I awoke a few hours later to knocking at the door. I put the pillow over my head and tried to ignore it, but it persisted. After a few minutes of it, I threw some clothes on and went to the door. I opened it a crack and saw Tim standing there.
I sighed, "Hi Tim."
"Morning. How are you?"
"Tired. What do you want?"
"We should go."
"It's early, Tim."
He looked at his watch, "It's 10:30."
"I don't care. I'm tired, and I already got woken twice in the night."
"Okay, well, I'll be on the front desk. Come find me when you're ready."
"Okay, Tim. See you later."
I climbed back into bed, half expecting Janet to show up next, but she didn't. I didn't get back to sleep. After 15 minutes of trying, I got up and dressed. I put on the kettle and made myself a coffee. I wasn't keen on instant, but I needed the caffeine hit. I blew over the top of the cup to try to cool it down and still burned my lip when I drunk it.
***
I stepped out of the room and headed towards reception. I let out a gasp when I felt a hand around my wrist and was pulled into Elena's room.
"What the hell?"
"You said you'd come and see me. I was waiting for you. I have something to show you."
"What?"
She grabbed a handful of newspapers and opened one on the page that Errol and Tim showed me.
"I've seen this. Errol and Tim showed me it."
"I know," she closed the newspaper. The front page read, "Women's Institute Raffle raises over £500."
I shrugged.
"Look at it. Why would Kelly post an ad in this paper? In the Ogmore-by-Sea Gazette. She doesn't know where you are. I mean, even if she were alive, she wouldn't."
Elena laid out a few other newspapers: the Evening Standard, East London Life, even a tiny article in the Guardian, all saying the same thing. "East London woman poisons lover, then goes on the run." I looked through them in disbelief.
"But... they said..."
"They lied."
My vision started to blur a little as my eyes welled up.
"Fi, I'm sorry. I really am, but Kelly is dead. I don't know why they did this."
I sat down on her bed, put my head in my hands and wept loudly. I hadn't felt this bad since I left London. Elena sat next to me and put an arm around me. I shrugged it off and turned away from her. I knew Kelly was dead. Until yesterday, I knew for sure. Even when they'd shown me advert, I knew it couldn't be true. And I knew I'd killed her, and I knew I'd gone on the run, but seeing it in black and white like that hurt so much.
"You've been thinking about her, haven't you?"
"Yes. I've been dreaming about her. It had all been nice dreams before, but last night she tried to kill me."
"Oh Fiona, that's horrible. You poor thing."
"I guess that's my conscience talking."
"Probably."
"I guess I should go back and face the music."
"I think that would be best."
"I'm scared, Elena."
"Of course you are. Anyone would be, but I think if you go back and tell them what happened, it'll be ok. You didn't mean to kill her."
"No, I didn't, but I can't see why they'd believe me."
"Why wouldn't they?"
"I put poison in the food, Elena. I picked up the wrong bottle and I put poison in the food. I didn't eat it, because I wasn't hungry. What kind of lame excuse is that?"
"It's the truth, Fiona, and the longer you stay away, the more it looks like a lie. I'll take you back. I can help you through this."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why would you help me through this? What's in it for you?"
"Fi, I'm like your conscience. Janet will help you hide and keep you away from the police, but that will wear you down eventually. You're a good person, Fi, and you need to face up to what you've done, or it will hurt you forever."
"She's dead. That will hurt me forever."
"But you're always going to looking over your shoulder, wondering when you'll be found out. Imagine in 10 years time, Fi. You've moved on; you've met someone else; you still feel bad about what you did, but your life has moved on. Then the police find you and ruin your life for a second time. Think about it."
"I... I know, but... but it's hard."
"Yeah, I know, hon. I'll help you. I'll come with you."
I thought for a little while. Ogmore-by-Sea, which had been so idyllic and wonderful when I first arrived here, was getting complicated and wasn't really where I wanted to be anymore, "Okay," I said, "but I need to do something first."
"Sure, no probs."
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Apologies for flakiness
Apologies to anyone who's been reading and is wondering why the posts have stopped. I know there's not many of you. I've got exams coming up so am being a bit flakey.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Installment number 12
I woke to the sound of light knocking on the door. I quickly pulled on my jeans and a t-shirt and opened the door slightly. Tim was standing there. I went to say something, and he put his finger to his lips to stop me. I opened the door further and let him in. He walked in and checked around the room, as if searching for bugs or something. When he was satisfied that we couldn't be heard, he let out a sigh of relief.
"Where's Janet?"
"I don't know. Gone. She usually goes out all day."
"Good. I need you to come with me."
"What? Why?"
"I can't explain here. I need you to trust me."
"Why would I trust you?"
"It's in your best interest."
"That's not the most convincing argument I've ever heard."
"It's not, is it? Errol and I have found something out, and we need to show you, but we can't bring it here. We think that you're being lied to and it's so much easier to show you than to tell you," he paused, as if waiting for me to take the lead, "Please?"
Nothing I'd done since this whole thing had started made any sense, so I said, "Okay, then, let's go," and followed him to his car.
