I didn't sleep that night. I kept trying, but each time I glanced at the clock, no more than an hour had passed. Janet barely stirred when I got out of bed at 5:30. I dressed quietly and crept out of the room. The click of the door catch made me flinch, but Janet still didn't move.
I treaded lightly through the castle and reached the maze before Brin. I took a large gulp of the fresh, cool, morning air, hoping it would wake me a little. There was a small bench near the entrance to the maze, and I wiped the morning dew off part of it with my sleeve, then sat down, my arms wrapped around my body in an attempt to stay warm.
I didn't notice Brin approach, nor did I notice him arrive and sit down next to me, but there he was, looking much less tired and cold than I was.
“Mornin',” he said.
I started, “Oh god, you scared me. When did you get here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn't see you coming.”
He rolled his eyes, jabbing his thumb into his chest, “Faerie, remember?”
“I... I know, but...”
This wasn't exactly how I had anticipated things going, but I was sure I could turn it around.
“So, what's the plan?"
"I need money."
"I gave you money."
"I need more."
He shrugged, put his hand in his pocket and brought out a roll of banknotes. I took them and slowly flicked through, stalling for time while I worked out what to do next. I had been reliant on seeing him coming, preparing myself, convincing him I was upset. Now I had to play a slower game.
I sighed as a got to the last note and nodded, "That should be enough."
Friday, 14 October 2011
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Installment 52
Harry came running to me when I came down the stairs. She had a large brown paper bag and a big grin on her face. She handed the bag to me, looking rather satisfied with herself, and rightly so. I opened the bag and pulled out potatoes, mushrooms, peppers, onions and a whole load of other vegetables. She stood, as if to attention, awaiting my response.
I almost squealed, “Oh my god, this is brilliant. We have to cook this right away.”
“I don't know how to do that,” she said.
“That's fine,” I told her, “I can do it. Do you want me to show you?”
She grinned and nodded. We went down some stairs to what had once been a kitchen, but seemed to long since have been abandoned. I found a knife, a chopping board and a frying pan, all covered in dust. I threw them in the sink and put the water on. At first, it came out a reddy-brown colour, but within a couple of minutes, it was clear. In the absence of a cloth or sponge, I rubbed the pan with my fingers and then just rinsed the board and knife, hoping there was nothing too deadly in that dust, but figuring that the heat would kill anything too bad.
I turned on the hob and sighed with relief when the automatic spark lit the gas. Harry had been looking a little too closely at what I was doing and squealed when the flames blew up, nearly catching her face.
“Are you ok?” I asked.
She nodded and we both burst out giggling.
I quickly chopped the onions and mushroom and threw them in the pan, lowering the heat. I had a quick look around and couldn't find any oil, but decided that was ok. I peeled and de-seeded what needed it, and let Harry roughly chop the rest of the vegetables. Once the onions and mushrooms were fried to my satisfaction, I added the rest of the vegetables and some water. I searched round the kitchen looking for herbs and seasoning, but found nothing, then looking out the window, I saw a patch of small plants.
“Come with me,” I told Harry.
She followed me out to what must have been a herb garden at one time. The rosemary and basil had taken over and there were no other herbs still growing, but that was enough for me. I grabbed a leaf of basil and crushed it between my fingers.
“Smell this,” I told Harry. She did so and scrunched her nose up.
“It smells weird.”
“It makes stuff taste good, though,” I told her and grabbed a handful of each herb.
We went back to the kitchen and I rinsed the herbs and threw them in the pan. The food smelt amazing, and my mouth was already watering. I knew it wouldn't taste as good as it could if I had a full range of seasonings, but I was really looking forward to eating it anyway.
About 20 minutes later, Harry and I dished up the food and sat down to eat it. I wasn't sure whether Harry wanted to try the food she'd cooked or whether she was just humouring me, but I appreciated the company, so didn't ask.
“So this is all kind of exciting for you, isn't it? Having your mother home?”
She nodded, her mouth full of food.
“I was thinking that I might go home; back to London. I mean, your mother just needed the pendant, right? She doesn't need me here.”
Harry started to chew her food faster, clearly swallowing the mouthful before she was ready to, “I don't really know. I think it's you as well.”
