police station was. I wished I had my phone. I wished that I hadn't been so rash in destroying my sim card. I could pick up a new sim, I supposed, but I wasn't sure whether it had any power, and I didn't think I'd brought a charger. I also wasn't entirely sure how having a phone would help me know where to go.
I continued to walk down the street, feigning nonchalance, but, in reality, I was scared every time I saw anyone who was vaguely the same size or build as Janet or Elena. I knew it was damned near impossible that they were here, but something deep in my stomach told me that they knew where I was, even though I didn't.
I walked down what looked like the main shopping street. I glanced in the shop windows, pretending that this was the purpose of my being there. There was a shoe shop full of shoes that looked more like torture devices to me, with the high heels that would quickly lead to sore feet and sore back. Kelly used to love looking at those sorts of shoes. She thought that she liked wearing them, but I knew better. She seemed to forget immediately that she'd taken them off that she'd spent the whole evening complaining about the pain they caused her and leaning on me to take the weight off her feet a little. The number of times I'd tried to persuade her to wear less painful shoes. I wondered if anyone actually enjoyed wearing those shoes. People probably just forgot how much they hated them once they'd taken them off.
Next to that, there was a camping shop. I loved camping shops, with all the random gadgets. Something to solve every problem you never realised you had, and probably never would, but you just knew that if you didn't get that gadget, you almost certainly would. From when I was only about 8 years old, I wanted a pen knife. For my 12th birthday, I got one. It was black with a horse etched into the metal casing. I used to carry it with me everywhere, although it was so blunt it was next to useless. Later, I longed after the big swiss army knives, with their 20 different functions, or the Leathermans with all that and pliers too. I stared at the display now with the same longing I'd had when I was 15.
I was brought out of my daydream by a glimpse in my peripheral vision of my so-called guardians. I turned to check, and sure enough, they were walking slowly down the street. How the hell did they find me? Maybe the pendant did draw them to me, but, no, that felt wrong. I turned away from them and walked quickly back down the high street. The didn't call out or run after me; perhaps they hadn't seen me. Perhaps they didn't even know I was here. That seemed too much of a coincidence, though.
I needed to find the police station before they found me. I turned left onto a busy street and ducked into a newsagents. I picked up a chocolate bar and took it to the counter.
“50p please, love.”
I handed over the money, then said, “Could you tell me where the police station is, please?”
The woman behind the counter looked at me slightly suspiciously, but after a moment or two replied, “Turn left out of the shop, then up to the top of the road, right down Maple Street and it's on your left after about a hundred yards.”
She seemed to want to ask more, but I cut her off with a word of thanks, then walked swiftly out of the shop, following her directions to the police station. There was an almost empty pub on my right that caught my eye. Maybe one last drink before I go down. No cider in prison. I wandered in. There was hardly anyone in there. I went to the bar and ordered a bottle of nice cider. Normally I'd just drink whatever was on draught, but as it was my last, I thought I may as well have something nice.
The bottle was tall and thin and I declined the offer of a glass to go with it. I never understood why someone would take a glass with ice when you can drink it from a chilled bottle that will stay cold much longer than in a glass and doesn't mean you're drinking watered down cider.
I sat sipping the cider, breathing in the atmosphere. I loved empty pubs. I never understood why people chose to frequent busy pubs for the “atmosphere”. Nowhere to sit; can't hear your friends; no space to dance even. The idea of spending the evening stood nodding at your friends doesn't strike me as a sociable evening.
The cider went down surprisingly quickly. It tasted truly lovely compared to the mass-produced rubbish I was used to. I went to the bar and ordered another one. I decided to savour this one and not just knock it back, but it too went down all too quickly. I'd barely been in the pub 40 minutes and gotten through 2 bottles. The more I drank, of course, the more I wanted. Pretty soon, I'd gotten through 5 or 6 bottles and finally decided that I needed to leave. I thanked the barman and left.
The police station was not far from the pub. There seemed to be a lot of commotion inside. The receptionist was on the phone and waved his hand at a set of chairs. I sat down. Once he was finished on the phone, I stood up, as did 3 other people. I sat down again, realising I was quite far back. Before anyone could speak to the receptionist, the phone rang again and he waved his hand to dismiss them again.
When he came off the phone this time, he stood up and said loudly, “OK, people, there's been a huge incident that we're dealing with here, so if you're here for anything that can wait, you might be better coming back later, or phoning in to the station.”
Two people sat on the opposite side of the room from me conferred for a few seconds, then got up and walked out. Another person who had been sat next to me followed them after two or three more minutes. That left me and one other person.
After about 20 minutes, the phone stopped for long enough for the other person to try to report the theft of their camera. The receptionist seemed annoyed and gave him a phone number to call. I stood up, but the phone rang again, so I sat down once more. I felt my eyelids growing heavy from the cider. I kept pinching my arm to keep myself awake. After about another half hour, I was beckoned up.