We drove to the other side of town. The stereo was playing a mix tape of mid-90s rock music and I was reminded of my time at university, dancing wildly until the early hours of the morning. Despite the tension in the car, it was hard not to sing along quietly and nod my head in time. Tim saw me doing this and smiled. After about 20 minutes, we pulled into a driveway and got out the car. Errol opened the front door and ushered us in. I was led into the living room.
"I found it in the paper. They don't think we see things like this down here, but I do. I see the whole lot. Get 'em delivered, you see. Kind of a hobby, I guess," he opened a newspaper triumphantly to a half page ad with a large picture of my face taking up a quarter of the page.
"Right," I sighed, "So, now you know. I'm wanted for murder. I ran because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't mean to kill her. Are you going to turn me in?"
They both stared at me incredulously, "Read it, woman."
I did so.
"Fiona Barnes has been missing for 3 weeks. Before leaving her home in London, she sent notes to friends and colleagues telling them that she was going to visit family. Her family were unaware of any such visit and have not seen nor heard from her. If you see Fiona, please could you make sure that she sees this advert or contact Kelly Wheatley on 020-7945-6521.
"Fi, if you see this, please come home. We miss you and love you. Whatever happened, we can work through it together. I know sometimes things get too much, but it's always better with friends and family around you."
"But..." I didn't understand what I was being shown, "but she's dead. I poisoned her."
"She doesn't seem to think so," Tim said, grinning at me.
"I don't understand. I heard the doctors saying she was dead. I heard them."
"What did they tell you?"
"Nothing - I ran," my mind was racing. I could feel my pulse, beating hard in my temples, "It's a trap. Surely, it's a trap."
"Shall we call?"
"No! They'll know where I am."
"It's ok, though, Fi. You didn't kill her. You didn't do anything."
I pondered it for a moment, then nodded, "Ok, let's give it a go, but only a really short call, so they can't trace it."
Tim took his mobile out of his pocket and dialled the number, handing it to me.
"Hi, this is Kelly and Fi. Leave a message after the tone."
I hung up the phone, "Answering machine."
Tim frowned, "That sucks."
"Yeah," I looked at the clock, "Shit! I should get back."
Tim nodded, "Come on, then. Let's go. Maybe we could try again tomorrow?"
"Yeah, maybe," I still wasn't convinced that I wanted to.
***
Janet and I had dinner as always and didn't speak about what had happened that morning, nor did I mention my trip to Errol's house. It was as if we had just re-wound life by 24 hours and none of it had happened, except that I didn't drink the wine and, when I went to bed, Janet went to a different room.
And yet I dreamt of Kelly anyway. I dreamt of arriving back in London and of her welcoming me back in, asking where I'd been and laughing at all the silly things I'd thought and done. Then, I dreamt that she asked why I'd run in the first place and I told her, waiting for her to laugh, but she didn't. Instead, she opened her shirt and showed me the burns on her stomach that, she said, had been caused by the poison I'd given her.
"Can you imagine the pain?" she'd asked, "My insides burnt so badly that you can see it on my skin. Can you imagine the pain?"
Then she touched me and I felt an agonising jolt go through me.
"I had to put up with that for hours upon hours while they pumped the poison out of me. Hours, Fi! It was almost too much to bare. I nearly let go so many times, but then I thought of you, and I came back - and now you tell me that you did this to me?"
And she touched me again, her hands sliding around my neck and I felt all the air leave my lungs and I was left gasping for breath, reaching out to try to move her fingers from my throat. She laughed as she watched me struggle and her hands squeezed tighter.
I woke up suddenly and realised that it was just my blankets that had wrapped themselves around my neck, and not even that tightly, but my imagination had taken over. My breathing was shallow and rapid. I looked around; it was getting light. I grabbed the clock from beside my bed. It was only 5:30am. I felt like I should go back to sleep, but I wasn't sure I could. I was afraid of what I might dream and that I might not wake up. I got up and went to take a shower. The water flowing over my face made me feel better. I stepped out, wrapped my hair in a towel, and put another towel around my body and wandered back into the bedroom. I put the towel down on the bed, and lay on it, the pulled the covers over me.
"Hello, Fiona."
"Shit!" I pulled the covers further up, "Who's there?"
"It's Elena."
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
"I needed to talk to you."
"And so you decided to come in here while I was in the shower."
"I thought you'd be asleep."
"Is that better?"
She thought for a little while, "I'm sorry."
"What do you want?"
"I just needed to talk to you. Where's Janet?"
"I don't know. She's got a different room now."
"Right. Good. I'm worried about you."
"Why are you worried about me? Who the hell are you anyway?"
"Who do you think I am?"
"Honestly? I have no fucking clue. I thought Janet was supposed to be my guardian angel but now I don't know what to think."
"Why?"
"She... I don't want to talk about it. Elena, I'm tired. I'll come and talk to you later if you want. Okay?"
"Okay. Sorry to visit so early."
I watched her leave the room and laid my head on the pillow and went back to sleep.
"Where's Janet?"
"I don't know. Gone. She usually goes out all day."
"Good. I need you to come with me."
"What? Why?"
"I can't explain here. I need you to trust me."
"Why would I trust you?"
