Installment 38

The car was a large, silver people carrier with plenty of room for the five of us, as well as the family's luggage. I got in through the back door. Harry had climbed over into the very back seats and was curled up across two of them with her coat over her. I sat down in front of her, and Janet climbed in beside me. She squeezed my hand and smiled at me. I forced a smile in return.

Brin got into the front passenger seat and Gwendolyn, the driving seat. She started the car and sped out of the car park. She didn't seem to be paying that much attention to the small winding roads as she drove along singing some Welsh folk song at the top of her voice and swaying wildly from side to side, occasionally seeming to take the whole car with her.

The alarm must have shown on my face, because Janet put her hand on my leg and said, "It's ok. She knows what she's doing."
"I guess," I muttered, unconvinced.
"Trust me, babe. I'm not going to let you get hurt."
"But I'm the only one here who could, aren't I? A car full of immortals and me."
Janet leant forward between the two front seats, "Tame the driving a bit, will you? You're scaring her."
Gwendolyn turned round, nearly veering off the road, "What's that, love?"
"Watch the fucking road! If you crash this thing, if she gets hurt, I'll fucking... I'll..." her voice dropped so I could barely hear that she was making a sound at all.
"Ok, ok... I'll watch the road," she sighed and drove the car straight and stopped singing.
Janet put her arm around me and kissed me lightly.

“Sorry,” she said, as I flinched away.
“It's fine,” I replied, “Just unexpected, that's all.”
Kelly laughed, “Yeah, I don't normally make the first move, if I'm honest,” she rolled her eyes, “I guess there's a reason for that.”
She turned away from me.
“No,” I said, touching her shoulder, “I... I'm glad. I just... just didn't expect it.”
“But we've been talking all night, Fiona. Shit, I've barely said two words to my friends.”
“Yeah, I just didn't realise...”
“What?”
“I kinda thought you were straight, if I'm honest.”
She turned back, smiling, trying to hold in a laugh, “Seriously?!”
I could feel my face starting to grow red and I looked down, “They forgot to give me a gaydar.”
She laughed, “Clearly!”
I leant in and kissed her, as much to hide my embarrassment as anything else. She kissed me back, turning to face me, her hand on my waist. I felt her tongue lightly touch mine and a wave of electricity went through me. I put my hand round onto her back and pulled her closer. There was almost a desperation to it. I needed to be kissing her; I couldn't explain why, but I needed it.
“Christ, you two, get a room, will you?” some woman I didn't know told us. I didn't care if we were being rude to our friends. They didn't matter to me right at that moment.
Kelly smiled at the woman, “Ah, lovely Gem, there's no need to be jealous. There's plenty other ladies out there for you.
Gem rolled her eyes and wandered off into the next room. Kelly put her hand under my chin and turned my face back toward her. She was so beautiful, her eyes, her smile, everything about her just so lovely. She kissed me again, and the air seemed to all leave the room.

I pulled away suddenly, shook my head and was back in the car.
“What the fuck, Janet?”
She shrugged, “You were panicking. I thought a nice memory might help you relax.”
“But you knew it; every detail. How could you know that?”
“Calm down, Fi. I didn't know. I just instructed you to remember.”
“It's private,” I couldn't say why I was uncomfortable with Janet knowing a story I had told a million times over. The story had gotten embellished over the two years we'd been together to the 'How Fi's big mouth nearly fucked up everything' story. Looking back, I wasn't actually as much of a tosser as I'd thought.
“It's ok, love. There's no need to hide stuff from me.”
“I don't mean that. I just mean... you... you should have asked.”
“Asked?”
“Yeah. We should have some kind of rules about what you're allowed to make me think and stuff.”
“Alright then. Tell me.”
This kind of took me by surprise. I hadn't really thought about what she could and couldn't know. I'd wanted Kelly back. Janet was giving me that, right from the very start, but it felt wrong to let her have those real conversations and situations, rather than just, well, sex. It was like I was letting her be Kelly for real if I let her take all that stuff too, but that's what I'd asked of her – to give me Kelly back. How could I expect her to do that if I wasn't going to let her know who Kelly really was.
“I'm not sure. I need to think about it.”
“Ok.”
“I think I just want to sleep now, though.”
Janet smiled, “Sure.”
I rested my head on her shoulder, and let the swishing of the windscreen wipers send me off to sleep.