“Hello, madam, how can I help you?” the receptionist asked wearily.
“My name is Fiona Barnes and I am wanted for the murder of Kelly Wheatley.”
He looked at me with disbelief bordering on contempt, “Madam, are you wasting my time?”
“No, I... I'm turning myself in. I... well, I guess it might not be murder. I mean, it was an accident if I'm honest, but I've not been about to explain, so I figured that they wouldn't realise...” my voice trailed off and I realised that I sounded like a child trying to justify eating sweets between meals.
He sighed, typed something into his computer, then looked back at me, “I have no record of either name. I do, however, have a station full of students who decided it was a good idea to attack the Dean of the Science Faculty in the hope that it would stop the university doing animal testing which, as far as I can tell, they don't. I also have a faceful of what smells like cider breath coming from your mouth. Can I suggest, therefore, that you go away, sober up and come back when you make more sense before I fine you for wasting police time?”
“I...”
The phone rang, he picked it up and gestured angrily at the door. I waited a minute or so, and he turned away, continuing his phone conversation.
After a little while, I walked out of the police station. I decided that it would probably be better to come back when there was someone else on reception. As I stepped out of the door, I felt a pull around my neck and a bag over my head. I struggled and tried to tug at the thing which was choking me, but before too long, I passed out.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Installment 23
After what must have been an hour or so, the cramp in my lower back got the better of me and I had to sit up a little. I tried to stay in the footwell, but it was awkward and uncomfortable, so I sat on the back seat, and leant down in the hope that, even if the pendant wouldn't hide me from my accidental chauffeur, the headrest would. We were on the motorway, and I saw a sign that we were heading toward Manchester. Manchester would be a decent enough place to hide out. I knew a few people there. Maybe they'd put me up. Of course, they were Kelly's friends too, so maybe they'd be best avoided too. I decided I'd just wait and see where I ended up. Anywhere further from Janet and Elena was better.
The pendant felt heavy around my neck. I began to wonder how it was linked to Janet and Elena. It clearly was in some way. The woman in the shop wouldn't let me take it without their say so. Maybe it protected me from them. Maybe it would lead them to me. It was powerful, certainly, and I felt like I needed to know more about it. I just didn't know how I would go about finding that out.
The car shook a little as it drove over a bit of bumpy road. I shrunk lower into my seat. Logically, there was no reason why the driver was more likely to look behind him because of a bumpy road, but it just felt the right thing to do. I was still uncertain of the pendant's ability to hide me. I should test it, I thought, but I didn't really think that the motorway was the right place to do so. On the other hand, it's not as if I could be thrown out of the car. Perhaps, if he saw me, I could pretend that I was hijacking his car and make him drive me to... to where? Somewhere anyway.
Cautiously, I pulled the pendant over my head and put it back in my pocket. I remained low in my seat and hoped he wouldn't look round. When we stopped, I though, I'd put it back on, then get out of the car, and try talking to him to see if he could see me. And if he saw me before then, he'd have to stop the car before he could do anything about it, so I'd jump out and run away.
***
He left the motorway several junctions north of Manchester. I looked out of the window and saw signs for Blackpool and Preston. I was fairly sure I could get lost in Blackpool quite easily, but was that what I wanted? To get lost? Perhaps the better move would be to make my way to a police station and turn myself in. It would all be over soon if I did that. Prison would be tough, but at least there'd be an element of certainty about my future, which was greatly missing from my life at the moment.
I felt calmer, having decided what to do. Turn myself in. Plead insanity or that I was driven to it, or some such bullshit. Maybe even the truth, that it was an accident. I could skip over the part where the accident was who I poisoned, not that I poisoned. No, that's not true. I'd thought about killing her; I had decided not to. It's not the same as murder. Having a slightly sick mind and bad temper is not nice, but it's not illegal either. Running was a bad idea. I should have stayed. I should have seen it through properly.
***
And so, my future seemed more certain. Not perfect, but not running from two people who weren't even really people and had both lied to me about what was happening and were supposed to deliver me to god-knows-who for god-knows-what reason. Prison was preferable, and it was surely unlikely that I'd get a huge sentence anyway. I could cope with a couple of years, couldn't I? Maybe I'd join the prison gym and get really fit or study while I was inside and come out with a whole new set of opportunities. The more I thought about it, the more appealing it seemed. Hey diddly dee, it's prison life for me.
The journey stopped being along such straight roads and started twisting and turning more. Conscious that the driver would be looking in the mirrors more, I slid back down into the footwell, but did not cover myself over with the newspapers this time. Maybe he'd see me when he got out of the car; I didn't care anymore. My mind was clear and I felt strangely light and free.