"It's in your best interest."
"That's not the most convincing argument I've ever heard."
"It's not, is it? Errol and I have found something out, and we need to show you, but we can't bring it here. We think that you're being lied to and it's so much easier to show you than to tell you," he paused, as if waiting for me to take the lead, "Please?"
Nothing I'd done since this whole thing had started made any sense, so I said, "Okay, then, let's go," and followed him to his car.
We drove to the other side of town. The stereo was playing a mix tape of mid-90s rock music and I was reminded of my time at university, dancing wildly until the early hours of the morning. Despite the tension in the car, it was hard not to sing along quietly and nod my head in time. Tim saw me doing this and smiled. After about 20 minutes, we pulled into a driveway and got out the car. Errol opened the front door and ushered us in. I was led into the living room.
"I found it in the paper. They don't think we see things like this down here, but I do. I see the whole lot. Get 'em delivered, you see. Kind of a hobby, I guess," he opened a newspaper triumphantly to a half page ad with a large picture of my face taking up a quarter of the page.
"Right," I sighed, "So, now you know. I'm wanted for murder. I ran because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't mean to kill her. Are you going to turn me in?"
They both stared at me incredulously, "Read it, woman."
I did so.
"Fiona Barnes has been missing for 3 weeks. Before leaving her home in London, she sent notes to friends and colleagues telling them that she was going to visit family. Her family were unaware of any such visit and have not seen nor heard from her. If you see Fiona, please could you make sure that she sees this advert or contact Kelly Wheatley on 020-7945-6521.
"Fi, if you see this, please come home. We miss you and love you. Whatever happened, we can work through it together. I know sometimes things get too much, but it's always better with friends and family around you."
"But..." I didn't understand what I was being shown, "but she's dead. I poisoned her."
"She doesn't seem to think so," Tim said, grinning at me.
"I don't understand. I heard the doctors saying she was dead. I heard them."
"What did they tell you?"
"Nothing - I ran," my mind was racing. I could feel my pulse, beating hard in my temples, "It's a trap. Surely, it's a trap."
"Shall we call?"
"No! They'll know where I am."
"It's ok, though, Fi. You didn't kill her. You didn't do anything."
I pondered it for a moment, then nodded, "Ok, let's give it a go, but only a really short call, so they can't trace it."
Tim took his mobile out of his pocket and dialled the number, handing it to me.
"Hi, this is Kelly and Fi. Leave a message after the tone."
I hung up the phone, "Answering machine."
Tim frowned, "That sucks."
"Yeah," I looked at the clock, "Shit! I should get back."
Tim nodded, "Come on, then. Let's go. Maybe we could try again tomorrow?"
"Yeah, maybe," I still wasn't convinced that I wanted to.
***
Janet and I had dinner as always and didn't speak about what had happened that morning, nor did I mention my trip to Errol's house. It was as if we had just re-wound life by 24 hours and none of it had happened, except that I didn't drink the wine and, when I went to bed, Janet went to a different room.
And yet I dreamt of Kelly anyway. I dreamt of arriving back in London and of her welcoming me back in, asking where I'd been and laughing at all the silly things I'd thought and done. Then, I dreamt that she asked why I'd run in the first place and I told her, waiting for her to laugh, but she didn't. Instead, she opened her shirt and showed me the burns on her stomach that, she said, had been caused by the poison I'd given her.
"Can you imagine the pain?" she'd asked, "My insides burnt so badly that you can see it on my skin. Can you imagine the pain?"
Then she touched me and I felt an agonising jolt go through me.
"I had to put up with that for hours upon hours while they pumped the poison out of me. Hours, Fi! It was almost too much to bare. I nearly let go so many times, but then I thought of you, and I came back - and now you tell me that you did this to me?"
And she touched me again, her hands sliding around my neck and I felt all the air leave my lungs and I was left gasping for breath, reaching out to try to move her fingers from my throat. She laughed as she watched me struggle and her hands squeezed tighter.
I woke up suddenly and realised that it was just my blankets that had wrapped themselves around my neck, and not even that tightly, but my imagination had taken over. My breathing was shallow and rapid. I looked around; it was getting light. I grabbed the clock from beside my bed. It was only 5:30am. I felt like I should go back to sleep, but I wasn't sure I could. I was afraid of what I might dream and that I might not wake up. I got up and went to take a shower. The water flowing over my face made me feel better. I stepped out, wrapped my hair in a towel, and put another towel around my body and wandered back into the bedroom. I put the towel down on the bed, and lay on it, the pulled the covers over me.
"Hello, Fiona."
"Shit!" I pulled the covers further up, "Who's there?"
"It's Elena."
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
"I needed to talk to you."
"And so you decided to come in here while I was in the shower."
"I thought you'd be asleep."
"Is that better?"
She thought for a little while, "I'm sorry."
"What do you want?"
"I just needed to talk to you. Where's Janet?"
"I don't know. She's got a different room now."
"Right. Good. I'm worried about you."
"Why are you worried about me? Who the hell are you anyway?"
"Who do you think I am?"
"Honestly? I have no fucking clue. I thought Janet was supposed to be my guardian angel but now I don't know what to think."