“I don't understand.”
“Well, you're kind of special, I think.”
“How so?”
She looked thoughtful. I tried to gauge whether she was trying to work out what to tell me, or how to explain it, “You can control it. Most people can't.”
“Can you?”
She shrugged, “Too young, that's what gran says.”
“Too young to control it, or too young to try.”
She shrugged again, shovelling another spoonful of food into her mouth.
“But surely you'd have your mother's capabilities?”
She snorted and didn't bother to finish the mouthful of food this time, “Can you do everything your mum can?”
I nodded slowly, “I get your point... but you've not tried?”
“No. Mum'll tell me if she wants me to.”
“What about what you want?”
She looked at me incredulously, “I want what mum wants.”
“Right,” I said, “I get that,” and dismissed her from my plan.
I almost squealed, “Oh my god, this is brilliant. We have to cook this right away.”
“I don't know how to do that,” she said.
“That's fine,” I told her, “I can do it. Do you want me to show you?”
She grinned and nodded. We went down some stairs to what had once been a kitchen, but seemed to long since have been abandoned. I found a knife, a chopping board and a frying pan, all covered in dust. I threw them in the sink and put the water on. At first, it came out a reddy-brown colour, but within a couple of minutes, it was clear. In the absence of a cloth or sponge, I rubbed the pan with my fingers and then just rinsed the board and knife, hoping there was nothing too deadly in that dust, but figuring that the heat would kill anything too bad.
I turned on the hob and sighed with relief when the automatic spark lit the gas. Harry had been looking a little too closely at what I was doing and squealed when the flames blew up, nearly catching her face.
“Are you ok?” I asked.
She nodded and we both burst out giggling.
I quickly chopped the onions and mushroom and threw them in the pan, lowering the heat. I had a quick look around and couldn't find any oil, but decided that was ok. I peeled and de-seeded what needed it, and let Harry roughly chop the rest of the vegetables. Once the onions and mushrooms were fried to my satisfaction, I added the rest of the vegetables and some water. I searched round the kitchen looking for herbs and seasoning, but found nothing, then looking out the window, I saw a patch of small plants.
“Come with me,” I told Harry.
She followed me out to what must have been a herb garden at one time. The rosemary and basil had taken over and there were no other herbs still growing, but that was enough for me. I grabbed a leaf of basil and crushed it between my fingers.
“Smell this,” I told Harry. She did so and scrunched her nose up.
“It smells weird.”
“It makes stuff taste good, though,” I told her and grabbed a handful of each herb.
We went back to the kitchen and I rinsed the herbs and threw them in the pan. The food smelt amazing, and my mouth was already watering. I knew it wouldn't taste as good as it could if I had a full range of seasonings, but I was really looking forward to eating it anyway.
About 20 minutes later, Harry and I dished up the food and sat down to eat it. I wasn't sure whether Harry wanted to try the food she'd cooked or whether she was just humouring me, but I appreciated the company, so didn't ask.
“So this is all kind of exciting for you, isn't it? Having your mother home?”
She nodded, her mouth full of food.
“I was thinking that I might go home; back to London. I mean, your mother just needed the pendant, right? She doesn't need me here.”
Harry started to chew her food faster, clearly swallowing the mouthful before she was ready to, “I don't really know. I think it's you as well.”
“I don't understand.”
“Well, you're kind of special, I think.”
“How so?”
She looked thoughtful. I tried to gauge whether she was trying to work out what to tell me, or how to explain it, “You can control it. Most people can't.”
“Can you?”
She shrugged, “Too young, that's what gran says.”
“Too young to control it, or too young to try.”
She shrugged again, shovelling another spoonful of food into her mouth.
“But surely you'd have your mother's capabilities?”
She snorted and didn't bother to finish the mouthful of food this time, “Can you do everything your mum can?”
I nodded slowly, “I get your point... but you've not tried?”
“No. Mum'll tell me if she wants me to.”
“What about what you want?”
She looked at me incredulously, “I want what mum wants.”
“Right,” I said, “I get that,” and dismissed her from my plan.
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Installment 51
Author's note - this ends with the last 2 lines from the previous installment's paragraph. Sorry 'bout that. /AN
“So, money, right? What else? How are you planning to get out of Ogmore?”