My eyes grew heavy after a short while and I realised that I had barely slept in the last few days. I half-heartedly willed myself to stay awake, but knew that it wasn't what I really wanted. I let myself drift off, with the thought in my head that I would re-awaken before we stopped anywhere.
***
I was back in London, in our flat, watching Kelly sleeping. Her face looked so peaceful. I leant down and kissed her cheek, then crawled into the bed beside her, my arm around her, my hand resting lightly on her belly. I breathed in the scent of her hair and felt completely content.
I heard a noise and sat up to see that the side of our bedroom had been cut away and filled with theatre style seats. They were mostly empty, but about 10 people sat watching. Kelly sat up too, then took my hand, and guided me to stand in front of the bed. She took a bow, then Janet, Elena, Tim and Errol walked into the room from the sides of what was now a stage. Janet took hold of my other hand, with Elena taking Kelly's, and Tim and Errol standing on either end. Both my hands were pulled up above my head, then down again as we all took a bow for the steadily growing audience. By now, there were close to a hundred people watching and applauding.
The pendant felt heavy around my neck. I began to wonder how it was linked to Janet and Elena. It clearly was in some way. The woman in the shop wouldn't let me take it without their say so. Maybe it protected me from them. Maybe it would lead them to me. It was powerful, certainly, and I felt like I needed to know more about it. I just didn't know how I would go about finding that out.
The car shook a little as it drove over a bit of bumpy road. I shrunk lower into my seat. Logically, there was no reason why the driver was more likely to look behind him because of a bumpy road, but it just felt the right thing to do. I was still uncertain of the pendant's ability to hide me. I should test it, I thought, but I didn't really think that the motorway was the right place to do so. On the other hand, it's not as if I could be thrown out of the car. Perhaps, if he saw me, I could pretend that I was hijacking his car and make him drive me to... to where? Somewhere anyway.
Cautiously, I pulled the pendant over my head and put it back in my pocket. I remained low in my seat and hoped he wouldn't look round. When we stopped, I though, I'd put it back on, then get out of the car, and try talking to him to see if he could see me. And if he saw me before then, he'd have to stop the car before he could do anything about it, so I'd jump out and run away.
***
He left the motorway several junctions north of Manchester. I looked out of the window and saw signs for Blackpool and Preston. I was fairly sure I could get lost in Blackpool quite easily, but was that what I wanted? To get lost? Perhaps the better move would be to make my way to a police station and turn myself in. It would all be over soon if I did that. Prison would be tough, but at least there'd be an element of certainty about my future, which was greatly missing from my life at the moment.
I felt calmer, having decided what to do. Turn myself in. Plead insanity or that I was driven to it, or some such bullshit. Maybe even the truth, that it was an accident. I could skip over the part where the accident was who I poisoned, not that I poisoned. No, that's not true. I'd thought about killing her; I had decided not to. It's not the same as murder. Having a slightly sick mind and bad temper is not nice, but it's not illegal either. Running was a bad idea. I should have stayed. I should have seen it through properly.
***
And so, my future seemed more certain. Not perfect, but not running from two people who weren't even really people and had both lied to me about what was happening and were supposed to deliver me to god-knows-who for god-knows-what reason. Prison was preferable, and it was surely unlikely that I'd get a huge sentence anyway. I could cope with a couple of years, couldn't I? Maybe I'd join the prison gym and get really fit or study while I was inside and come out with a whole new set of opportunities. The more I thought about it, the more appealing it seemed. Hey diddly dee, it's prison life for me.
The journey stopped being along such straight roads and started twisting and turning more. Conscious that the driver would be looking in the mirrors more, I slid back down into the footwell, but did not cover myself over with the newspapers this time. Maybe he'd see me when he got out of the car; I didn't care anymore. My mind was clear and I felt strangely light and free.
My eyes grew heavy after a short while and I realised that I had barely slept in the last few days. I half-heartedly willed myself to stay awake, but knew that it wasn't what I really wanted. I let myself drift off, with the thought in my head that I would re-awaken before we stopped anywhere.
***
I was back in London, in our flat, watching Kelly sleeping. Her face looked so peaceful. I leant down and kissed her cheek, then crawled into the bed beside her, my arm around her, my hand resting lightly on her belly. I breathed in the scent of her hair and felt completely content.
I heard a noise and sat up to see that the side of our bedroom had been cut away and filled with theatre style seats. They were mostly empty, but about 10 people sat watching. Kelly sat up too, then took my hand, and guided me to stand in front of the bed. She took a bow, then Janet, Elena, Tim and Errol walked into the room from the sides of what was now a stage. Janet took hold of my other hand, with Elena taking Kelly's, and Tim and Errol standing on either end. Both my hands were pulled up above my head, then down again as we all took a bow for the steadily growing audience. By now, there were close to a hundred people watching and applauding.
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