"Why?"
"She... I don't want to talk about it. Elena, I'm tired. I'll come and talk to you later if you want. Okay?"
"Okay. Sorry to visit so early."
I watched her leave the room and laid my head on the pillow and went back to sleep.
Thursday, 8 April 2010
Installment number 11
My dreams that night were strange, but forgettable. It was as if the whole night, I was waiting for Kelly to appear, but she didn't. And when I woke, I was mildly unconfortable because of it. It felt like she actually was dead after all.
***
I woke in the morning and wandered towards the entrance to the guesthouse, passing room 19 as I went. I walked past it slowly, almost willing Elena to come out. She didn't. I pretended I'd forgotten something and wandered slowly back to the room and out again. Still she didn't come out of her room. I knocked gingerly on the door.
"Come in," she said in a beautiful Welsh valley accent.
I tried the door; it was locked, so I opened it with the key Tim had given me.
"Hi, Fi. How are you?"
"I'm... well, I guess. Why are you here?"
"Why am I here? I'm here to talk to you, Fi."
"To talk to me about what?"
"About going back to London."
"I don't want to."
"Why not?"
I laughed, "A life sentence in Holloway doesn't appeal."
"That's not what's waiting for you."
"Janet said the police can't find me here."
"They can't. Not unless they already knew for sure you were here."
"Are you going to tell them?"
"No."
"No-one else here knows what I did. I'm safe then."
She shrugged, "Depends on your definition of safe."
"This fits my definition fine."
"Ok then."
"What were you arguing with Errol about?"
"He thought I was here to take you away. He doesn't want you to leave."
"Why do you want me to leave?"
"You belong back in London."
"Janet looks after me. She's my guardian angel."
Elena laughed, "Is that what she told you?"
"Yes. I believe her."
"It's not that simple."
"She said that too."
"So, she's your guardian angel and I'm, what? Some kind of hellbeast."
"That's not really how she put it..."
"We're both here to guide you, but people can be guided in different ways - there are different outcomes."
"One good and one bad?"
"No, not at all."
"What then?"
"You're happy here, right?"
"Yes."
"Does that never seem... hedonistic?"
"I never really thought about it."
"Well, maybe you should."
I didn't want to think about it. I was happy in Ogmore-by-Sea, "Is that why you gave me drugs?"
"You looked like you needed a good night - to let go before you dealt with all this shit. You didn't have to take it."
"It felt like I did."
"Well, then, I'm sorry about that, but I meant well. Look, Fi, I'm here for a while. If you want to talk, or if you want me to take you back to London, I'll be here."
"Screw you, Elena."
I stormed out. At dinner that night, I cried for the first time since I arrived in Ogmore-by-Sea as I regaled the story to Janet. She comforted me as we ate dinner and with a glass of wine, I began to feel better.
***
At night, I dreamt once more of Kelly beside me, gently stroking my skin, lightly kissing my neck, her hand moving over my belly and down between my legs. I turned to kiss her, my fingers running through her hair. I could feel the heat between us, our bodies pressed close, and a charge ran through me and my body spasmed and my back arched and then collapsed again as she let go. I kissed her breathlessly and clung tight to her body, finally opening my eyes, and then lurching backwards when I realised it was Janet on the bed next to me.
I nearly fell off the bed, in my attempt to get away from her.
"What the fuck?"
"What's wrong, love?"
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"You were just... You know what you were doing!" I was struggling to form sentences. I was so shocked, and still not quite awake.
"You... You seemed to want it."
"I... I... I thought you were..." my voice waivered and turned from a shout into a low whine. I sat down on the bed, "I thought you were Kelly."
"You thought I was Kelly?"
"Yes," I looked up at her, my eyes welling up.
"Babe... Kelly's... well..."
"Kelly's dead. I know she is, but she visits me at night. She talks to me sometimes, or comforts me. I thought you were her."
"She visits you at night?" she almost smirked as she said the words.
"Well... it feels that way."
"Fi, did you... did you not even realise that it was me you've been reaching out for every night?" she sounded upset.
"I... I guess I didn't. I'm sorry."
She looked away from me, "It's ok," then she started to get dressed, "I should head out soon anyway."
"Where?"
"What?
"Where do you go? You leave before I even wake up, and I never know where you are."
"You don't need to know."
She sounded angry. I guess I'd be angry too. Once she dressed, she walked out of the room and didn't say goodbye. I expected the door to slam, but it didn't. I lay on my bed wondering what to do. I thought about following her; trying to explain that I hadn't meant to hurt her, but it was too late. I didn't know where she was going and she would already be gone by now. I exhaled loudly and then hit the bed a couple of times. How could I have been so stupid? At the same time, how was I supposed to know? My subconscious wasn't something I could exactly keep under control. I could hardly help what I dreamed about any more than I could change what I'd done. I buried my head in the pillow and went back to sleep.
***
I woke in the morning and wandered towards the entrance to the guesthouse, passing room 19 as I went. I walked past it slowly, almost willing Elena to come out. She didn't. I pretended I'd forgotten something and wandered slowly back to the room and out again. Still she didn't come out of her room. I knocked gingerly on the door.