I scowled for a couple of minutes, then ideas began to formulate in my head, “Meet me by the maze at 6 tomorrow morning.”
*
Janet was sitting on the bed when I went back to the bedroom.
“Whatcha doing?” I asked.
She started at the sound of my voice and stared at me for a moment looking confused before she answered, “I'm trying to find them. Elena and I have a link; a connection. We can kind of feel each other.”
“Like twins?”
“What?”
“Twins – they can tell when the other twin is in pain and stuff. It would kind of make sense. You both came to the world at the same time from the same place. You're kind of like twins; just you don't look alike, although I guess you can both look alike with your mind tricks and stuff – not that you're mind-tricking me anymore, just that you could if you wanted to. I mean, not that I want you to, but you still have the ability, right? I mean...” I trailed off. I didn't even make sense to myself at this stage.
“I guess,” she said, finally. I'm not sure what it is, but I can feel her moods sometimes. I guess she can feel mine too. If we both concentrate, we can always find each other, but I don't want to do that in case she leads him here.”
“Right, so what can you tell?”
“Well, I can tell she's a bit frustrated, which suggests that she doesn't know where we are.”
“Right.”
“But I can also tell she's not scared, which worries me a bit.”
“Why?”
“Because he should be angry with her for losing you, so she must have a plan. I don't know, Fi, it's like trying to make a picture from a jigsaw where half the pieces are missing.”
I sat next to her and put my arm around her shoulder, “I'm glad you're trying.”
She sighed and rested her head on my shoulder.
I took a deep breath and then blurted out, “I'm leaving.”
She sat bolt upright and looked at me, disbelievingly, “Leaving?”
“Escaping.”
“But... how?... why?”
“I don't want to be a prisoner. I'm going to go back to London. I'm going to face the music. Thirty years in Holloway is better than a lifetime at the hands of a gaolor who doesn't even realise she has to feed the prisoner.”
“But... what will you do?”
“Brin has promised to help me. He'll get me out of the castle grounds and give me money.”
“Brin?”
“Yeah.”
“But... what about me?”
“I... I'm not sure.”
“I could come with you?”
“You told me to stay. You told me I had to. Why do you think we can leave now?”
She shook her head, “I don't, but if you're going, I want to come too. I've given up everything for you. If you go, I go.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat, “I'm going to prison.”
She smiled slightly and shrugged, “This world has no walls that can keep me out. Think about it. You told me for a reason. You want me there. You... I thought you'd want me there. To... to protect you.”
I sighed and dropped my head into her lap and let the tears come, “I don't know. I just don't know what to do.”
She ran her fingers gently through my hair, “Let me help you.”
I smiled, and started thinking how to set the rest of my plan in motion.
“So, money, right? What else? How are you planning to get out of Ogmore?”
I scowled for a couple of minutes, then ideas began to formulate in my head, “Meet me by the maze at 6 tomorrow morning.”
*
Janet was sitting on the bed when I went back to the bedroom.
“Whatcha doing?” I asked.
She started at the sound of my voice and stared at me for a moment looking confused before she answered, “I'm trying to find them. Elena and I have a link; a connection. We can kind of feel each other.”
“Like twins?”
“What?”
“Twins – they can tell when the other twin is in pain and stuff. It would kind of make sense. You both came to the world at the same time from the same place. You're kind of like twins; just you don't look alike, although I guess you can both look alike with your mind tricks and stuff – not that you're mind-tricking me anymore, just that you could if you wanted to. I mean, not that I want you to, but you still have the ability, right? I mean...” I trailed off. I didn't even make sense to myself at this stage.
“I guess,” she said, finally. I'm not sure what it is, but I can feel her moods sometimes. I guess she can feel mine too. If we both concentrate, we can always find each other, but I don't want to do that in case she leads him here.”
“Right, so what can you tell?”
“Well, I can tell she's a bit frustrated, which suggests that she doesn't know where we are.”
“Right.”
“But I can also tell she's not scared, which worries me a bit.”
“Why?”
“Because he should be angry with her for losing you, so she must have a plan. I don't know, Fi, it's like trying to make a picture from a jigsaw where half the pieces are missing.”
