I woke with a start. I had turned to put my arm around Kelly, thinking it was her in bed with me, and when my fingertips touched Janet's skin, it was like a jolt of electricity had gone through me.
"Shit!" I exclaimed.
"Oh, sorry about that. Reflex."
"What?"
"If someone's attacking me, I shock them."
"I wasn't attacking you!"
"I know, love. It was just an automatic reaction. I didn't mean to. Are you hurt?"
"No, no, no. Just a shock. You automatically give electric shocks to people who touch you?"
"Not always. Like, if I'm scared or anxious, or if I'm asleep and someone might be trying to attack me."
"Why would anyone want to attack you?"
She giggled, "I can't imagine at all."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Hmmmph..." I hunched my shoulders and turned away, "I'm going to have a shower."
After showering, I spent as much time as I could faffing about in the bathroom, trying to delay going out to speak to Janet again. I couldn't quite say why, but I was really thrown by the electric shock, and about her suggestion that she had people out there wanting to hurt her. Eventually, I dressed and wandered out into the room. Janet wasn't there, but she'd left a note.
"Fi,
I think it's probably time to leave Cardiff and get back on the road again. I will meet you in reception at midday.
Janet."
I didn't really like being bossed about like that, so stomped around the room for a while, then packed my bags and went downstairs to check out. I was informed that my room had been paid for and that my companion was waiting in the car. I handed over my keycard and decided not to worry about quite how Janet would get into my car.
Sure enough, she was sat inside the car. She at least had the decency to take the passenger seat. I tried the door and found it to be locked. I unlocked it.
"Why did you lock the door again?"
"I never unlocked it."
"Then how did you?.... Never mind..."
I put the key in the ignition and started up the car, put on my seatbelt and set off out of the car park.
"So, where are we headed?"
"Keep going west."
"Ok," I headed onto the motorway, west and further into Wales, with the stereo blaring out some random pop tunes from the radio. I bopped my head along to the meaningless lyrics sung by autotuned voices over backing performed by under-paid musicians or computers and lost myself in the moment, almost forgetting Janet was there.
"Take the next exit," she said, and brought me out of my dream.
I did so, and drove on smaller roads following Janet's directions until we pulled up outside a B&B in Ogmore-by-Sea. We wandered in and the man behind the reception greeted Janet with a hug and kiss on the cheek and me with contempt.
"Same room as usual, love?" he asked.
"Yes, please."
He led us through a maze of corridors that didn't seem like they should fit inside the building we had entered and opened the door to a big airy bedroom with a brautiful sea view. He handed Janet the key and then left us alone.
"Wow," I said.
"Worth the drive?"
"Totally!" It hadn't been a particularly long or bad drive, but I didn't question why she had implied it to be so.
"We'll be safe here."
"Safe?" I asked, wondering just how much I had divulged to her about my situation.
"Oh, don't be so surprised. I read your file. You killed your girlfriend. It was an accident, but you can't go to the police because you'd meant to kill her lover instead, and attempted murder isn't much better than murder in their eyes. You decided to go on the run instead. You met me and your life just got a hell of a lot easier than it could have been."
"Right... Ok... I guess. So, you bring all the girls here?" I was trying to be playful, to ease the tension a little.
She nodded, "The guys too. It's safe here. People don't look in Ogmore-by-Sea."
I slumped down on one of the twin beds, "Because it's a shithole?"
"Really? You think that? Look out the window, Fi."
I did so. It really was idyllic.
"That's why I come here, but the reason people don't look in Ogmore-by-Sea is that I put a charm on the town so that people don't think to look in Ogmore-by-Sea. It just doesn't occur to them."
I was still not sure why I so readily believed what Janet told me. Maybe she had put a charm on me too, but that involved what she told me being true, "So, no-one comes here at all?"
"Yeah, people come here. People come here because it's lovely and because they want to relax and take in the sea air and go for long walks on the beach. No-one thinks to come here if their motives are negative or aggressive."
"Wow, but you could be found here by someone who's looking for you for nice reasons?"
"Hmmmm... yeah, I guess so. I'd never really thought about it."
***
I slept well that night. After a long walk along the coast in the afternoon, we had dinner delivered to our room, then Janet went off to speak to the man from reception and I fell asleep. I dreamt about Kelly again, but she wasn't talking to me this time. It was less vivid. I could just feel her in bed beside me - warm and comforting. It made me happy. I was happy for the first time in many, many months.
Monday, 29 March 2010
Friday, 26 March 2010
Installment number 7
Janet asked for the bill. We sat in silence, mopping up the last remnants of jalfrezi and dopiaza with the crusts of the naan bread. I was trying not to think about what she'd told me, but the more it made sense.
"Ok, so you're my guardian angel, and Elena is my... what? Daemon?"
"It's not quite like that."
"So, what is it like?"
She sighed, "Have you read Freud?"
"No."
"Right... I haven't either, but it's something like this. There's 3 parts to your psyche - the id, the ego and the super-ego. The ego is kind of your view of the world, the super-ego is all your morals and the id is your willingness to give into temptation. If you think of me as your super-ego and Elena as your id, maybe that will help."
"I'm really not sure it will. I think maybe more beer would help. Shall we head back to the hotel bar?"
"Ok, if you like."
Janet left money for the food after a brief "oh no, let me get this" semi-argument that I remember hearing so many times as a child and vowing that, when I grew up, I'd just damn well let other people pay for everything if they were so keen to do so. I realised I must be an adult the first time I found myself doing it. I let this one slide after amusing thought that if Janet were telling the truth, she probably had a celestial credit card that could be charged back to the "company".
Back at the bar, we both ordered drinks and Janet waited for me to say something, or at least, that's how I read the silence. I decided to see how long she'd wait before she got impatient and just asked me something. We finished our first drinks in silence and I went to the bar and ordered more. When I brought them over, she said a quiet "thanks" but nothing more. After the third silent drink, I decided that clearly the best way to deal with this situation was to take the piss.
"So, Janet, what's heaven like?"
"What?"
"Well, you're an angel, yeah? So you live in heaven, don't you?"
"No. Not most of the time."
"But you've been there. What's it like?"
"It's like..." she pause, "a really, really good dream."
"Hmmmm?"
"In some ways, it doesn't feel quite real, and time passes strangely. Sometimes, it feels like you've been there for an age and you wake up and it was only 5 minutes and sometimes it feels like no time at all and you wake up and 100 years have passed."
"Wait... 100 years? How old are you?"
She shrugged, "I have the body of someone in their late 20s, but it's looked this way for many centuries. I don't recall if I had a body before this, but I'm fairly sure my spirit existed before this body did."
"Woah... and you live on earth? Like... among us?"
"Yes, most of the time."
"That's so cool. What about hell? Is that like a really bad nightmare?"
Janet looked down, "I suppose so. I... I don't like to think about it."
I was suddenly very aware that I had started to believe everything she was telling me, which threw me for a moment, but the world didn't make much sense at the moment and I wanted someone to guide me, so guardian angel or not, I let her lead me up to the hotel room. We slept side by side, never touching, but her presence made me feel safe. Her presence made me forget about Kelly for a short while.
"Ok, so you're my guardian angel, and Elena is my... what? Daemon?"
"It's not quite like that."
"So, what is it like?"
She sighed, "Have you read Freud?"
"No."