"Come in," she said in a beautiful Welsh valley accent.
I tried the door; it was locked, so I opened it with the key Tim had given me.
"Hi, Fi. How are you?"
"I'm... well, I guess. Why are you here?"
"Why am I here? I'm here to talk to you, Fi."
"To talk to me about what?"
"About going back to London."
"I don't want to."
"Why not?"
I laughed, "A life sentence in Holloway doesn't appeal."
"That's not what's waiting for you."
"Janet said the police can't find me here."
"They can't. Not unless they already knew for sure you were here."
"Are you going to tell them?"
"No."
"No-one else here knows what I did. I'm safe then."
She shrugged, "Depends on your definition of safe."
"This fits my definition fine."
"Ok then."
"What were you arguing with Errol about?"
"He thought I was here to take you away. He doesn't want you to leave."
"Why do you want me to leave?"
"You belong back in London."
"Janet looks after me. She's my guardian angel."
Elena laughed, "Is that what she told you?"
"Yes. I believe her."
"It's not that simple."
"She said that too."
"So, she's your guardian angel and I'm, what? Some kind of hellbeast."
"That's not really how she put it..."
"We're both here to guide you, but people can be guided in different ways - there are different outcomes."
"One good and one bad?"
"No, not at all."
"What then?"
"You're happy here, right?"
"Yes."
"Does that never seem... hedonistic?"
"I never really thought about it."
"Well, maybe you should."
I didn't want to think about it. I was happy in Ogmore-by-Sea, "Is that why you gave me drugs?"
"You looked like you needed a good night - to let go before you dealt with all this shit. You didn't have to take it."
"It felt like I did."
"Well, then, I'm sorry about that, but I meant well. Look, Fi, I'm here for a while. If you want to talk, or if you want me to take you back to London, I'll be here."
"Screw you, Elena."
I stormed out. At dinner that night, I cried for the first time since I arrived in Ogmore-by-Sea as I regaled the story to Janet. She comforted me as we ate dinner and with a glass of wine, I began to feel better.
***
At night, I dreamt once more of Kelly beside me, gently stroking my skin, lightly kissing my neck, her hand moving over my belly and down between my legs. I turned to kiss her, my fingers running through her hair. I could feel the heat between us, our bodies pressed close, and a charge ran through me and my body spasmed and my back arched and then collapsed again as she let go. I kissed her breathlessly and clung tight to her body, finally opening my eyes, and then lurching backwards when I realised it was Janet on the bed next to me.
I nearly fell off the bed, in my attempt to get away from her.
"What the fuck?"
"What's wrong, love?"
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"You were just... You know what you were doing!" I was struggling to form sentences. I was so shocked, and still not quite awake.
"You... You seemed to want it."
"I... I... I thought you were..." my voice waivered and turned from a shout into a low whine. I sat down on the bed, "I thought you were Kelly."
"You thought I was Kelly?"
"Yes," I looked up at her, my eyes welling up.
"Babe... Kelly's... well..."
"Kelly's dead. I know she is, but she visits me at night. She talks to me sometimes, or comforts me. I thought you were her."
"She visits you at night?" she almost smirked as she said the words.
"Well... it feels that way."
"Fi, did you... did you not even realise that it was me you've been reaching out for every night?" she sounded upset.
"I... I guess I didn't. I'm sorry."
She looked away from me, "It's ok," then she started to get dressed, "I should head out soon anyway."
"Where?"
"What?
"Where do you go? You leave before I even wake up, and I never know where you are."
"You don't need to know."
She sounded angry. I guess I'd be angry too. Once she dressed, she walked out of the room and didn't say goodbye. I expected the door to slam, but it didn't. I lay on my bed wondering what to do. I thought about following her; trying to explain that I hadn't meant to hurt her, but it was too late. I didn't know where she was going and she would already be gone by now. I exhaled loudly and then hit the bed a couple of times. How could I have been so stupid? At the same time, how was I supposed to know? My subconscious wasn't something I could exactly keep under control. I could hardly help what I dreamed about any more than I could change what I'd done. I buried my head in the pillow and went back to sleep.
Monday, 5 April 2010
Installment number 10
Weeks passed this way. Each day, I would go walking, or I would go into the pub and talk to the man, Errol. I never had anything new to tell him, but we passed the time in pleasant enough conversation. I never found out, nor felt the need to ask, where Janet went during the day. One day, I wandered into the shop and looked at all the old toys. The woman behind the counter eyed me suspiciously, but I decided I didn't care. I wasn't going to steal anything, and if she wanted to watch me, let her do so.
In among the old teddy bears and the notebooks with pictures of beefeaters on the front and the Welsh lovespoons, I found a pendant that caught my eye. I picked it up and watched as the stone seemed to change colour as it span round, from black to purple, to green, to blue, and I wanted it. More than any material thing I had ever encountered, I wanted it.
"How much is this?" I asked.
"The pendant? It's not for sale."
"Not for sale?" my heart sank.
"It's special."
"I can see that. That's why I wanted to buy it."
"It's not for everyone."
"Who is it for?"