I sat next to her and put my arm around her shoulder, “I'm glad you're trying.”
She sighed and rested her head on my shoulder.
I took a deep breath and then blurted out, “I'm leaving.”
She sat bolt upright and looked at me, disbelievingly, “Leaving?”
“Escaping.”
“But... how?... why?”
“I don't want to be a prisoner. I'm going to go back to London. I'm going to face the music. Thirty years in Holloway is better than a lifetime at the hands of a gaolor who doesn't even realise she has to feed the prisoner.”
“But... what will you do?”
“Brin has promised to help me. He'll get me out of the castle grounds and give me money.”
“Brin?”
“Yeah.”
“But... what about me?”
“I... I'm not sure.”
“I could come with you?”
“You told me to stay. You told me I had to. Why do you think we can leave now?”
She shook her head, “I don't, but if you're going, I want to come too. I've given up everything for you. If you go, I go.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat, “I'm going to prison.”
She smiled slightly and shrugged, “This world has no walls that can keep me out. Think about it. You told me for a reason. You want me there. You... I thought you'd want me there. To... to protect you.”
I sighed and dropped my head into her lap and let the tears come, “I don't know. I just don't know what to do.”
She ran her fingers gently through my hair, “Let me help you.”
I smiled, and started thinking how to set the rest of my plan in motion.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Installment 50
I found Harry playing with a pack of cards; her dextrous hands shuffling and flicking the cards quickly. I had once tried to learn to do similar tricks, but given up after the tenth time of having to pick an entire deck of cards off the floor.
“Hey,” I said.
She turned her head and smiled, still playing with the cards, “Hi, Fi. How are you?”
“I'm ok... Hungry.”
“Oh!” she exclaimed, putting the cards down. She rifled through her bag and presented me with a handful of cherries.
I smiled, “Thanks,” I wolfed them down, then sighed.
“What's wrong, Fi?”
“This is lovely. You're lovely for getting them for me, but it's not enough. It's not a meal. You don't eat at all?”
She shrugged, “Sometimes.”
“But you don't need to.”
She shook her head, “Only so we don't stand out; y'know, look odd to the mortals.”
“You know when you do? You know how there's all different kinds of food?”
“Yeah. I like the last bit best.”
“The last bit?”
“Yeah, the one made of chocolate or fruit or something.”
“Dessert, yeah, right. Me too, actually. I'm a big fan of ice-cream, but you can't just eat dessert.”
“I know. Nan says it looks odd if I do.”
“I mean, I can't just eat dessert. I need different foods, like bread, cheese, eggs, vegetables.”
“Rabbits?”
“No, I don't eat meat.”
She looked confused.
“No animals. Nothing with blood.”
She nodded, though her face was twisted into a confused grimmace, “I'll see what I can do.”
*
I left her with her cards and wandered out into the gardens. I walked along the path leading to the big front gate, sauntering slowly in an effort to hide any desire I had to just walk through them. If I could walk right up to them without anyone stopping me, then perhaps tomorrow I would try to walk through them. Apart from everything else, I was rather bored of the castle now. It seemed time for a change of scenery.
I sighed, “I just want to go home,” I muttered under my breath.
“Go on then.”
I started and turned to see Bryn standing beside me.
“Are you following me?”
“Yep,” he said without so much as a vague look of embarrassment.
“Why?”
He shrugged, “Figure if something's going to happen, it's going to happen around you.”
It made sense in a strange way, but did nothing to comfort me.
“So, you think I could just walk through these doors and hop on a bus back to London?”
He put his hand to his face and rubbed his chin, considering what I had asked, “Doubt it. No buses in Ogmore that I'm aware of.”
My head dropped into my hand and I rubbed my eyes, “Will you help me?”
“Help you? Why would I do that?”
“Well... to piss off Arianwen, apart from anything else.”
He laughed, a big gruff laugh that made his entire body shake momentarily, “Good a reason as any, I suppose. Alright then, what do you need?”
I sighed; I hadn't gotten that far.
“I need a plan,” I told him, “and help carrying it out.”