"Right... I haven't either, but it's something like this. There's 3 parts to your psyche - the id, the ego and the super-ego. The ego is kind of your view of the world, the super-ego is all your morals and the id is your willingness to give into temptation. If you think of me as your super-ego and Elena as your id, maybe that will help."
"I'm really not sure it will. I think maybe more beer would help. Shall we head back to the hotel bar?"
"Ok, if you like."
Janet left money for the food after a brief "oh no, let me get this" semi-argument that I remember hearing so many times as a child and vowing that, when I grew up, I'd just damn well let other people pay for everything if they were so keen to do so. I realised I must be an adult the first time I found myself doing it. I let this one slide after amusing thought that if Janet were telling the truth, she probably had a celestial credit card that could be charged back to the "company".
Back at the bar, we both ordered drinks and Janet waited for me to say something, or at least, that's how I read the silence. I decided to see how long she'd wait before she got impatient and just asked me something. We finished our first drinks in silence and I went to the bar and ordered more. When I brought them over, she said a quiet "thanks" but nothing more. After the third silent drink, I decided that clearly the best way to deal with this situation was to take the piss.
"So, Janet, what's heaven like?"
"What?"
"Well, you're an angel, yeah? So you live in heaven, don't you?"
"No. Not most of the time."
"But you've been there. What's it like?"
"It's like..." she pause, "a really, really good dream."
"Hmmmm?"
"In some ways, it doesn't feel quite real, and time passes strangely. Sometimes, it feels like you've been there for an age and you wake up and it was only 5 minutes and sometimes it feels like no time at all and you wake up and 100 years have passed."
"Wait... 100 years? How old are you?"
She shrugged, "I have the body of someone in their late 20s, but it's looked this way for many centuries. I don't recall if I had a body before this, but I'm fairly sure my spirit existed before this body did."
"Woah... and you live on earth? Like... among us?"
"Yes, most of the time."
"That's so cool. What about hell? Is that like a really bad nightmare?"
Janet looked down, "I suppose so. I... I don't like to think about it."
I was suddenly very aware that I had started to believe everything she was telling me, which threw me for a moment, but the world didn't make much sense at the moment and I wanted someone to guide me, so guardian angel or not, I let her lead me up to the hotel room. We slept side by side, never touching, but her presence made me feel safe. Her presence made me forget about Kelly for a short while.
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Installment number 6
I awoke in Janet's bed. My head was on fire and my mouth was dry.
“Morning, babe,” she said.
I contemplated pretending to still be asleep, but decided that was stupid, “Ah, hey.”
“Sleep well?”
“Um... I have no idea. It's all a bit vague after a while.”
She smiled kindly and nodded, “Yeah, it gets like that, sometimes. Seems to me you had something you needed out of your system. Sometimes, letting go is the only way to do that.”
“Hmmm... maybe.”
“Tea?”
I sighed with pleasure, “Tea would be lovely. Just black, no sugar, thanks.”
“Sure,” she said and wandered off to make tea.
I looked around me. The room was beautifully decorated, but very heavy. The walls were a deep crimson red with dark yellow trim. It looked almost regal. I had always favoured light colours and minimal décor, but could certainly appreciate other tastes.
Janet returned to the room and handed me a cup of tea, putting her own on the side.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“Early yet, sweetheart, only about 8:30. I'm just an early riser.”
I nodded, trying to calculate when I would need to leave in order to get back to the hotel for check out time, then realised I didn't have the necessary information, “Where am I?”
Janet laughed slightly, “You're at my place.”
“Yeah, but where is that?”
“Oh, pretty close to the city. I can drive you back if you're in a hurry to get away.”
“Not hugely. I need to check out of my hotel by 12, or else book another night.”
“Plenty of time for a lazy morning and breakfast then?”
“Sounds good,” I replied, before really thinking what the implications of a 'lazy morning' were.
She climbed into the bed beside me and put her head on my shoulder. My automatic responses from the days before Kelly kicked in, and I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
***
Janet drove me back to the hotel and we made the ridiculous farce of me promising to call her if I stayed in town and her pretending to believe me. I considered for a moment checking out, then decided that I was still in no fit state to drive. I checked in for an extra night and fell asleep face down on my bed.
I awoke with a start when I heard someone in my room. I moved slowly off the side of the bed, and hid down beside it, ready to jump out at them if necessary. The footsteps seemed to stop and then the curtains were quickly drawn back. I let out an involuntary yelp, then scrambled under the bed.
“Hello?” said a woman's voice, “Who's there? Oh, 'ave they messed up my schedule again? I'm sorry. They said this room was vacated. So sorry.”
And she left. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Should I take her at her word, or was she here to see what my reaction would be. Just how bad was my situation? I looked at the clock, 6:30 – I'd slept all day. I decided to do the unthinkable. I called Janet.
“Hi Janet, it's Fi, from, um... from last night?”
“Hey Fi. How's things?”
“Um... yeah, not so bad. I decided to stay in Cardiff and, well, you said to let you know if I did, so, um... I am.”
“Ah cool. Listen, hon, can I call you back? I'm a bit busy at the moment.”
“Oh, sure, yeah, that's fine.”
She took down the number for the hotel and my room number. I wondered briefly if she was also with the police, but decided that it was probably narcotic induced paranoia, or something. Maybe I just needed some food.
I glanced through the hotel menu and the pizza flyers and called for a pizza to be delivered. A large vegetarian for a large vegetarian. Oh, how that joke had amused Kelly at first. Granted, she got sick of it fairly quickly, but the first few weeks when they were in their phase of everything the other did being adorable, she giggled sweetly every time it was said. 'We really must have eaten a lot of pizza those first few weeks,' I thought. New lovers, too smitten to cook, maybe? Or maybe I'm just remembering one time over and over.
The pizza arrived along with a can of diet coke. A running joke between my friends and I, that I'd eat a whole pizza, then have a diet coke to go with it. I just prefer the taste, to be honest.
I was halfway through the pizza when Janet returned my call.
“Hi Fi, it's Janet.”
“Hey, how goes?”
“Ah, not bad. Sorry about that. I had to calm Elena down. She was in a foul mood. Not sure why.”
“Right.”
“So, you're still in Cardiff, presumably for some reason?”
“Not really. Just wasn't sure I was up to driving when I got back to the hotel, so seemed prudent to stay another night. I should head off in the morning.”
“Right,” she sounded slightly disappointed.
“About last night...”
“Nothing happened, Fi.”
“What?”
“You came back, we kissed, then you fell asleep. Nothing happened. Don't worry.”
“I... I just meant...”
“I know what you meant. It's ok. I'm used to it.”
“No, I... I'm kind of involved with someone,” I didn't know how better to describe it.
“I know – you told me. You were calling her...”
Her sentence ended in a mumble. I guess I was talking in my sleep.
“I'm sorry,” I said.
“It's ok. Look, do you want to meet for dinner? Just as friends.”
I glanced at the half of the huge pizza on my bed, “Um... yeah, sure. That sounds good.”
We made arrangements to meet later that evening and I downed the end of the can of diet coke and stowed the pizza for late night snacking or breakfast and I jumped in the shower. Running my fingers through my hair, I remembered Kelly talking to me last night in my dreams. I wondered if she'd visit me again tonight. Half of me really hoped she would and half of me dreaded it. What if she came back angry. Shit – what if she saw me with Janet last night and got the wrong idea. I rinsed myself off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my body and a second one round my hair.