"Only special people."
"Special how?" I was getting more and more frustrated with what I saw as her deliberately taunting me. I couldn't say why, but I really wanted the pendant.
"Just special."
I considered stealing it. I'd never stolen anything in my life. In fact, up until the accidental murder thing, I'd been a thoroughly model citizen, but that was how badly I wanted it. I decided to try bartering, "How much money would it take to make me special?"
She laughed, "You're offering *me* money for that pendant? Goodness, woman, you really don't understand at all, do you?"
"No," I was so frustrated, I thought I was going to cry, "I don't understand at all."
She leaned close and whispered, "It's not for the likes of me to say who can wear the pendant. I'm mortal. I just work here."
"Mortal? What? What else would you be?"
"Well," she said, clearly taken aback by the question, "One of them. Y'know, THEM."
I didn't know, and I just wanted to get away from the woman, but I also wanted the pendant.
"Is there no way that I can buy the pendant?"
"No, love. It's not for sale."
I sighed and wandered back onto the street. There appeared to be a bit of a commotion outside the pub. I was too far away to see exactly what was going on, but more people that I had ever seen in Ogmore-by-Sea were gathered around. I moved closer to see if I could find out what was going on. Errol appeared to be in some kind of argument with someone. As I moved closer, I realised it was Elena. I didn't stick around to find out what the argument was about. I really didn't want Elena here to spoil my paradise. I ran back to the guesthouse and to the counter, where Tim was idly strumming on an old acoustic guitar.
“Tim! Where's Janet?”
“Huh?” he put the guitar down and stood up. I don't think I'd seen him stand before. He towered over me and suddenly seemed slightly intimidating.
“Um... Janet... Do you know where she is?”
He shrugged, “She went out.”
“I need to find her. Can you help me?”
He laughed slightly, “Not me, hon, no. I can't help you.”
“But... Elena's here.”
“I know.”
“You know?!”
“Yeah, room 19,” and he handed me a key.
I grabbed the key and ran back to my room and curled up on the bed, hoping that he wouldn't be so quick to hand out my room key, but the longer I held the key, the more I wanted to use it. The key was taunting me; daring me to go there; to confront her; to tell her to get out.
I walked quickly through the maze of corridors which, by now, I knew all too well. I arrived at room 19 and rapped loudly on the door. There was no response, and I realised that she must still be outside the pub, arguing with Errol. I slid the key into the lock and gently opened the room. I'm not sure what I expected, but it must have been spectacular, because I was disappointed when the room looked much the same as my own.
I looked around it for a short while, imagining I was in one of the many spy shows I had seen on TV, then realising that I couldn't really tell much from a room, because I had no spy training. Then I wandered back to my own room and curled up on the bed again.
***
I started when I heard the door handle move.
"Hello?" I said, noticing my voice waivering.
"Hey, babe," Janet responded cheerily.
"Oh, thank god it's you."
"Who else would it be?"
"I saw Elena earlier."
"Oh..."
"You don't sound surprised."
"I'm not really."
"She's come for me, hasn't she? Because of what I did?"
"I don't know, Fi. I really don't know."
"She's staying here."
"It's the only place in town, Fi. Where else would she stay?"
I didn't tell Janet about the room key. It just didn't occur to me to do so. We went for dinner as we did every other night, but she seemed a little uneasy; looking around, presumably for Elena, despite her apparent nonchalance. After a glass of wine, I stopped caring and the evening went on as pleasant as ever.
In among the old teddy bears and the notebooks with pictures of beefeaters on the front and the Welsh lovespoons, I found a pendant that caught my eye. I picked it up and watched as the stone seemed to change colour as it span round, from black to purple, to green, to blue, and I wanted it. More than any material thing I had ever encountered, I wanted it.
"How much is this?" I asked.
"The pendant? It's not for sale."
"Not for sale?" my heart sank.
"It's special."
"I can see that. That's why I wanted to buy it."
"It's not for everyone."
"Who is it for?"
"Only special people."
"Special how?" I was getting more and more frustrated with what I saw as her deliberately taunting me. I couldn't say why, but I really wanted the pendant.
"Just special."
I considered stealing it. I'd never stolen anything in my life. In fact, up until the accidental murder thing, I'd been a thoroughly model citizen, but that was how badly I wanted it. I decided to try bartering, "How much money would it take to make me special?"
She laughed, "You're offering *me* money for that pendant? Goodness, woman, you really don't understand at all, do you?"
"No," I was so frustrated, I thought I was going to cry, "I don't understand at all."
She leaned close and whispered, "It's not for the likes of me to say who can wear the pendant. I'm mortal. I just work here."
"Mortal? What? What else would you be?"
"Well," she said, clearly taken aback by the question, "One of them. Y'know, THEM."
I didn't know, and I just wanted to get away from the woman, but I also wanted the pendant.
"Is there no way that I can buy the pendant?"
"No, love. It's not for sale."
