Installment 48

I know I probably dropped off at some point, but it felt like I just lay there for hours and hours thinking stuff over and over, and coming up with nothing but more frustration. Even if I could just walk out of the castle, where would I go? And what would Janet do? Would she come with me? Had anyone been telling me the truth through all of this?

I think I must have moved and she must have felt me move. I felt her move closer and put her arm around me. I tried desperately not to move. I wanted her to think I was asleep and to leave me alone. At the same time, I wanted her to know that I couldn't sleep and to comfort me. I wanted to be back in London in bed with Kelly. I wanted it to all be simple again. I wanted... what? We'd been fighting for months. It had been tiring, at best. I remembered what it felt like back then. Lying in her arms, pretending to be asleep, hoping she wouldn't try to wake me. Sometimes I'd feel her hand wandering and I'd continue to pretend to sleep. If she persisted, sometimes I'd have to turn, kiss her lightly and tell her I was too tired, or that I had a headache. Every so often, I would let her go further, usually only if I'd had a bottle of wine or so, though.

My body spasmed and I sat upright.
Janet leaned over and rubbed her hand down back, “What's wrong, Fi?”
I squeezed by eyes shut and then blinked a couple of times, “I... I dunno. Just memories, I guess.”
“What?” she sounded confused.
“I... I guess... I guess I realised I'd been thinking about things wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought... I mean, I remembered... I remembered being so happy, but I don't think I was. I think I was... I think it was me who... I mean, I think it was her who... I don't know.”
“What are you talking about, love? Who's she?”
I looked directly at her, “Kelly. Who else?”
She pursed her lips and looked down.
“What?” I asked her.
She shrugged, “I thought you'd forgotten about her.”
“How could I forget about her? Why would you think that?”
She shook her head, “It doesn't matter.”
“She was the whole reason I left London in the first place. I wouldn't even have met you if I hadn't... well, if I hadn't done that...”
She looked hurt, “And you're still in love with her.”
“That's kind of the thing. I'm not sure I was. I mean, I'm not sure what I felt, or what I feel. I just,” I collapsed back into the bed, “I just wish things were simple.”
I felt her hand lightly stroke my back. I reached round and pushed her away, “I'm tired.”