I laid down on the bed for a moment and closed my eyes, then awoke to the sound of the phone.
“Oh shit!” I picked up the receiver, “Hello?”
“Hi Fi,” Janet sounded disappointed.
“Janet, I'm so sorry. I just fell asleep. I will be out in, like, 5 minutes and with you in 15.”
“I'm downstairs, Fi.”
“Um...”
“Just meet me in the hotel bar.”
“Ah, ok. Yeah, sure.”
I dressed and brushed my hair, then wandered downstairs. Janet was sat at the bar with a martini in her hand. It amused me slighly. I didn't realise anyone actually drank martinis. I walked up and stood beside her.
"Hey"
"Hi Fi. Well rested?"
"Ah, yeah, sorry about that."
"No problem. Pretty big night last night."
"Yeah, it was that. I don't remember a great deal."
"I'm not surprised. What did you take?"
"What did I take? Um... I don't know. Elena gave it to me. I kind of thought everyone was..." I trailed off realising how stupid I sounded.
"Elena gave it to you? You knew her from before?"
"No, I just... um... I don't know why I... I... it just seemed the right thing to do."
"Like she had some kind of power over you?"
"Like what? No... I don't think that's it at all. Just, like... I dunno. Like it had been a really shitty day and someone handed me a 'forget it all' pill. It seemed right to take it."
"Hmmm..." Janet looked thoughtful.
"What?"
"Nothing. Just wondering something."
"About Elena?"
"Yeah, kind of."
"What about her?"
"Hmmmm? Oh, nothing important. Let's go somewhere and eat. I'm starving."
We stepped out onto the main street and wandered up and down looking for somewhere that looked sufficiently appetising. Nowhere particularly appealed to me, partly because I was still full from the pizza. Eventually, Janet chose an Indian restaurant and we sat at a table near the back nibbling on poppadoms.
"So, do you think you'll stay in Cardiff a little longer?" Janet asked me, casually.
"I don't know. I didn't intend to, but I feel kind of right here."
"Kind of right? Like how?"
"Like, it makes sense for me to be here. I can't explain."
"Like it made sense to take the pill Elena gave you?"
"Janet..."
"Just asking."
"I guess a bit like that. I don't know why it seems right, and it doesn't make much sense, but it does seem right, yeah."
"Fi, can I tell you something?"
"Um... ok."
"I think I know the reason. I think it's kind of to do with me."
"Janet, I thought I explained..."
"Not like that. Ok, can you suspend disbelief for about 5 to 10 minutes?"
"Ooookaaay..." I looked at her suspiciously.
"Look, I'm going to tell you some stuff and it's going to sound pretty out there. You may not believe me, but everything I tell you is the truth."
"Right..." I looked sideways, "Hang on," I said calling the waiter over, "Can I have a pint of lager, please? Thanks."
Janet shook her head to indicate that she didn't want another drink and stared at me.
"I find stuff that's pretty out there easier to deal with if I have beer."
"Right," she paused while the waiter brought the beer over and then continued, "Do you believe in angels?"
“Morning, babe,” she said.
I contemplated pretending to still be asleep, but decided that was stupid, “Ah, hey.”
“Sleep well?”
“Um... I have no idea. It's all a bit vague after a while.”
She smiled kindly and nodded, “Yeah, it gets like that, sometimes. Seems to me you had something you needed out of your system. Sometimes, letting go is the only way to do that.”
“Hmmm... maybe.”
“Tea?”
I sighed with pleasure, “Tea would be lovely. Just black, no sugar, thanks.”
“Sure,” she said and wandered off to make tea.
I looked around me. The room was beautifully decorated, but very heavy. The walls were a deep crimson red with dark yellow trim. It looked almost regal. I had always favoured light colours and minimal décor, but could certainly appreciate other tastes.
Janet returned to the room and handed me a cup of tea, putting her own on the side.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“Early yet, sweetheart, only about 8:30. I'm just an early riser.”
I nodded, trying to calculate when I would need to leave in order to get back to the hotel for check out time, then realised I didn't have the necessary information, “Where am I?”
Janet laughed slightly, “You're at my place.”
“Yeah, but where is that?”
“Oh, pretty close to the city. I can drive you back if you're in a hurry to get away.”
“Not hugely. I need to check out of my hotel by 12, or else book another night.”
“Plenty of time for a lazy morning and breakfast then?”
“Sounds good,” I replied, before really thinking what the implications of a 'lazy morning' were.
She climbed into the bed beside me and put her head on my shoulder. My automatic responses from the days before Kelly kicked in, and I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
***
Janet drove me back to the hotel and we made the ridiculous farce of me promising to call her if I stayed in town and her pretending to believe me. I considered for a moment checking out, then decided that I was still in no fit state to drive. I checked in for an extra night and fell asleep face down on my bed.
I awoke with a start when I heard someone in my room. I moved slowly off the side of the bed, and hid down beside it, ready to jump out at them if necessary. The footsteps seemed to stop and then the curtains were quickly drawn back. I let out an involuntary yelp, then scrambled under the bed.
“Hello?” said a woman's voice, “Who's there? Oh, 'ave they messed up my schedule again? I'm sorry. They said this room was vacated. So sorry.”
And she left. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Should I take her at her word, or was she here to see what my reaction would be. Just how bad was my situation? I looked at the clock, 6:30 – I'd slept all day. I decided to do the unthinkable. I called Janet.
“Hi Janet, it's Fi, from, um... from last night?”
“Hey Fi. How's things?”
“Um... yeah, not so bad. I decided to stay in Cardiff and, well, you said to let you know if I did, so, um... I am.”
“Ah cool. Listen, hon, can I call you back? I'm a bit busy at the moment.”
“Oh, sure, yeah, that's fine.”
She took down the number for the hotel and my room number. I wondered briefly if she was also with the police, but decided that it was probably narcotic induced paranoia, or something. Maybe I just needed some food.
I glanced through the hotel menu and the pizza flyers and called for a pizza to be delivered. A large vegetarian for a large vegetarian. Oh, how that joke had amused Kelly at first. Granted, she got sick of it fairly quickly, but the first few weeks when they were in their phase of everything the other did being adorable, she giggled sweetly every time it was said. 'We really must have eaten a lot of pizza those first few weeks,' I thought. New lovers, too smitten to cook, maybe? Or maybe I'm just remembering one time over and over.
The pizza arrived along with a can of diet coke. A running joke between my friends and I, that I'd eat a whole pizza, then have a diet coke to go with it. I just prefer the taste, to be honest.
I was halfway through the pizza when Janet returned my call.
“Hi Fi, it's Janet.”
“Hey, how goes?”
“Ah, not bad. Sorry about that. I had to calm Elena down. She was in a foul mood. Not sure why.”
“Right.”
“So, you're still in Cardiff, presumably for some reason?”
“Not really. Just wasn't sure I was up to driving when I got back to the hotel, so seemed prudent to stay another night. I should head off in the morning.”
“Right,” she sounded slightly disappointed.
“About last night...”
“Nothing happened, Fi.”
“What?”
“You came back, we kissed, then you fell asleep. Nothing happened. Don't worry.”
“I... I just meant...”
“I know what you meant. It's ok. I'm used to it.”
“No, I... I'm kind of involved with someone,” I didn't know how better to describe it.