I sighed and wandered back onto the street. There appeared to be a bit of a commotion outside the pub. I was too far away to see exactly what was going on, but more people that I had ever seen in Ogmore-by-Sea were gathered around. I moved closer to see if I could find out what was going on. Errol appeared to be in some kind of argument with someone. As I moved closer, I realised it was Elena. I didn't stick around to find out what the argument was about. I really didn't want Elena here to spoil my paradise. I ran back to the guesthouse and to the counter, where Tim was idly strumming on an old acoustic guitar.
“Tim! Where's Janet?”
“Huh?” he put the guitar down and stood up. I don't think I'd seen him stand before. He towered over me and suddenly seemed slightly intimidating.
“Um... Janet... Do you know where she is?”
He shrugged, “She went out.”
“I need to find her. Can you help me?”
He laughed slightly, “Not me, hon, no. I can't help you.”
“But... Elena's here.”
“I know.”
“You know?!”
“Yeah, room 19,” and he handed me a key.
I grabbed the key and ran back to my room and curled up on the bed, hoping that he wouldn't be so quick to hand out my room key, but the longer I held the key, the more I wanted to use it. The key was taunting me; daring me to go there; to confront her; to tell her to get out.
I walked quickly through the maze of corridors which, by now, I knew all too well. I arrived at room 19 and rapped loudly on the door. There was no response, and I realised that she must still be outside the pub, arguing with Errol. I slid the key into the lock and gently opened the room. I'm not sure what I expected, but it must have been spectacular, because I was disappointed when the room looked much the same as my own.
I looked around it for a short while, imagining I was in one of the many spy shows I had seen on TV, then realising that I couldn't really tell much from a room, because I had no spy training. Then I wandered back to my own room and curled up on the bed again.
***
I started when I heard the door handle move.
"Hello?" I said, noticing my voice waivering.
"Hey, babe," Janet responded cheerily.
"Oh, thank god it's you."
"Who else would it be?"
"I saw Elena earlier."
"Oh..."
"You don't sound surprised."
"I'm not really."
"She's come for me, hasn't she? Because of what I did?"
"I don't know, Fi. I really don't know."
"She's staying here."
"It's the only place in town, Fi. Where else would she stay?"
I didn't tell Janet about the room key. It just didn't occur to me to do so. We went for dinner as we did every other night, but she seemed a little uneasy; looking around, presumably for Elena, despite her apparent nonchalance. After a glass of wine, I stopped caring and the evening went on as pleasant as ever.
Friday, 2 April 2010
Installment number 9
In the morning, Janet wasn't anywhere to be seen, so I got up, showered and dressed and wandered out looking for her. The man on reception, Tim, told me that she'd gone out for the day. I hadn't yet decided whether I liked my so-called guardian angel or not, but I didn't like being alone. Tim didn't really have time to talk to me. I wandered into the village. There wasn't much there: a small cafe, a pub, a shop that seemed more like a museum with its old trinkets and gadgets. The cafe seemed too open and public. I kind of wanted to hide away, so I entered the pub and ordered a cider. I had checked the clock and it was afternoon, so I decided that was ok, seeing as I was clearly on holiday. It came in a big old fashioned pint glass with a handle on the side and was a kind of greeny-yellow colour and cloudy. I sat at the bar sipping it. After about 15 minutes of sitting contemplating the decor, a man walked in and sat beside me.
"Evening," he said.
"Um... good afternoon."
"Yeah, whatever. You're new," he spoke in a very similar fashion to the woman who I'd met in the pub in Cardiff; it wasn't a question, but a statement.
"Yeah, I'm staying at the guesthouse down the road."
"Ah, Janet's new bit of stuff."
"Um... not really. I'm here with Janet, but not... not like..."
"I know how it is. Don't worry. We know all about Janet here. She's a regular part of the scenery here."
"It's not like that at all. I'm not involved with her."
"I don't care either way, love. Want another?"
I shrugged, "Sure, why not?"
He signalled to the barman, who brought another pint of cider and one of bitter over. We sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping at our drinks, gazing into the distance.
"When's Elena coming?"
"What?"
"Elena. She usually comes here when Janet brings someone here."
"But, then why did Janet bring me here?"
The man shrugged, "How would I know what goes on in that guesthouse?"
"You seem to know a lot more than I do."
"Janet brings someone here. They stay a few days, usually hardly leave the guesthouse, and then Elena comes and they all leave again. It's about the biggest drama Ogmore-by-Sea has, so we all know that much, but what goes on in that guesthouse - that, I'd like to know."
I shrugged, "Nothing so far. I slept."
"Well, you feel free to come back and tell me when you know. I could get many a free drink if I had that tale to tell."
"I'm really not sure there's anything to tell. I needed to get away. Janet brought me here."
The man grunted and both finished our pints in silence.
"I'm going to head back to the guesthouse, I think."
"Ok," he said, "You be sure to come back and talk to me another day."
"Um... yeah, sure, I'll try."
"Goodbye, now."
"Goodbye."
I took a long route back to the guesthouse. The cider had gone to my head and the cool sea breeze helped to refresh me. The scenery was beautiful. There were a few large white stones that had been imbedded into the earth and here, unlike any other place I had seen, they had managed to remain free of grafitti. They stuck up about a foot above the ground and I sat down on one of them looking out at the waves breaking. I completely lost track of time and by the time I returned to the guesthouse, it was nearly 7.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"I went for a walk. You weren't here. I was bored."
