Installment 48

I know I probably dropped off at some point, but it felt like I just lay there for hours and hours thinking stuff over and over, and coming up with nothing but more frustration. Even if I could just walk out of the castle, where would I go? And what would Janet do? Would she come with me? Had anyone been telling me the truth through all of this?

I think I must have moved and she must have felt me move. I felt her move closer and put her arm around me. I tried desperately not to move. I wanted her to think I was asleep and to leave me alone. At the same time, I wanted her to know that I couldn't sleep and to comfort me. I wanted to be back in London in bed with Kelly. I wanted it to all be simple again. I wanted... what? We'd been fighting for months. It had been tiring, at best. I remembered what it felt like back then. Lying in her arms, pretending to be asleep, hoping she wouldn't try to wake me. Sometimes I'd feel her hand wandering and I'd continue to pretend to sleep. If she persisted, sometimes I'd have to turn, kiss her lightly and tell her I was too tired, or that I had a headache. Every so often, I would let her go further, usually only if I'd had a bottle of wine or so, though.

My body spasmed and I sat upright.
Janet leaned over and rubbed her hand down back, “What's wrong, Fi?”
I squeezed by eyes shut and then blinked a couple of times, “I... I dunno. Just memories, I guess.”
“What?” she sounded confused.
“I... I guess... I guess I realised I'd been thinking about things wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought... I mean, I remembered... I remembered being so happy, but I don't think I was. I think I was... I think it was me who... I mean, I think it was her who... I don't know.”
“What are you talking about, love? Who's she?”
I looked directly at her, “Kelly. Who else?”
She pursed her lips and looked down.
“What?” I asked her.
She shrugged, “I thought you'd forgotten about her.”
“How could I forget about her? Why would you think that?”
She shook her head, “It doesn't matter.”
“She was the whole reason I left London in the first place. I wouldn't even have met you if I hadn't... well, if I hadn't done that...”
She looked hurt, “And you're still in love with her.”
“That's kind of the thing. I'm not sure I was. I mean, I'm not sure what I felt, or what I feel. I just,” I collapsed back into the bed, “I just wish things were simple.”
I felt her hand lightly stroke my back. I reached round and pushed her away, “I'm tired.”

Installment 47

And that got me thinking. I only really had Janet's word for it that I couldn't leave. Even Brin didn't know about Arianwen holding me prisoner. Surely, she'd have told her brother, or whatever he was to her. I began to wonder how she actually felt about Gwendolyn. Did she think of her as her mother? And of Brin as her brother? Or was she just completely using them and trying to make them believe? And Harry? Harry was her daughter, but did that mean she cared about her? Loved her? Harry clearly adored her, but Harry was at least part-human, or mortal.

“Whatcha thinking?” Janet crept up on me.
I jumped, “Shit!”
“You ok?”
“You just scared me.”
“Sorry, love.”
I shook my head, “It doesn't matter. I was miles away.”
She smiled and gazed at me. It was slightly off-putting, but kind of sweet. My head was all over the place. I had no idea whether to believe what she'd told me and whether to trust she was on my side. I tried to smile back, but she could tell something was wrong. I could see her expression change to one of concern.
“I'm really hungry,” I told her before she had the chance to say anything.
She looked upset, “I know, love. I'm going to try to get you some more food. It's just difficult.”
I felt bad, “I know, love,” I leaned close and kissed her softly. It felt strange; not like the familiarity I'd felt before in the maze. I think I flinched. I think she felt it. I assumed she did. How could she not have?
I pretended it had all felt ok, and she pretended she believed that. We both pretended we didn't realise the other was pretending. It was fantastically awkward. I began to wish I hadn't spoke to Brin; hadn't thought of the idea that Janet may be lying to me, or mis-leading me. She hadn't actually told me a lie. Arianwen probably wouldn't let us leave; but there was a difference between not allowing us to leave and preventing us leaving. I wondered which it was. Surely a being that powerful would be able to stop a mere mortal leaving a castle. Easy – far too easy. Maybe not so easy when I had an immortal protector; and immortal lover. Whatever Janet was to me – and I really hadn't worked that out – she loved me; I believed that. I believed she would do what was best for me, but somehow, I didn't trust her. I didn't trust her judgement of what was best for me.
“Fi?” Janet paused, then tried my full name, “Fiona?”
I blinked a couple of times and realised she was talking, “Sorry, yeah. I mean, yeah? What's up?”
She smiled and put a hand on my shoulder, protectively, “You need to sleep.”
I looked up at her; I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of her, so I turned away, “Yeah, I think I do – and I need to eat. If she's going to keep us here, she needs to feed me, or she may as well kill me now,” then I stood and walked over to the bed, flopping onto it. I buried my head into the pillow and closed my eyes, pretending to fall straight asleep.
She knew I wasn't asleep, but tried to play along. She kissed my temple and whispered, “Sleep well, my love.”