“I know – you told me. You were calling her...”
Her sentence ended in a mumble. I guess I was talking in my sleep.
“I'm sorry,” I said.
“It's ok. Look, do you want to meet for dinner? Just as friends.”
I glanced at the half of the huge pizza on my bed, “Um... yeah, sure. That sounds good.”
We made arrangements to meet later that evening and I downed the end of the can of diet coke and stowed the pizza for late night snacking or breakfast and I jumped in the shower. Running my fingers through my hair, I remembered Kelly talking to me last night in my dreams. I wondered if she'd visit me again tonight. Half of me really hoped she would and half of me dreaded it. What if she came back angry. Shit – what if she saw me with Janet last night and got the wrong idea. I rinsed myself off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my body and a second one round my hair.
I laid down on the bed for a moment and closed my eyes, then awoke to the sound of the phone.
“Oh shit!” I picked up the receiver, “Hello?”
“Hi Fi,” Janet sounded disappointed.
“Janet, I'm so sorry. I just fell asleep. I will be out in, like, 5 minutes and with you in 15.”
“I'm downstairs, Fi.”
“Um...”
“Just meet me in the hotel bar.”
“Ah, ok. Yeah, sure.”
I dressed and brushed my hair, then wandered downstairs. Janet was sat at the bar with a martini in her hand. It amused me slighly. I didn't realise anyone actually drank martinis. I walked up and stood beside her.
"Hey"
"Hi Fi. Well rested?"
"Ah, yeah, sorry about that."
"No problem. Pretty big night last night."
"Yeah, it was that. I don't remember a great deal."
"I'm not surprised. What did you take?"
"What did I take? Um... I don't know. Elena gave it to me. I kind of thought everyone was..." I trailed off realising how stupid I sounded.
"Elena gave it to you? You knew her from before?"
"No, I just... um... I don't know why I... I... it just seemed the right thing to do."
"Like she had some kind of power over you?"
"Like what? No... I don't think that's it at all. Just, like... I dunno. Like it had been a really shitty day and someone handed me a 'forget it all' pill. It seemed right to take it."
"Hmmm..." Janet looked thoughtful.
"What?"
"Nothing. Just wondering something."
"About Elena?"
"Yeah, kind of."
"What about her?"
"Hmmmm? Oh, nothing important. Let's go somewhere and eat. I'm starving."
We stepped out onto the main street and wandered up and down looking for somewhere that looked sufficiently appetising. Nowhere particularly appealed to me, partly because I was still full from the pizza. Eventually, Janet chose an Indian restaurant and we sat at a table near the back nibbling on poppadoms.
"So, do you think you'll stay in Cardiff a little longer?" Janet asked me, casually.
"I don't know. I didn't intend to, but I feel kind of right here."
"Kind of right? Like how?"
"Like, it makes sense for me to be here. I can't explain."
"Like it made sense to take the pill Elena gave you?"
"Janet..."
"Just asking."
"I guess a bit like that. I don't know why it seems right, and it doesn't make much sense, but it does seem right, yeah."
"Fi, can I tell you something?"
"Um... ok."
"I think I know the reason. I think it's kind of to do with me."
"Janet, I thought I explained..."
"Not like that. Ok, can you suspend disbelief for about 5 to 10 minutes?"
"Ooookaaay..." I looked at her suspiciously.
"Look, I'm going to tell you some stuff and it's going to sound pretty out there. You may not believe me, but everything I tell you is the truth."
"Right..." I looked sideways, "Hang on," I said calling the waiter over, "Can I have a pint of lager, please? Thanks."
Janet shook her head to indicate that she didn't want another drink and stared at me.
"I find stuff that's pretty out there easier to deal with if I have beer."
"Right," she paused while the waiter brought the beer over and then continued, "Do you believe in angels?"
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
Installment number 5
That night Kelly came to me. I told her I was sorry. She said that it was alright, that I had made a mistake, but that she didn't mind, if only I'd come home. I told her that I knew there was no home left to go to. She told me that our house would always be my home while she was in it. I told her that she wasn't in it; that she was on a cold slab in a morgue. She told me that, if I would only come home, she would find a way to be there for me.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Installment number 4
It was only 10pm when I woke. I glanced at the flyer the woman had given me. The club didn't open for another hour. I knew I would be too wired to sleep now, so decided to go out instead. No alcohol, though. I needed to have a clear head in the morning, whether I stayed here or moved on.
It was exactly the sort of place that Kelly loved and I hated. The music was disgustingly loud and bass drum-heavy and the lights flashed in various colours in time to the “four to the floor” beat. I glanced around for the woman from the pub before realising that I'd never find her and I wasn't all that sure I wanted to anyway.
I went to the bar and ordered a coke. The woman next to me smiled and said something I didn't hear.
“Sorry? I can't hear you.”
She leaned closer, “You driving?”
“Oh... no.”
“But you're not drinking?”
“No,” it seemed a strange thing to ask a stranger.
She smiled and nodded, then walked away. I stood by the bar sipping my coke. She walked back about 10 minutes later and grabbed my hand. I thought she was going to kiss me for a moment, but then she walked away, leaving a small wrap of paper in my hand. She looked back over her shoulder and smiled at my confused look, then tilted her head, indicating a quieter spot where she and her friends were sitting. I half-nodded to show I understood, then grabbed my drink and wandered to the toilets.
Once there, I unwrapped the paper which contained 2 small tablets and a note saying “Complimentary gift because you're cute.” I gazed at the tablets for a few moments, then knocked them back and swallowed hard. I don't know why; it just felt like the right thing to do. They stuck in my throat a little, so I swallowed again. This time they went down fully. I left the cubicle and washed my hands, then wandered over to where the woman and her friends were sitting.
“Hi.”
“Oh, hey,” she responded, drawing out each word and smiling at me. I couldn't place her accent. It wasn't Welsh, anyway.
“Um... mind if I join you?”
She giggled slightly, “We'd be a bit upset if you didn't, sweetheart,” then she shuffled up so that there was space for me to sit between her and her friend, but not much.
“Ah... thanks,” I said, squeezing in.
“So, you're new,” said the woman, “I'm Elena.”
“Fi,” I said, “Fiona, that is.”
“Well, Fi-Fiona, welcome to our party. This is Janet,” and then she listed off a lot of names that I didn't remember even a couple of seconds later. Janet interested me, though. I can't quite say why, but she did.
As they were introduced, each person welcomed me in a way that seemed significantly more eyeing me up than actually pleased to have me there. I dreaded the moment when one of them asked me what brought me to Cardiff. 'Well, I poisoned my girlfriend and now she's dead and I'm on the run from the police, but I didn't mean to poison her, I meant to poison the woman I think she was having an affair with and I had even decided that was a bad idea after all, so that's all ok, isn't it? Isn't it?'
No-one asked me. No-one cared. Or else, no-one considered that there was any reason to be in Cardiff other than to show up to their party and amuse them. I could live with that, I decided. Someone brought a bottle of champagne to the table and some tequila shots. I made a half hearted attempt to refuse both, but was egged on by the others, and by the rising feeling of euphoria in me, which I assume was chemically induced.