"Christ! I was worried about you."
"Why? I thought no-one could find me here."
"Well, that may not be entirely true, or not the whole story, anyway."
"So, what is?"
"It's complicated."
"Everything's complicated. Tell me."
"The police won't come here; you're safe from them. They'll never find you here. That's what you wanted, right?"
"Yes, it's what I wanted."
"Good. No problem then."
"But I have to stay in this room?"
"No, it's fine. Just tell me if you're going out."
"You weren't here. I told Tim."
"Ok, hon. I'm sorry. I was just worried. I am supposed to look after you, aren't I?"
"I guess so."
"Have you eaten?"
I wasn't terribly happy being fobbed off, but I didn't really want to argue either, "No."
"But you've been drinking?"
"What are you? My mother?"
"I'm your guardian angel, darling," she said, laughing slightly, "I just meant that you shouldn't probably drink on an empty stomach. C'mon, let's get some food."
We went to the dining room in the guesthouse and were served delicious food with a bottle of very, very cold zinfandel, which I assume Tim must have replaced a couple of times, because the wine kept pouring, but I never noticed if he did. I don't remember what we talked about, but the mood was light and I found myself totally at ease.
***
After dinner, I fell into bed and slept well. Once more I dreamt of Kelly, her arms around me, lightly running her fingers over my skin, making the hairs on my neck stand on end. Her touch energised me and, half-waking, I turned and kissed her gently, then fell back into a deep, contented slumber.
"Evening," he said.
"Um... good afternoon."
"Yeah, whatever. You're new," he spoke in a very similar fashion to the woman who I'd met in the pub in Cardiff; it wasn't a question, but a statement.
"Yeah, I'm staying at the guesthouse down the road."
"Ah, Janet's new bit of stuff."
"Um... not really. I'm here with Janet, but not... not like..."
"I know how it is. Don't worry. We know all about Janet here. She's a regular part of the scenery here."
"It's not like that at all. I'm not involved with her."
"I don't care either way, love. Want another?"
I shrugged, "Sure, why not?"
He signalled to the barman, who brought another pint of cider and one of bitter over. We sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping at our drinks, gazing into the distance.
"When's Elena coming?"
"What?"
"Elena. She usually comes here when Janet brings someone here."
"But, then why did Janet bring me here?"
The man shrugged, "How would I know what goes on in that guesthouse?"
"You seem to know a lot more than I do."
"Janet brings someone here. They stay a few days, usually hardly leave the guesthouse, and then Elena comes and they all leave again. It's about the biggest drama Ogmore-by-Sea has, so we all know that much, but what goes on in that guesthouse - that, I'd like to know."
I shrugged, "Nothing so far. I slept."
"Well, you feel free to come back and tell me when you know. I could get many a free drink if I had that tale to tell."
"I'm really not sure there's anything to tell. I needed to get away. Janet brought me here."
The man grunted and both finished our pints in silence.
"I'm going to head back to the guesthouse, I think."
"Ok," he said, "You be sure to come back and talk to me another day."
"Um... yeah, sure, I'll try."
"Goodbye, now."
"Goodbye."
I took a long route back to the guesthouse. The cider had gone to my head and the cool sea breeze helped to refresh me. The scenery was beautiful. There were a few large white stones that had been imbedded into the earth and here, unlike any other place I had seen, they had managed to remain free of grafitti. They stuck up about a foot above the ground and I sat down on one of them looking out at the waves breaking. I completely lost track of time and by the time I returned to the guesthouse, it was nearly 7.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"I went for a walk. You weren't here. I was bored."
"Christ! I was worried about you."
"Why? I thought no-one could find me here."
"Well, that may not be entirely true, or not the whole story, anyway."
"So, what is?"
"It's complicated."
"Everything's complicated. Tell me."
"The police won't come here; you're safe from them. They'll never find you here. That's what you wanted, right?"
"Yes, it's what I wanted."
"Good. No problem then."
"But I have to stay in this room?"
"No, it's fine. Just tell me if you're going out."
"You weren't here. I told Tim."
"Ok, hon. I'm sorry. I was just worried. I am supposed to look after you, aren't I?"
"I guess so."
"Have you eaten?"
I wasn't terribly happy being fobbed off, but I didn't really want to argue either, "No."
"But you've been drinking?"
"What are you? My mother?"
"I'm your guardian angel, darling," she said, laughing slightly, "I just meant that you shouldn't probably drink on an empty stomach. C'mon, let's get some food."
We went to the dining room in the guesthouse and were served delicious food with a bottle of very, very cold zinfandel, which I assume Tim must have replaced a couple of times, because the wine kept pouring, but I never noticed if he did. I don't remember what we talked about, but the mood was light and I found myself totally at ease.
***
After dinner, I fell into bed and slept well. Once more I dreamt of Kelly, her arms around me, lightly running her fingers over my skin, making the hairs on my neck stand on end. Her touch energised me and, half-waking, I turned and kissed her gently, then fell back into a deep, contented slumber.
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