He nodded in a slightly incredulous fashion, “So you want a saviour rather than a sidekick?” and turned to walk away.
“Ok... ok... Look, I'm possibly prisoner here, not sure. If I'm not, I still don't really have much in the way of transport. Is it walkable to Cardiff from here? Or to any form of public transport? I don't really fancy my chances at hitching. Maybe I could head into the village and beg a lift from one of the locals. Shit, maybe I could beg a meal from one of the locals. I don't even have any money.”
“Money, I can do,” he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a variety of notes and coins. He quickly flicked through them with the same ease that Harry shuffled the cards and singled out the UK currency, “Four hundred enough?”
“You... you just carry that around with you?”
He rolled his eyes, “I'm a friggin' faerie, love.”
I smiled, then started to laugh, “This is just too, too weird.”
“Hey,” I said.
She turned her head and smiled, still playing with the cards, “Hi, Fi. How are you?”
“I'm ok... Hungry.”
“Oh!” she exclaimed, putting the cards down. She rifled through her bag and presented me with a handful of cherries.
I smiled, “Thanks,” I wolfed them down, then sighed.
“What's wrong, Fi?”
“This is lovely. You're lovely for getting them for me, but it's not enough. It's not a meal. You don't eat at all?”
She shrugged, “Sometimes.”
“But you don't need to.”
She shook her head, “Only so we don't stand out; y'know, look odd to the mortals.”
“You know when you do? You know how there's all different kinds of food?”
“Yeah. I like the last bit best.”
“The last bit?”
“Yeah, the one made of chocolate or fruit or something.”
“Dessert, yeah, right. Me too, actually. I'm a big fan of ice-cream, but you can't just eat dessert.”
“I know. Nan says it looks odd if I do.”
“I mean, I can't just eat dessert. I need different foods, like bread, cheese, eggs, vegetables.”
“Rabbits?”
“No, I don't eat meat.”
She looked confused.
“No animals. Nothing with blood.”
She nodded, though her face was twisted into a confused grimmace, “I'll see what I can do.”
*
I left her with her cards and wandered out into the gardens. I walked along the path leading to the big front gate, sauntering slowly in an effort to hide any desire I had to just walk through them. If I could walk right up to them without anyone stopping me, then perhaps tomorrow I would try to walk through them. Apart from everything else, I was rather bored of the castle now. It seemed time for a change of scenery.
I sighed, “I just want to go home,” I muttered under my breath.
“Go on then.”
I started and turned to see Bryn standing beside me.
“Are you following me?”
“Yep,” he said without so much as a vague look of embarrassment.
“Why?”
He shrugged, “Figure if something's going to happen, it's going to happen around you.”
It made sense in a strange way, but did nothing to comfort me.
“So, you think I could just walk through these doors and hop on a bus back to London?”
He put his hand to his face and rubbed his chin, considering what I had asked, “Doubt it. No buses in Ogmore that I'm aware of.”
My head dropped into my hand and I rubbed my eyes, “Will you help me?”
“Help you? Why would I do that?”
“Well... to piss off Arianwen, apart from anything else.”
He laughed, a big gruff laugh that made his entire body shake momentarily, “Good a reason as any, I suppose. Alright then, what do you need?”
I sighed; I hadn't gotten that far.
“I need a plan,” I told him, “and help carrying it out.”
He nodded in a slightly incredulous fashion, “So you want a saviour rather than a sidekick?” and turned to walk away.
“Ok... ok... Look, I'm possibly prisoner here, not sure. If I'm not, I still don't really have much in the way of transport. Is it walkable to Cardiff from here? Or to any form of public transport? I don't really fancy my chances at hitching. Maybe I could head into the village and beg a lift from one of the locals. Shit, maybe I could beg a meal from one of the locals. I don't even have any money.”
“Money, I can do,” he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a variety of notes and coins. He quickly flicked through them with the same ease that Harry shuffled the cards and singled out the UK currency, “Four hundred enough?”
“You... you just carry that around with you?”
He rolled his eyes, “I'm a friggin' faerie, love.”
I smiled, then started to laugh, “This is just too, too weird.”