After a while, we all danced. We owned the dancefloor. No-one even tried to usurp us. Sometimes we stood all in a circle and waved our hands maniacally in the air, other times, it seemed like I was almost slow dancing with one or other of the women, except that the music wasn't slow. The beat came fast and heavy. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. I could feel my heart beating in time. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. It was the rhythm in me. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. The rhythm in every one of us. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. The rhythm in my heart. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. The rhythm in my brain. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. The rhythm in my soul. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. And as I danced close to Janet, I could feel the rhythm deep down in me, inside me. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. Dooph dooph dooph dooph.
It was exactly the sort of place that Kelly loved and I hated. The music was disgustingly loud and bass drum-heavy and the lights flashed in various colours in time to the “four to the floor” beat. I glanced around for the woman from the pub before realising that I'd never find her and I wasn't all that sure I wanted to anyway.
I went to the bar and ordered a coke. The woman next to me smiled and said something I didn't hear.
“Sorry? I can't hear you.”
She leaned closer, “You driving?”
“Oh... no.”
“But you're not drinking?”
“No,” it seemed a strange thing to ask a stranger.
She smiled and nodded, then walked away. I stood by the bar sipping my coke. She walked back about 10 minutes later and grabbed my hand. I thought she was going to kiss me for a moment, but then she walked away, leaving a small wrap of paper in my hand. She looked back over her shoulder and smiled at my confused look, then tilted her head, indicating a quieter spot where she and her friends were sitting. I half-nodded to show I understood, then grabbed my drink and wandered to the toilets.
Once there, I unwrapped the paper which contained 2 small tablets and a note saying “Complimentary gift because you're cute.” I gazed at the tablets for a few moments, then knocked them back and swallowed hard. I don't know why; it just felt like the right thing to do. They stuck in my throat a little, so I swallowed again. This time they went down fully. I left the cubicle and washed my hands, then wandered over to where the woman and her friends were sitting.
“Hi.”
“Oh, hey,” she responded, drawing out each word and smiling at me. I couldn't place her accent. It wasn't Welsh, anyway.
“Um... mind if I join you?”
She giggled slightly, “We'd be a bit upset if you didn't, sweetheart,” then she shuffled up so that there was space for me to sit between her and her friend, but not much.
“Ah... thanks,” I said, squeezing in.
“So, you're new,” said the woman, “I'm Elena.”
“Fi,” I said, “Fiona, that is.”
“Well, Fi-Fiona, welcome to our party. This is Janet,” and then she listed off a lot of names that I didn't remember even a couple of seconds later. Janet interested me, though. I can't quite say why, but she did.
As they were introduced, each person welcomed me in a way that seemed significantly more eyeing me up than actually pleased to have me there. I dreaded the moment when one of them asked me what brought me to Cardiff. 'Well, I poisoned my girlfriend and now she's dead and I'm on the run from the police, but I didn't mean to poison her, I meant to poison the woman I think she was having an affair with and I had even decided that was a bad idea after all, so that's all ok, isn't it? Isn't it?'
No-one asked me. No-one cared. Or else, no-one considered that there was any reason to be in Cardiff other than to show up to their party and amuse them. I could live with that, I decided. Someone brought a bottle of champagne to the table and some tequila shots. I made a half hearted attempt to refuse both, but was egged on by the others, and by the rising feeling of euphoria in me, which I assume was chemically induced.
After a while, we all danced. We owned the dancefloor. No-one even tried to usurp us. Sometimes we stood all in a circle and waved our hands maniacally in the air, other times, it seemed like I was almost slow dancing with one or other of the women, except that the music wasn't slow. The beat came fast and heavy. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. I could feel my heart beating in time. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. It was the rhythm in me. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. The rhythm in every one of us. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. The rhythm in my heart. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. The rhythm in my brain. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. The rhythm in my soul. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. And as I danced close to Janet, I could feel the rhythm deep down in me, inside me. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. Dooph dooph dooph dooph. Dooph dooph dooph dooph.
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Installment number 3
Cardiff has long been a favourite place of mine, though I have only been there a handful of times. It's a city that has always seemed to be just what I want when I want it, no matter what that is. So when I went there looking for music, that's what I found, and when I went there looking for peace, that's what I found. I went today looking for sanctuary and for answers. I was uncertain exactly what I would find, but I was sure I'd find it there.
I checked into a big faceless hotel in the city centre under the name of the woman who had run around the service station so many years ago. I paid in cash for one night only, thinking that I could easily pay again in the morning if I wanted to stay. I reluctantly gave over my car registration details so that I could park in the car park and made a note that I may have to switch plates with a car that was already in there. I wasn't entirely sure how switching plates would work, but I'd heard of it happening, so thought that it must be possible, and probably fairly simple, otherwise people would simply steal cars instead.
I tied my long hair in a knot on the top of my head, deciding that I would have to cut it shorter and style it differently in order to change my appearance. That could wait, though.
I walked out of the hotel and turned right away from the river, and into the nearest pub. It was still relatively early to be in a pub, so I got a table easily and perused the menu. I ordered vegetarian lasagne and a pint of generic cider and was given my drink and a large block of wood with a number on it so that they could find where to deliver the food to. I grabbed a local events listing and sat back at the table, leafing through it, though not really taking any of it in. I should have brought a book, but didn't think of it.
I half wanted to sit and eat and drink and then go back to my hotel room and mope, but something in me craved human interaction. Just to speak to someone, or to listen to their stories. I got myself so wrapped up in the idea of a stranger walking over to confide in me that when the server brought my food I invited them to sit down, then mumbled embarrassedly that I was waiting for someone and thought that it was them.
The food was the same standard fare as you got everywhere these days. The token veggie option in a meat-eater's world. That's not true. Most places were pretty good about it these days, but not this place. There was jacket potato with cheese and/or beans and veggie lasagne, which was made of cardboard. I ate it anyway, thirstily gulping at my cider between mouthfuls and wandered to the bar to get another pint halfway through my meal. When I returned a woman was hovering next to my table.
“You sitting here?”
“Um... yeah, but there's space if you want to join me.”
She looked around, clearly thinking about whether she should or not, though I couldn't figure out why.
“Yeah, ok, I guess,” she said, and sat down.
She was probably about 35 with a thick Welsh valley accent. Her hair was cut short and her skin looked prematurely aged by weather or drink, I couldn't tell which.
“You're not from round here,” she said. It was a statement not a question.
“No, I'm from London.”
She grunted slightly, “Don't like it there myself. Too many people. Cardiff's quite busy enough for the likes of me.”
I nodded in agreement, “It's just kind of where I ended up,” I didn't mention Kelly, nor that I had only moved to London a year or so earlier to be with her.
The woman grunted again, then excused herself and went up to the bar.
I gulped down a few more mouthfuls of cider and contemplated running back up to the hotel room, but the woman returned before I could make my decision.
“You're one of us,” she said gesturing toward my chest, and the labrys pendant that Kelly had given me on our 6 month anniversary and that I hadn't taken off since. Again, it was a statement, not a question.
“Um... yeah, I guess so.”
“Big party tonight if you fancy it,” she said, and handed me a flyer.
“Um... sure, maybe. I have... um... some work to do, but if I have time, I'll try to get there.”
The woman grunted again and nodded.
I finished my pint and stood up telling the woman that I should try to get my work done, then left the pub and went back up the hotel room. I had no intention of going out tonight, but showered and changed when I got in anyway. Once again, I curled up on the bed with Kelly's jacket, taking in its scent and crying at my loss.
