Installment number 11

My dreams that night were strange, but forgettable. It was as if the whole night, I was waiting for Kelly to appear, but she didn't. And when I woke, I was mildly unconfortable because of it. It felt like she actually was dead after all.

***

I woke in the morning and wandered towards the entrance to the guesthouse, passing room 19 as I went. I walked past it slowly, almost willing Elena to come out. She didn't. I pretended I'd forgotten something and wandered slowly back to the room and out again. Still she didn't come out of her room. I knocked gingerly on the door.

"Come in," she said in a beautiful Welsh valley accent.
I tried the door; it was locked, so I opened it with the key Tim had given me.
"Hi, Fi. How are you?"
"I'm... well, I guess. Why are you here?"
"Why am I here? I'm here to talk to you, Fi."
"To talk to me about what?"
"About going back to London."
"I don't want to."
"Why not?"
I laughed, "A life sentence in Holloway doesn't appeal."
"That's not what's waiting for you."
"Janet said the police can't find me here."
"They can't. Not unless they already knew for sure you were here."
"Are you going to tell them?"
"No."
"No-one else here knows what I did. I'm safe then."
She shrugged, "Depends on your definition of safe."
"This fits my definition fine."
"Ok then."
"What were you arguing with Errol about?"
"He thought I was here to take you away. He doesn't want you to leave."
"Why do you want me to leave?"
"You belong back in London."
"Janet looks after me. She's my guardian angel."
Elena laughed, "Is that what she told you?"
"Yes. I believe her."
"It's not that simple."
"She said that too."
"So, she's your guardian angel and I'm, what? Some kind of hellbeast."
"That's not really how she put it..."
"We're both here to guide you, but people can be guided in different ways - there are different outcomes."
"One good and one bad?"
"No, not at all."
"What then?"
"You're happy here, right?"
"Yes."
"Does that never seem... hedonistic?"
"I never really thought about it."
"Well, maybe you should."
I didn't want to think about it. I was happy in Ogmore-by-Sea, "Is that why you gave me drugs?"
"You looked like you needed a good night - to let go before you dealt with all this shit. You didn't have to take it."
"It felt like I did."
"Well, then, I'm sorry about that, but I meant well. Look, Fi, I'm here for a while. If you want to talk, or if you want me to take you back to London, I'll be here."
"Screw you, Elena."

I stormed out. At dinner that night, I cried for the first time since I arrived in Ogmore-by-Sea as I regaled the story to Janet. She comforted me as we ate dinner and with a glass of wine, I began to feel better.

***

At night, I dreamt once more of Kelly beside me, gently stroking my skin, lightly kissing my neck, her hand moving over my belly and down between my legs. I turned to kiss her, my fingers running through her hair. I could feel the heat between us, our bodies pressed close, and a charge ran through me and my body spasmed and my back arched and then collapsed again as she let go. I kissed her breathlessly and clung tight to her body, finally opening my eyes, and then lurching backwards when I realised it was Janet on the bed next to me.

I nearly fell off the bed, in my attempt to get away from her.

"What the fuck?"
"What's wrong, love?"
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"You were just... You know what you were doing!" I was struggling to form sentences. I was so shocked, and still not quite awake.
"You... You seemed to want it."
"I... I... I thought you were..." my voice waivered and turned from a shout into a low whine. I sat down on the bed, "I thought you were Kelly."
"You thought I was Kelly?"
"Yes," I looked up at her, my eyes welling up.
"Babe... Kelly's... well..."
"Kelly's dead. I know she is, but she visits me at night. She talks to me sometimes, or comforts me. I thought you were her."
"She visits you at night?" she almost smirked as she said the words.
"Well... it feels that way."
"Fi, did you... did you not even realise that it was me you've been reaching out for every night?" she sounded upset.
"I... I guess I didn't. I'm sorry."
She looked away from me, "It's ok," then she started to get dressed, "I should head out soon anyway."
"Where?"
"What?
"Where do you go? You leave before I even wake up, and I never know where you are."
"You don't need to know."

She sounded angry. I guess I'd be angry too. Once she dressed, she walked out of the room and didn't say goodbye. I expected the door to slam, but it didn't. I lay on my bed wondering what to do. I thought about following her; trying to explain that I hadn't meant to hurt her, but it was too late. I didn't know where she was going and she would already be gone by now. I exhaled loudly and then hit the bed a couple of times. How could I have been so stupid? At the same time, how was I supposed to know? My subconscious wasn't something I could exactly keep under control. I could hardly help what I dreamed about any more than I could change what I'd done. I buried my head in the pillow and went back to sleep.