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Installment 49
I woke, surprised that I'd slept at all. Janet wasn't there. I felt relieved, then guilty, then just confused again. I tried to remember details of how things had been. It was like I'd been drunk the whole time and could only remember snatches of what had happened. I was fairly sure that wasn't true. I'd been working; I'd been doing normal stuff; I just couldn't remember properly. I tried more recent stuff. I thought about when I'd been in Ogmore before. I closed my eyes and pictured the scene.
I had walked into the pub; Errol was sitting at the bar. He smiled his half smile that I'd taken for a sneer the first time I'd met him, but knew by then that he was genuinely pleased to see me.
“Afternoon,” he said and waved his hand at the barman.
The barman poured a pint of cider and placed it in front of me at the bar. I smiled and sat down at the bar, sipping at the dry scrumpy. I didn't really like it all that much, but they brought it in from Somerset and insisted it was far superior to anything I truly enjoyed. I'd grown to like it a bit over the days I'd been coming to meet Errol.
“How are you today, sir?” I asked.
He shook his head, “Forgotten my name again? People only call me sir when they can't think what else to call me.”
“Maybe I just think of you as a gentleman.”
He grunted, “Is that is?”
“Definitely.”
He smiled again, his teeth showing slightly this time, “So, what news, townie?”
I shrugged, “I dunno. Still much the same. She's gone before I wake up and returns before dinner. We eat and sleep and that's about it.”
“You don't talk?”
“Yeah, I guess we do.”
“What about?”
I tried to remember, but eventually just shake my head and apologise.
I blinked a few times. It wasn't that we'd drunk too much wine at dinner; I was fairly sure of that. It was like the minute we'd sat down to eat, I'd gone into a daze. I sighed, annoyed at my own inability to remember things, and confused by everything I was thinking and feeling. How could I be so useless? My thoughts were interrupted by my stomach growling. I'd almost forgotten how hungry I was. Harry had gone scavenging and found me some more fruit, but that was all I'd had since we arrived. I sighed, stood up and stomped out of the room.
I had walked into the pub; Errol was sitting at the bar. He smiled his half smile that I'd taken for a sneer the first time I'd met him, but knew by then that he was genuinely pleased to see me.
“Afternoon,” he said and waved his hand at the barman.
The barman poured a pint of cider and placed it in front of me at the bar. I smiled and sat down at the bar, sipping at the dry scrumpy. I didn't really like it all that much, but they brought it in from Somerset and insisted it was far superior to anything I truly enjoyed. I'd grown to like it a bit over the days I'd been coming to meet Errol.
“How are you today, sir?” I asked.
He shook his head, “Forgotten my name again? People only call me sir when they can't think what else to call me.”
“Maybe I just think of you as a gentleman.”
He grunted, “Is that is?”
“Definitely.”
He smiled again, his teeth showing slightly this time, “So, what news, townie?”
I shrugged, “I dunno. Still much the same. She's gone before I wake up and returns before dinner. We eat and sleep and that's about it.”
“You don't talk?”
“Yeah, I guess we do.”
“What about?”
I tried to remember, but eventually just shake my head and apologise.
I blinked a few times. It wasn't that we'd drunk too much wine at dinner; I was fairly sure of that. It was like the minute we'd sat down to eat, I'd gone into a daze. I sighed, annoyed at my own inability to remember things, and confused by everything I was thinking and feeling. How could I be so useless? My thoughts were interrupted by my stomach growling. I'd almost forgotten how hungry I was. Harry had gone scavenging and found me some more fruit, but that was all I'd had since we arrived. I sighed, stood up and stomped out of the room.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Installment 48
I know I probably dropped off at some point, but it felt like I just lay there for hours and hours thinking stuff over and over, and coming up with nothing but more frustration. Even if I could just walk out of the castle, where would I go? And what would Janet do? Would she come with me? Had anyone been telling me the truth through all of this?
I think I must have moved and she must have felt me move. I felt her move closer and put her arm around me. I tried desperately not to move. I wanted her to think I was asleep and to leave me alone. At the same time, I wanted her to know that I couldn't sleep and to comfort me. I wanted to be back in London in bed with Kelly. I wanted it to all be simple again. I wanted... what? We'd been fighting for months. It had been tiring, at best. I remembered what it felt like back then. Lying in her arms, pretending to be asleep, hoping she wouldn't try to wake me. Sometimes I'd feel her hand wandering and I'd continue to pretend to sleep. If she persisted, sometimes I'd have to turn, kiss her lightly and tell her I was too tired, or that I had a headache. Every so often, I would let her go further, usually only if I'd had a bottle of wine or so, though.