I checked into a big faceless hotel in the city centre under the name of the woman who had run around the service station so many years ago. I paid in cash for one night only, thinking that I could easily pay again in the morning if I wanted to stay. I reluctantly gave over my car registration details so that I could park in the car park and made a note that I may have to switch plates with a car that was already in there. I wasn't entirely sure how switching plates would work, but I'd heard of it happening, so thought that it must be possible, and probably fairly simple, otherwise people would simply steal cars instead.
I tied my long hair in a knot on the top of my head, deciding that I would have to cut it shorter and style it differently in order to change my appearance. That could wait, though.
I walked out of the hotel and turned right away from the river, and into the nearest pub. It was still relatively early to be in a pub, so I got a table easily and perused the menu. I ordered vegetarian lasagne and a pint of generic cider and was given my drink and a large block of wood with a number on it so that they could find where to deliver the food to. I grabbed a local events listing and sat back at the table, leafing through it, though not really taking any of it in. I should have brought a book, but didn't think of it.
I half wanted to sit and eat and drink and then go back to my hotel room and mope, but something in me craved human interaction. Just to speak to someone, or to listen to their stories. I got myself so wrapped up in the idea of a stranger walking over to confide in me that when the server brought my food I invited them to sit down, then mumbled embarrassedly that I was waiting for someone and thought that it was them.
The food was the same standard fare as you got everywhere these days. The token veggie option in a meat-eater's world. That's not true. Most places were pretty good about it these days, but not this place. There was jacket potato with cheese and/or beans and veggie lasagne, which was made of cardboard. I ate it anyway, thirstily gulping at my cider between mouthfuls and wandered to the bar to get another pint halfway through my meal. When I returned a woman was hovering next to my table.
“You sitting here?”
“Um... yeah, but there's space if you want to join me.”
She looked around, clearly thinking about whether she should or not, though I couldn't figure out why.
“Yeah, ok, I guess,” she said, and sat down.
She was probably about 35 with a thick Welsh valley accent. Her hair was cut short and her skin looked prematurely aged by weather or drink, I couldn't tell which.
“You're not from round here,” she said. It was a statement not a question.
“No, I'm from London.”
She grunted slightly, “Don't like it there myself. Too many people. Cardiff's quite busy enough for the likes of me.”
I nodded in agreement, “It's just kind of where I ended up,” I didn't mention Kelly, nor that I had only moved to London a year or so earlier to be with her.
The woman grunted again, then excused herself and went up to the bar.
I gulped down a few more mouthfuls of cider and contemplated running back up to the hotel room, but the woman returned before I could make my decision.
“You're one of us,” she said gesturing toward my chest, and the labrys pendant that Kelly had given me on our 6 month anniversary and that I hadn't taken off since. Again, it was a statement, not a question.
“Um... yeah, I guess so.”
“Big party tonight if you fancy it,” she said, and handed me a flyer.
“Um... sure, maybe. I have... um... some work to do, but if I have time, I'll try to get there.”
The woman grunted again and nodded.
I finished my pint and stood up telling the woman that I should try to get my work done, then left the pub and went back up the hotel room. I had no intention of going out tonight, but showered and changed when I got in anyway. Once again, I curled up on the bed with Kelly's jacket, taking in its scent and crying at my loss.
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Installment number 2
I awoke early, before the sun had risen. Good, I thought. I dragged the suitcase down to the car and threw it in the boot. I ran back upstairs when I realised I had forgotten my laptop and ran into my neighbour.
“Hi Fiona. Going on a trip?” he asked.
“No!” I responded, “Why would you think that?”
“Um... the suitcase and the early hour. Sorry – just thought you were going somewhere. Didn't mean anything by it.”
“Sorry – yeah, I'm headed out of town. Family stuff. Just not awake yet.”
“Ok. Hope it works out for you.”
“Thanks.”
I opened the flat door and walked in, closing the door behind me. I hit my hand against my forehead and swore under my breath. Ok, ok, calm down, Fi, it's ok.
I picked up my laptop and headed back to the car. One thing was for sure – I could not go anywhere near family now. Too many people thought that I would. I mean, I guess that would have been the case anyway, but even more so now.
I set off with the thought that I'd go wherever my nose led me, then remembered that I needed money first. I decided to try a cash point and, if there was no trouble with that, I could safely go into the bank.
I pulled up near the alliance and leicester in stratford and walked to the cash point outside it. It let me withdraw £200 with no problem, so I walked in and queued up. There was only one teller working and the man in front of me was trying, in broken english, to send money to somewhere in the middle east. Eventually, he either managed this, or gave up. I couldn't tell. I walked up to the teller.
“Hello. How can I help you?”
“I'd like to withdraw £750 please.”
“Ok, do you have your card there?”
I handed over my card. The teller looked at something on their screen and frowned. She told me that she just needed to ask someone something and I started to feel my heart beat harder in my chest. I looked at the door, which had a sign next to it telling me that it had an automatic locking system in case of hold ups. I felt my breathing grow fast and shallow and the teller returned.
“Do you have any photo ID on you?”
I handed over my driving license, still eyeing the door, wondering how breakable the glass was. Perhaps if I threw myself at the window rather than trying the door, I could break right through and make it to my car before the police arrived.
“That's fine. It's just that there's been some suspicious activity on your account.”
“Sus- suspicious?”
“Yes, you've withdrawn a lot of cash in the last couple of days.”
“Guitar!” I shouted before I knew why, “I- I'm buying a guitar and I needed cash. Then realised it would be easier to come in.”
I knew my eyes were wide open and my speech was weird sounding at best but the teller just laughed.
“That's fine. We just like to check.”
She asked me to enter my pin code, gave me a form to sign, then handed me a stack of £20 notes with one £10 on top. I took deliberate steps toward my car, determined not to run but desperate to get as far away from there as I could.
Once I got in the car, I decided to head west. Going from Bethnal Green to Stratford implied I was headed east, so west made most sense. I drove round the north part of the city, avoiding the congestion charging zone not, as was usually the case, because of the cost, but because I didn't want my registration number, or more accurately, Kelly's registration number, coming up on any database where it didn't belong.
That was another worry in my mind. I was in Kelly's car. I didn't really know what I could do to switch cars. I guess I could steal one, but I wouldn't have a clue how to start with that, so that was probably out. Trading it in left a paper trail. I decided that, as soon as possible, I would try to steal some number plates and switch them over. Hopefully, I'd get them from someone who was as unaware as I was and didn't know their registration number, so wouldn't think too much about it if it were different.
I passed through King's Cross, annoyed by the slowness of the traffic despite the fact I had nowhere to be and no timetable on which to get there. I decided I'd head towards Oxford, for no reason other than the fact that I'd been there a couple of times and it was pretty. Well, and it was west.
I put into my GPS that I wanted to head to St Giles in Oxford. The reassuring, yet irritatingly chipper, voice on my GPS informed me that I wanted to go forward for 2 miles, then go straight on.
I hit the motorway a little over an hour later. It was strangely liberating being able to drive fast now. It was as if the more distance I could put between myself and Mile End hospital, the less the problem really existed. Like, if I could get far enough away before the sun set, she wouldn't be dead anymore. I knew this was ridiculous, but everything I felt was ridiculous. I didn't even know why I was running. I couldn't stay on the run for my whole life and running would just make it all look worse. I simply couldn't explain why I was running. I just knew I had to do it.