My body spasmed and I sat upright.
Janet leaned over and rubbed her hand down back, “What's wrong, Fi?”
I squeezed by eyes shut and then blinked a couple of times, “I... I dunno. Just memories, I guess.”
“What?” she sounded confused.
“I... I guess... I guess I realised I'd been thinking about things wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought... I mean, I remembered... I remembered being so happy, but I don't think I was. I think I was... I think it was me who... I mean, I think it was her who... I don't know.”
“What are you talking about, love? Who's she?”
I looked directly at her, “Kelly. Who else?”
She pursed her lips and looked down.
“What?” I asked her.
She shrugged, “I thought you'd forgotten about her.”
“How could I forget about her? Why would you think that?”
She shook her head, “It doesn't matter.”
“She was the whole reason I left London in the first place. I wouldn't even have met you if I hadn't... well, if I hadn't done that...”
She looked hurt, “And you're still in love with her.”
“That's kind of the thing. I'm not sure I was. I mean, I'm not sure what I felt, or what I feel. I just,” I collapsed back into the bed, “I just wish things were simple.”
I felt her hand lightly stroke my back. I reached round and pushed her away, “I'm tired.”
I think I must have moved and she must have felt me move. I felt her move closer and put her arm around me. I tried desperately not to move. I wanted her to think I was asleep and to leave me alone. At the same time, I wanted her to know that I couldn't sleep and to comfort me. I wanted to be back in London in bed with Kelly. I wanted it to all be simple again. I wanted... what? We'd been fighting for months. It had been tiring, at best. I remembered what it felt like back then. Lying in her arms, pretending to be asleep, hoping she wouldn't try to wake me. Sometimes I'd feel her hand wandering and I'd continue to pretend to sleep. If she persisted, sometimes I'd have to turn, kiss her lightly and tell her I was too tired, or that I had a headache. Every so often, I would let her go further, usually only if I'd had a bottle of wine or so, though.
My body spasmed and I sat upright.
Janet leaned over and rubbed her hand down back, “What's wrong, Fi?”
I squeezed by eyes shut and then blinked a couple of times, “I... I dunno. Just memories, I guess.”
“What?” she sounded confused.
“I... I guess... I guess I realised I'd been thinking about things wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought... I mean, I remembered... I remembered being so happy, but I don't think I was. I think I was... I think it was me who... I mean, I think it was her who... I don't know.”
“What are you talking about, love? Who's she?”
I looked directly at her, “Kelly. Who else?”
She pursed her lips and looked down.
“What?” I asked her.
She shrugged, “I thought you'd forgotten about her.”
“How could I forget about her? Why would you think that?”
She shook her head, “It doesn't matter.”
“She was the whole reason I left London in the first place. I wouldn't even have met you if I hadn't... well, if I hadn't done that...”
She looked hurt, “And you're still in love with her.”
“That's kind of the thing. I'm not sure I was. I mean, I'm not sure what I felt, or what I feel. I just,” I collapsed back into the bed, “I just wish things were simple.”
I felt her hand lightly stroke my back. I reached round and pushed her away, “I'm tired.”
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Installment 47
And that got me thinking. I only really had Janet's word for it that I couldn't leave. Even Brin didn't know about Arianwen holding me prisoner. Surely, she'd have told her brother, or whatever he was to her. I began to wonder how she actually felt about Gwendolyn. Did she think of her as her mother? And of Brin as her brother? Or was she just completely using them and trying to make them believe? And Harry? Harry was her daughter, but did that mean she cared about her? Loved her? Harry clearly adored her, but Harry was at least part-human, or mortal.
“Whatcha thinking?” Janet crept up on me.
I jumped, “Shit!”
“You ok?”
“You just scared me.”
“Sorry, love.”
I shook my head, “It doesn't matter. I was miles away.”
She smiled and gazed at me. It was slightly off-putting, but kind of sweet. My head was all over the place. I had no idea whether to believe what she'd told me and whether to trust she was on my side. I tried to smile back, but she could tell something was wrong. I could see her expression change to one of concern.
“I'm really hungry,” I told her before she had the chance to say anything.
She looked upset, “I know, love. I'm going to try to get you some more food. It's just difficult.”
I felt bad, “I know, love,” I leaned close and kissed her softly. It felt strange; not like the familiarity I'd felt before in the maze. I think I flinched. I think she felt it. I assumed she did. How could she not have?
I pretended it had all felt ok, and she pretended she believed that. We both pretended we didn't realise the other was pretending. It was fantastically awkward. I began to wish I hadn't spoke to Brin; hadn't thought of the idea that Janet may be lying to me, or mis-leading me. She hadn't actually told me a lie. Arianwen probably wouldn't let us leave; but there was a difference between not allowing us to leave and preventing us leaving. I wondered which it was. Surely a being that powerful would be able to stop a mere mortal leaving a castle. Easy – far too easy. Maybe not so easy when I had an immortal protector; and immortal lover. Whatever Janet was to me – and I really hadn't worked that out – she loved me; I believed that. I believed she would do what was best for me, but somehow, I didn't trust her. I didn't trust her judgement of what was best for me.
“Fi?” Janet paused, then tried my full name, “Fiona?”
I blinked a couple of times and realised she was talking, “Sorry, yeah. I mean, yeah? What's up?”
She smiled and put a hand on my shoulder, protectively, “You need to sleep.”
I looked up at her; I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of her, so I turned away, “Yeah, I think I do – and I need to eat. If she's going to keep us here, she needs to feed me, or she may as well kill me now,” then I stood and walked over to the bed, flopping onto it. I buried my head into the pillow and closed my eyes, pretending to fall straight asleep.
She knew I wasn't asleep, but tried to play along. She kissed my temple and whispered, “Sleep well, my love.”
“Whatcha thinking?” Janet crept up on me.
I jumped, “Shit!”
“You ok?”
“You just scared me.”
“Sorry, love.”
I shook my head, “It doesn't matter. I was miles away.”
She smiled and gazed at me. It was slightly off-putting, but kind of sweet. My head was all over the place. I had no idea whether to believe what she'd told me and whether to trust she was on my side. I tried to smile back, but she could tell something was wrong. I could see her expression change to one of concern.
“I'm really hungry,” I told her before she had the chance to say anything.
She looked upset, “I know, love. I'm going to try to get you some more food. It's just difficult.”
I felt bad, “I know, love,” I leaned close and kissed her softly. It felt strange; not like the familiarity I'd felt before in the maze. I think I flinched. I think she felt it. I assumed she did. How could she not have?
I pretended it had all felt ok, and she pretended she believed that. We both pretended we didn't realise the other was pretending. It was fantastically awkward. I began to wish I hadn't spoke to Brin; hadn't thought of the idea that Janet may be lying to me, or mis-leading me. She hadn't actually told me a lie. Arianwen probably wouldn't let us leave; but there was a difference between not allowing us to leave and preventing us leaving. I wondered which it was. Surely a being that powerful would be able to stop a mere mortal leaving a castle. Easy – far too easy. Maybe not so easy when I had an immortal protector; and immortal lover. Whatever Janet was to me – and I really hadn't worked that out – she loved me; I believed that. I believed she would do what was best for me, but somehow, I didn't trust her. I didn't trust her judgement of what was best for me.
“Fi?” Janet paused, then tried my full name, “Fiona?”
I blinked a couple of times and realised she was talking, “Sorry, yeah. I mean, yeah? What's up?”
She smiled and put a hand on my shoulder, protectively, “You need to sleep.”
I looked up at her; I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of her, so I turned away, “Yeah, I think I do – and I need to eat. If she's going to keep us here, she needs to feed me, or she may as well kill me now,” then I stood and walked over to the bed, flopping onto it. I buried my head into the pillow and closed my eyes, pretending to fall straight asleep.
She knew I wasn't asleep, but tried to play along. She kissed my temple and whispered, “Sleep well, my love.”
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