I arrived on the outskirts of Oxford at around 11:30am so reset the co-ordinates on the GPS to take me to the centre of Cardiff and carried on driving. By about 2pm, I realised I hadn't eaten at all since I left the hospital, so I pulled in at a motorway service station.
I've always liked motorway service stations. This, I am aware, is unusual to the point of odd, but I make no apology for it. I like the anonymity. I like the subtle differences that make them unique and the mass produced feel that makes them all the same too. I once heard that the quality of a service station could be judged entirely on its men's toilets and its egg and cress sandwich. I wasn't about to test out the former, but I picked up an egg and cress sandwich as I always did when I went to motorway service stations. It was almost like part of a ritual I performed. I would eat my sandwich and drink my hugely over-priced drink or, if it were a better planned trip, the drink I'd snuck in in my pocket, and I would stare out the window watching the cars pass on the motorway.
I once went to a service station with a friend who convinced me to take my egg and cress sandwich and my over-priced drink outside into the sunshine. It felt altogether wrong, but she was pretty and I was smitten. She ran around the outside area while I ate my sandwich and drank my drink and I watched her and smiled. Later, we went on with our journey and it ended outside her flat with her telling me that she'd never meant to lead me on and that she just didn't think of me that way. It was an all too familiar ending to an evening, but the trip was fun while it lasted. I don't even recall where we went that day.
So, I sat and I stared at the cars passing on the motorway and my thoughts turned to Kelly. To that day when I expected her to tell me that she'd never meant to lead me on and that she just didn't think of me that way, but instead had taken my hand and led me to her bedroom and slowly undressed me, kissing the newly exposed skin as she did and we had made love and I had awoken expecting her to be apalled at what she had done, but instead she was watching me as I woke, smiling.
And now she was lying on a slab in a cold morgue with no comfort and no-one to smile at her as she slept, and I had done that. Me.
I got back in the car and headed on my way.
“Hi Fiona. Going on a trip?” he asked.
“No!” I responded, “Why would you think that?”
“Um... the suitcase and the early hour. Sorry – just thought you were going somewhere. Didn't mean anything by it.”
“Sorry – yeah, I'm headed out of town. Family stuff. Just not awake yet.”
“Ok. Hope it works out for you.”
“Thanks.”
I opened the flat door and walked in, closing the door behind me. I hit my hand against my forehead and swore under my breath. Ok, ok, calm down, Fi, it's ok.
I picked up my laptop and headed back to the car. One thing was for sure – I could not go anywhere near family now. Too many people thought that I would. I mean, I guess that would have been the case anyway, but even more so now.
I set off with the thought that I'd go wherever my nose led me, then remembered that I needed money first. I decided to try a cash point and, if there was no trouble with that, I could safely go into the bank.
I pulled up near the alliance and leicester in stratford and walked to the cash point outside it. It let me withdraw £200 with no problem, so I walked in and queued up. There was only one teller working and the man in front of me was trying, in broken english, to send money to somewhere in the middle east. Eventually, he either managed this, or gave up. I couldn't tell. I walked up to the teller.
“Hello. How can I help you?”
“I'd like to withdraw £750 please.”
“Ok, do you have your card there?”
I handed over my card. The teller looked at something on their screen and frowned. She told me that she just needed to ask someone something and I started to feel my heart beat harder in my chest. I looked at the door, which had a sign next to it telling me that it had an automatic locking system in case of hold ups. I felt my breathing grow fast and shallow and the teller returned.
“Do you have any photo ID on you?”
I handed over my driving license, still eyeing the door, wondering how breakable the glass was. Perhaps if I threw myself at the window rather than trying the door, I could break right through and make it to my car before the police arrived.
“That's fine. It's just that there's been some suspicious activity on your account.”
“Sus- suspicious?”
“Yes, you've withdrawn a lot of cash in the last couple of days.”
“Guitar!” I shouted before I knew why, “I- I'm buying a guitar and I needed cash. Then realised it would be easier to come in.”
I knew my eyes were wide open and my speech was weird sounding at best but the teller just laughed.
“That's fine. We just like to check.”
She asked me to enter my pin code, gave me a form to sign, then handed me a stack of £20 notes with one £10 on top. I took deliberate steps toward my car, determined not to run but desperate to get as far away from there as I could.
Once I got in the car, I decided to head west. Going from Bethnal Green to Stratford implied I was headed east, so west made most sense. I drove round the north part of the city, avoiding the congestion charging zone not, as was usually the case, because of the cost, but because I didn't want my registration number, or more accurately, Kelly's registration number, coming up on any database where it didn't belong.
That was another worry in my mind. I was in Kelly's car. I didn't really know what I could do to switch cars. I guess I could steal one, but I wouldn't have a clue how to start with that, so that was probably out. Trading it in left a paper trail. I decided that, as soon as possible, I would try to steal some number plates and switch them over. Hopefully, I'd get them from someone who was as unaware as I was and didn't know their registration number, so wouldn't think too much about it if it were different.
I passed through King's Cross, annoyed by the slowness of the traffic despite the fact I had nowhere to be and no timetable on which to get there. I decided I'd head towards Oxford, for no reason other than the fact that I'd been there a couple of times and it was pretty. Well, and it was west.
I put into my GPS that I wanted to head to St Giles in Oxford. The reassuring, yet irritatingly chipper, voice on my GPS informed me that I wanted to go forward for 2 miles, then go straight on.
I hit the motorway a little over an hour later. It was strangely liberating being able to drive fast now. It was as if the more distance I could put between myself and Mile End hospital, the less the problem really existed. Like, if I could get far enough away before the sun set, she wouldn't be dead anymore. I knew this was ridiculous, but everything I felt was ridiculous. I didn't even know why I was running. I couldn't stay on the run for my whole life and running would just make it all look worse. I simply couldn't explain why I was running. I just knew I had to do it.
I arrived on the outskirts of Oxford at around 11:30am so reset the co-ordinates on the GPS to take me to the centre of Cardiff and carried on driving. By about 2pm, I realised I hadn't eaten at all since I left the hospital, so I pulled in at a motorway service station.
I've always liked motorway service stations. This, I am aware, is unusual to the point of odd, but I make no apology for it. I like the anonymity. I like the subtle differences that make them unique and the mass produced feel that makes them all the same too. I once heard that the quality of a service station could be judged entirely on its men's toilets and its egg and cress sandwich. I wasn't about to test out the former, but I picked up an egg and cress sandwich as I always did when I went to motorway service stations. It was almost like part of a ritual I performed. I would eat my sandwich and drink my hugely over-priced drink or, if it were a better planned trip, the drink I'd snuck in in my pocket, and I would stare out the window watching the cars pass on the motorway.
I once went to a service station with a friend who convinced me to take my egg and cress sandwich and my over-priced drink outside into the sunshine. It felt altogether wrong, but she was pretty and I was smitten. She ran around the outside area while I ate my sandwich and drank my drink and I watched her and smiled. Later, we went on with our journey and it ended outside her flat with her telling me that she'd never meant to lead me on and that she just didn't think of me that way. It was an all too familiar ending to an evening, but the trip was fun while it lasted. I don't even recall where we went that day.
So, I sat and I stared at the cars passing on the motorway and my thoughts turned to Kelly. To that day when I expected her to tell me that she'd never meant to lead me on and that she just didn't think of me that way, but instead had taken my hand and led me to her bedroom and slowly undressed me, kissing the newly exposed skin as she did and we had made love and I had awoken expecting her to be apalled at what she had done, but instead she was watching me as I woke, smiling.
And now she was lying on a slab in a cold morgue with no comfort and no-one to smile at her as she slept, and I had done that. Me.
I got back in the car and headed on my way.
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Installment number 1
“Dead.”
“Shit.”
“Shall I tell the girlfriend?”
“No. I should do it. Not fair to switch up on the girl now.”
“Yeah. Thanks, man.”
“No worries.”
As the policeman started over to where I had been sitting, I legged it out of the hospital. I imagined their confusion when I was gone and subsequent manhunt once they realised what had happened. Quickly calculating stuff in my mind on my way home, I reckoned I had a couple of days before they realised it was poison. I could be well gone by then, but where?
America had its appeal - easy to get lost in a country of a billion people – but if I moved overland there'd be less of a paper trail. Surely someone could get lost in the UK without too much trouble. I pulled over at a cash machine and withdrew my daily limit on all my cards. I could either do the same tomorrow or risk actually going into the bank. If I went in, it'd be harder to run if they were already on to me. If I didn't, I couldn't withdraw as much and would have much less cash. Either way, I had to leave London tomorrow and not use my cards to withdraw money again.
I drove home on autopilot, cursing the traffic, but more out of habit than out of actual frustration. I pulled up outside our flat and took the steps two at a time up to the front door. I almost called out as I opened the door, then remembered that Kelly wasn't there because I had accidentally murdered her. I forced myself not to think about that yet.
I grabbed a suitcase from the cupboard and filled it with clothes and other paraphernalia. I shoved my laptop in there, then grabbed it back out again. I logged onto my work email and fired off an email to my boss:
“Hi Neil
Really sorry about the short notice, but there's been a family emergency and I have to head out of town for a couple of days. I'll update you when I know more.
Regards
Fi”
That would keep work from worrying for a day or two, and by then they'd no doubt have been contacted by the police anyway. I wonder how they'd react. Maybe they'd not be surprised. Perhaps I generally act like exactly the kind of person who kills their girlfriend. I don't think I do, though. I'm sure they'll be surprised. Surely?
I sent another email to my sister, and to my best friend, pretty much saying that I needed some head space and was headed out of town for a day or two. I didn't mention Kelly. I figured if they knew she was dead, they would think that was why and if they didn't, they'd assume we'd had a fight. It was easier not to second guess them. Keep it simple. That's what they always say in the spy movies and the gangster movies. Keep it simple. Easy to remember and easy to explain. In many cases this means that it should be as close to the truth as possible, but in my case, I think leaving it to their imaginations was best.
Ok, anything else? I didn't have any doctor or dentist appointments to cancel, nor any social engagements. I looked at my mobile phone, saw that I'd had no messages while I was in the hospital, then went through methodically deleting every message and number from it. After that, I removed the sim card and attempted to snap it in half. When I could not do so, I used a kitchen knife to bend the contacts out of shape and then threw it in the bin.
I threw the mobile phone in my suitcase, thinking that I'd pick up a new sim somewhere along the way. Or maybe I should pick up several. I'd seen on “The Wire” that they traced individual mobile phone numbers and were allowed to tap them, but it was harder for them to trace if the number kept changing. I tried to decide if I were being hyper-paranoid or not and decided I didn't care.
Once all my packing was done, I lay on the bed, wrapped in Kelly's jacket and cried.
“Shit.”
“Shall I tell the girlfriend?”
“No. I should do it. Not fair to switch up on the girl now.”
“Yeah. Thanks, man.”
“No worries.”
As the policeman started over to where I had been sitting, I legged it out of the hospital. I imagined their confusion when I was gone and subsequent manhunt once they realised what had happened. Quickly calculating stuff in my mind on my way home, I reckoned I had a couple of days before they realised it was poison. I could be well gone by then, but where?
America had its appeal - easy to get lost in a country of a billion people – but if I moved overland there'd be less of a paper trail. Surely someone could get lost in the UK without too much trouble. I pulled over at a cash machine and withdrew my daily limit on all my cards. I could either do the same tomorrow or risk actually going into the bank. If I went in, it'd be harder to run if they were already on to me. If I didn't, I couldn't withdraw as much and would have much less cash. Either way, I had to leave London tomorrow and not use my cards to withdraw money again.
I drove home on autopilot, cursing the traffic, but more out of habit than out of actual frustration. I pulled up outside our flat and took the steps two at a time up to the front door. I almost called out as I opened the door, then remembered that Kelly wasn't there because I had accidentally murdered her. I forced myself not to think about that yet.
I grabbed a suitcase from the cupboard and filled it with clothes and other paraphernalia. I shoved my laptop in there, then grabbed it back out again. I logged onto my work email and fired off an email to my boss:
“Hi Neil
Really sorry about the short notice, but there's been a family emergency and I have to head out of town for a couple of days. I'll update you when I know more.
Regards
Fi”
That would keep work from worrying for a day or two, and by then they'd no doubt have been contacted by the police anyway. I wonder how they'd react. Maybe they'd not be surprised. Perhaps I generally act like exactly the kind of person who kills their girlfriend. I don't think I do, though. I'm sure they'll be surprised. Surely?
I sent another email to my sister, and to my best friend, pretty much saying that I needed some head space and was headed out of town for a day or two. I didn't mention Kelly. I figured if they knew she was dead, they would think that was why and if they didn't, they'd assume we'd had a fight. It was easier not to second guess them. Keep it simple. That's what they always say in the spy movies and the gangster movies. Keep it simple. Easy to remember and easy to explain. In many cases this means that it should be as close to the truth as possible, but in my case, I think leaving it to their imaginations was best.
Ok, anything else? I didn't have any doctor or dentist appointments to cancel, nor any social engagements. I looked at my mobile phone, saw that I'd had no messages while I was in the hospital, then went through methodically deleting every message and number from it. After that, I removed the sim card and attempted to snap it in half. When I could not do so, I used a kitchen knife to bend the contacts out of shape and then threw it in the bin.
I threw the mobile phone in my suitcase, thinking that I'd pick up a new sim somewhere along the way. Or maybe I should pick up several. I'd seen on “The Wire” that they traced individual mobile phone numbers and were allowed to tap them, but it was harder for them to trace if the number kept changing. I tried to decide if I were being hyper-paranoid or not and decided I didn't care.
Once all my packing was done, I lay on the bed, wrapped in Kelly's jacket and cried.
Helen's First Draft Novel
Hello
I decided to post the first draft of the novel I'm writing here in readable chunks. Please note that it has not been edited nor proof-read and pretty much what you see is what you get.
I'm planning to post new installments on Wednesdays and Sundays, with some extra ones on Fridays until it's caught up to where I've written.
It's my intention to write around 500 words a day in order to keep the story flowing in my head, so updates will be around 1000 words each, or to a place where it makes sense to break up the story.
I decided to post the first draft of the novel I'm writing here in readable chunks. Please note that it has not been edited nor proof-read and pretty much what you see is what you get.
I'm planning to post new installments on Wednesdays and Sundays, with some extra ones on Fridays until it's caught up to where I've written.
It's my intention to write around 500 words a day in order to keep the story flowing in my head, so updates will be around 1000 words each, or to a place where it makes sense to break up the story.
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